Dealing with relationships with narcissists can feel like navigating a minefield of manipulation, self-doubt, and emotional turmoil. These individuals use a range of subtle and powerful tactics to control and manipulate others, often leaving you feeling confused, anxious, and doubtful of your own perception. Whether you’re in a relationship with a narcissistic partner, friend, or family member, understanding the tactics they use is the first step toward reclaiming your power and setting healthy boundaries.
Here, we’ll break down 11 common techniques narcissists use to control others—and how you can recognize and counter them.
- Psychological Manipulation: Making You Question Reality
What it is: Psychological manipulation is a classic form of psychological manipulation where narcissists distort facts, twist stories, and flatly deny events in order to make you question your memory, perception, and sanity.
How it works: When you confront a narcissist about their behavior, they may say, “That never happened” or “You’re overreacting.” Over time, this causes you to reexamine your own experiences.
Counter-move: Keep a journal to document interactions. Written evidence can be a powerful tool to confirm your version of reality.
- Love Bombing: The Overwhelming Beginning
What it is: During the initial phase of a relationship, narcissists may shower you with affection, attention, and compliments—this is known as love bombing.
How it works: By making you feel special and loved, they quickly create a strong connection. But once they feel you care, the love bombing stops, leaving you craving their approval.
Counter-move: Stay grounded and take your time in new relationships. Seek consistency rather than grand gestures.
- The Silent Treatment: Withholding Communication
What it is: Narcissists use the silent treatment as a way to punish you, annoy you, and control your behavior.
How it works: By refusing to communicate, they create a power dynamic where you feel obligated to “make things right,” even if you haven’t done anything wrong.
Counter-move: Resist the urge to appease them. Use this time to focus on your well-being instead of chasing their approval.
- Projection: Shifting the blame onto you
What it is: Projection is when narcissists attribute their negative traits or behaviors to you.
How it works: If they’re cheating, they’ll accuse you of cheating; if they’re lying, they’ll say you’re dishonest. This tactic keeps you off-balance and distracts from their actions.
Countermove: Recognize patterns and avoid internalized accusations. Narcissists often blame others for what they’re guilty of.
- Triangulation: Creating jealousy and competition
What it is: Triangulation involves introducing a third person into the dynamic to create competition or tension.
How it works: They might compare you to an ex, talk about how much they liked you at work, or make you feel like your position in their life is at risk, prompting you to compete for their favor.
Countermove: Don’t fall for the comparisons. Remind yourself that you don’t need to compete for someone’s attention – if they’re trying to make you jealous, that’s a red flag.
- Blaming Others: Holding Them Responsible for Everything
What it is: Narcissists are experts at avoiding responsibility. Blaming others is a way for them to shift responsibility away from you.
How it works: If you bring up an issue, they will shift the narrative so that you end up apologizing, even if you’re the one who was wronged.
Countermove: Stick to the facts and resist the urge to defend yourself against every accusation. Narcissists often try to provoke a reaction to further manipulate the situation.
- Flying Monkeys: Getting Others to Unite Against You
What it is: Narcissists often enlist “flying monkeys”—friends, family members, or mutual acquaintances—to support their views.
How it works: This tactic reinforces their narrative, leaving you feeling isolated, misunderstood, and wrong. You may even begin to question your own feelings and actions as more people seem to side with the narcissist.
Countermove: Keep boundaries firm. Remember that other people’s opinions don’t define your reality. Limiting your exposure to these “flying monkeys” can protect your mental health.
- The Victim: Making You Feel Guilty
What it is: Narcissists often play the victim to gain sympathy, avoid responsibility, and make you feel guilty.
How it works: If you bring up a problem, they may respond with how hard their life is or how everyone is against them. This tactic shifts the focus back to them and makes you feel sorry for them.
Countermove: Stand firm in addressing your concerns. Don’t let guilt cloud your judgment or prevent you from maintaining boundaries.
- Future Pretending: Making Empty Promises
What it is: Future pretending is when a narcissist makes grandiose promises about a future that will never come to pass.
How it works: By painting a vivid picture of a future together, they keep you emotionally engaged. Over time, you realize that these promises are just a manipulative tool to keep you hooked.
Countermove: Focus on present actions, not future promises. If their actions don’t match their words, it’s a sign that they’re not really committed.
- Devaluing: Shattering Your Self-Esteem
What it is: After the initial stage of admiration, narcissists may begin to devalue you in order to lower your self-esteem and exert control.
How it works: They may begin to criticize you subtly, dismiss your accomplishments, or compare you unfavorably to others. Over time, this erodes your self-esteem and makes you more dependent on their approval.
Counter-Move: Don’t seek validation from someone who doesn’t truly support you. Surround yourself with people who uplift and encourage you.
- Manipulation: Pulling You Back In
What it is: Named after the brand of vacuum cleaner, manipulation is when a narcissist tries to “pull” you back into the relationship after a breakup or period of distance.
How it works: Narcissists may suddenly reach out, apologize, or act like they’ve changed, hoping to draw you back in. However, the cycle of manipulation usually resumes shortly after.
Counter-Move: Remember why you pushed yourself away in the first place. Remind yourself of the patterns and resist being pulled back into the cycle.
Final Thoughts
Narcissistic manipulation can take a huge emotional toll. Recognizing these tactics is the first step to regaining control and protecting your mental health. Building a strong support system, seeking treatment, and setting firm boundaries can help you break free from the cycle of narcissistic manipulation. Remember, your mental health is important, and you have the power to walk away from unhealthy dynamics.
By understanding these techniques, you can empower yourself to make healthier choices, advocate for your needs, and reclaim your sense of self. If you or someone you know is in a relationship with a narcissist, know that help and support are available—you don’t have to face this alone.
Read more: How to Respond When a Narcissist Tries to Come Back: A Complete Guide
