Arguments can be tough, but when you’re up against a covert narcissist, they can be downright confusing. Unlike their overt counterparts, covert narcissists often use subtle, manipulative tactics to maintain control while hiding their intentions. Recognizing these tactics is crucial to maintaining your emotional safety and setting boundaries effectively.
In this article, we’ll delve into six common phrases that covert narcissists use during arguments, uncover their hidden meanings, and offer strategies for dealing with them like a pro.
- “You’re too sensitive”
This phrase is a classic weapon in the covert narcissist’s arsenal. By labeling your feelings as an overreaction, they shift the focus away from their behavior and onto you. The goal is to make you question your feelings and feel invalidated.
Hearing this during an argument can make you question your perception of reality. Are you really overreacting, or is this a manipulative tactic? It’s often the latter.
To overcome this, acknowledge your feelings without engaging in their blame game. A calm response like, “My feelings are valid, and I’d like to discuss them” can disable their tactic. This approach changes the dynamic, and reaffirms your confidence in your emotions.
- “I never said that”
Covert narcissists are masters of manipulation, and this statement is a prime example. By denying that they said something, they aim to confuse you and make you doubt your memory.
Imagine revisiting a hurtful comment only to hear, “I never said that.” It’s frustrating and confusing, designed to derail the argument and force you into a defensive position.
The key to dealing with this tactic is to stay calm and stick to the facts. Keep a mental or written record of important conversations if necessary. Instead of arguing about who said what, focus on the issue at hand. For example, “Regardless of the exact words, this is how it made me feel. Let’s address that.”
- “You’re just trying to make me look bad”
When cornered, covert narcissists often avoid the situation by portraying themselves as victims. This statement is their way of flipping the script, making the case for your alleged intent to hurt them rather than their actions.
It’s a strategic move to avoid accountability. If they succeed in shifting the focus, you may find yourself defending your motives instead of addressing their behavior.
To neutralize this tactic, stay focused on the issue. Acknowledge their feelings without giving away the point: “This isn’t about making you look bad; it’s about resolving this issue together.” This approach keeps the conversation focused and reduces their ability to derail it.
- “I don’t want to fight about this”
This may seem like a reasonable statement at first, but covert narcissists often use it to shut down discussions. By framing the argument as an unnecessary conflict, they invalidate your concerns and avoid accountability.
This tactic can leave you feeling rejected and unheard. Your attempts to address the issues are reframed as incitement to conflict, creating frustration and confusion.
The best response is to calmly emphasize the importance of the discussion. You might say, “I don’t see this as a fight, but rather as a conversation we need to have to move forward.” This approach reframes the situation as constructive rather than confrontational.
- “You always do this”
Generalizations like this are another favorite tool of covert narcissists. By accusing you of habitually negative behavior, they distract from the issue at hand and put you on the defensive.
The broad, vague nature of statements like “You always do this” makes them difficult to confront. It’s a blanket criticism designed to undermine your self-confidence and shift the power dynamic in their favor.
Address this tactic by redirecting the conversation to the details. Respond with something like, “Can you give me an example? Let’s focus on what happened today.” This redirects the argument to the present moment, making it harder for them to rely on vague accusations.
See also: The Ugly Truth: 12 Shameless Ways Narcissists Treat Their Exes
- “I’m just saying this because I care about you”
This phrase is particularly insidious because it’s masked in fake concern. Covert narcissists use it to justify hurtful or critical comments, presenting themselves as well-meaning while delivering emotional blows.
Under the guise of concern, their words often carry a subtext of judgment or control. This tactic makes you feel guilty for questioning their motives and hesitating to respond.
The best way to deal with this is to separate the message from the intent. Respond with curiosity and assertiveness: “I appreciate your concern, but I’d like to understand why you think this is helpful.” This approach holds them accountable while keeping the conversation focused on the solution.
HowToProtectYourself
Recognizing these manipulative phrases is just the first step. Here’s how you can protect yourself and maintain your emotional balance during an argument with a covert narcissist:
Set clear boundaries: Communicate your boundaries and stick to them. For example, if the conversation turns unproductive or hurtful, express your intention to revisit them later.
Stay calm: Covert narcissists thrive on emotional feedback. By staying calm, you deny them the satisfaction of controlling your emotions and keep the conversation productive.
Seek support: Sharing your experiences with trusted friends, family, or a therapist can provide you with perspective and help you deal with these challenges effectively.
Trust your perception: Manipulative tactics are designed to make you doubt yourself. Trust your instincts and be honest with your emotions, even when you’re trying to undermine them.
Know when to walk away: Some arguments simply aren’t worth your energy. If you feel like the conversation is going in circles or becoming toxic, it’s okay to walk away.
Read more: Behind the Screen: 12 Common Text Messages That Reveal a Narcissist
Final Thoughts
Dealing with a narcissist who hides in arguments can be stressful and confusing, but awareness is your greatest ally. By understanding their tactics and learning how to respond, you can protect yourself from manipulation and maintain control of the conversation.
The next time you hear one of these statements, remember: Their words are not a reflection of your worth, but rather a reflection of their insecurities. With patience and practice, you can navigate these challenges with confidence and clarity.
