Do you constantly ask, “Are you okay?” or “Are you angry with me?” If you find yourself either asking or receiving these questions, you may be stuck in a behavioral pattern called emotional monitoring.
Emotional monitoring is the constant monitoring of others’ emotions in order to regulate your own responses, which can lead to emotional exhaustion and communication problems.
But it’s possible to break this vicious cycle; it starts with recognizing the signs and intentionally changing your behavior when you see them.
What is emotional monitoring in a relationship?
Emotional monitoring differs from empathy or people-pleasing because it involves obsessing over others’ feelings before and after interacting with them, as well as adjusting your actions based on perceived cues rather than actual feelings.
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This constant need for external validation, coupled with an excessive focus on another person’s mood, can begin in childhood and continue throughout adulthood, damaging various aspects of life, especially relationships.
Recognizing the Signs of Emotional Monitoring in a Relationship
Common signs of emotional monitoring include excessive worry about what others might think or feel, an inability to stay present during face-to-face conversations, a reliance on frequent emotional reassurance, an inability to calm down without help from another person, difficulty expressing oneself honestly, changing one’s feelings based on what one thinks others are feeling, and prioritizing others’ feelings over one’s own.
How to Stop Emotional Monitoring
Eliminating emotional monitoring requires taking deliberate action to change patterns of behavior and thought. Here are some steps you can take to achieve this:
- Increase Awareness
Carefully monitor your emotional monitoring habits over the next few days. Note how often you monitor others’ emotions and the impact this has on your interactions with them.
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Pay attention to phrases like “Are you okay?” that come out of your mouth without careful thought, or when these phrases reveal themselves as assumptions about others’ attitudes toward you.
- Examine Yourself
People who monitor their emotions spend most of their time looking outside themselves, ignoring periods of introspection. Take a few minutes each day to evaluate yourself, either by journaling or simply spending time alone. Direct your attention toward your feelings, which enhances your self-awareness.
- Foster Emotional Resilience
Instead of rushing to correct someone’s mood, practice tolerance and understanding. Offer support when needed, and also give them space to freely express their feelings, avoiding any form of judgment when these feelings seem irrelevant or inexplicable.
This exercise teaches us that emotions are constantly changing without the need for constant intervention.
- Accept Imperfections
We must recognize that overcoming emotional monitoring is gradual, and that slip-ups are inevitable along the way.
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Instead of striving for perfection, acknowledge relapses into old behaviors and then gently work your way back on track. As we navigate this path to better relationships, let patience be our companion.
- Building Trust Through Communication
When we give others the space to express their diverse emotions without interruption, it creates closeness and trust between the parties involved. Believing in individuals’ ability to manage their own emotions strengthens bonds and encourages honesty.
Relinquishing control puts oneself at risk, enabling authentic relationships to flourish. We can get stuck in destructive relationship patterns due to emotional monitoring, which drains us and hinders communication. However, we must break this vicious cycle by understanding the cycle and putting in the necessary effort.
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We can build more trusting relationships if we learn to see the signs, reflect on our feelings, become more resilient in our hearts, and accept imperfection so that others can be honest with us as well.
When we let go of trying to make another feel or do something they don’t want to, closeness becomes possible. Although it may take considerable effort, these deep connections bring countless rewards.
Recognizing the truth about monitoring emotions unlocks life-changing connections.
