The IKEA Effect explains why so many people cling to narcissists, despite years of abuse and neglect.
Outsiders look at the relationship and wonder what they see in them, realizing they’re capable of doing better. Meanwhile, the narcissistic partner considers themselves lucky to have them and would never consider giving up on this opportunity.
Why do narcissistic partners value them so highly, while outsiders see something entirely different? Part of the reason is the IKEA Effect…
What Is The IKEA Effect?
As you probably know, IKEA is a Swedish furniture store that sells self-assembled furniture. You buy pieces and then assemble them yourself at home.
IKEA is a huge global company. Yet its success has little to do with saving money or high quality. Here’s the kicker…
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Studies have shown that people who assemble their own furniture value it more than those who buy ready-made furniture. In one study, participants assembled their own storage boxes, while others were offered identical ready-made boxes. Both groups were then asked how much they would pay for the same boxes.
On average, participants who assembled their own boxes rated their boxes 63% higher than those who didn’t. Despite the extra effort they put into making them, they were willing to pay more for a similar product, simply because they made it.
Other Examples Of The IKEA Influence
The 1950s saw the advent of pre-made cake mixes. You bought cake mix and just added water. But these mixes didn’t catch on. So, manufacturers made a small change.
People found the original cake mixes too easy to prepare, so they didn’t value them. So, manufacturers removed the eggs and milk from the mix, and sales skyrocketed.
Consumers had to put in more effort by adding eggs and milk, thus losing the value of the final product.
The IKEAInfluence can be seen in many modern businesses, such as making your own pizza, designing gift cards, or designing your own T-shirts, etc.
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It seems that putting effort into creating a product increases its value, because there’s pride associated with something you’ve invested in. You’re also less likely to admit that something is bad if you contributed to its creation.
Hence the phrase “labor is love.” But what does this have to do with narcissists?
Narcissists and the IKEA Effect
Narcissists are needy and often live chaotic lives. They’re not ashamed to ask for help.
So people often help them with various things, such as lending them money or giving them rides. I’ve even seen narcissists entice people to clean their homes.
Once people help a narcissist, they feel an emotional investment and grow more attached to them. It’s almost like appreciating a child you’re caring for.
When you help someone, you almost see them as a part of yourself. You’ve helped build their character. So, you want to see them grow and flourish. For this reason, many people become closer to their caregivers than to their friends.
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Narcissists often exploit this by building a group of helpers who emotionally invest in the narcissist while they reap all the rewards.
In Romantic Relationships
In romantic relationships, narcissists don’t ask for much at first because they shower you with love and try to win you over.
Narcissists realize they can’t be too demanding at first, or they’ll scare everyone away. So they ask for less, then gradually increase it.
Gradually, their partner gives more and more for them. Before they even realize it, they’re spending almost all their time, money, and resources on them. After a while, because they’ve put in so much effort, they appreciate the narcissist. And it becomes harder to walk away.
We naturally feel good when we help people because we’re social beings. Our empathy is the bond that holds us together. Unfortunately, narcissists lack empathy, so they detach themselves from the situation and coldly exploit it.
Sunken CostFallacy
The sunk cost fallacy occurs when someone is reluctant to let go of something because of everything they’ve invested. Logically, letting go would be the best option.
For example, you might watch a boring three-hour movie, right up until the bitter end. Because you paid for the ticket. Even though you knew it was boring after the first few minutes.
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Or you might spend three years studying law, only to discover later that you hate the field. But instead of pursuing other careers, you spend the rest of your working life as a lawyer. Because you couldn’t afford to waste those three years. Even though it’s now costing you 30 years of misery.
In a narcissistic relationship, you spend money, time, and effort. You can’t get it back. Many people hold onto their investment, hoping it will one day pay off. Unfortunately, that rarely happens with narcissists.
Final Thoughts
This is the IKEA effect. You spend years sacrificing yourself for narcissists. Sometimes they show glimpses of improvement, just to prolong the journey. You become more emotionally invested. You delude yourself that your efforts are not in vain.
After a while, doubt creeps in. You realize how little you’re getting in return. You wonder if it will ever change.
Psychologically, it’s natural to want a return on your investment. But the only way to achieve that is to stick with them. Because if you walk away, you lose everything. So you accept more bad behavior. And you pray that things will change.
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Over time, it becomes harder to walk away. Because the bill just keeps piling up.
With people with a typical personality type, you may see a return on your investment. They have a natural balancing mechanism where they want to give back. But if you’re dealing with a narcissist, it’s unlikely to pay off. They’re happy to take constantly. And the longer you’re gone, the more you lose.
At some point, you have to cut your losses and walk away. Because staring lovingly at a suspicious table for the next 20 years is one thing. But sharing your life with someone who drags you down is something else entirely.
