Narcissists are often portrayed as selfish, controlling, and immune to emotions that aren’t about them. But believe it or not, even these larger-than-life characters have their weaknesses. While their ego may seem unshakable, there are certain triggers that can send them into a spiral of frustration, anger, or even a complete meltdown.
Understanding these triggers is essential, especially if you’re dealing with a narcissist in your life, whether at work, in your social circle, or in a romantic relationship. This article explores 20 key things that can make a narcissist lose their cool, and how you can deal with them in a way that minimizes conflict and tension.
- Don’t Be the Center of Attention
Narcissists thrive on attention. They enjoy the spotlight, and they thrive on admiration and praise. So, when they’re not the center of attention, they feel ignored and insulted. Whether it’s at a party, a family gathering, or a business meeting, if someone else puts the spotlight on you, beware.
Tip: If you want to keep the peace, try redirecting the conversation back to them or finding ways to give them a little “ego boost.” However, know your limits and don’t overdo it—there’s a fine line between flattery and manipulation!
- Ignore or Reject
A narcissist’s worst nightmare is being ignored or rejected. They want validation at all costs, so when someone ignores them, it feels like a personal attack.
Tip: If you’re dealing with a narcissist and need to communicate something important, make sure to give them a moment of validation before diving into the real message. This may be a subtle form of manipulation, but it can help avoid unnecessary drama.
- Get Criticized
Constructive criticism is a challenge for most people, but for narcissists, it’s a complete meltdown. They see even the smallest criticism as an attack on their self-worth. Whether it’s a work project or a personal flaw, they often respond defensively or lash out.
Pro tip: If you have to give feedback, try to be positive. Start with a compliment and then move on to criticism. This way, it doesn’t feel like an attack but rather a “suggestion” for improvement.
- Getting called out for their hypocrisy
Narcissists are masters of double standards. They have one set of rules for themselves and another for everyone else. If someone dares to point out their hypocrisy, they’ll get defensive.
Tip: If you catch a narcissist in a contradiction, avoid criticizing them directly. Instead, ask them questions that get them thinking about their behavior, but in a non-confrontational way. A gentle approach can help keep them from feeling bad.
- Not liking them enough
Narcissists rely heavily on admiration and validation. If you don’t constantly admire them or shower them with compliments, they’ll feel unappreciated. It’s a slippery slope that can quickly lead to their ego crumbling.
Tip: Compliment them occasionally, but don’t overdo it. Find a balance where you give them just enough attention to satisfy their ego without going overboard.
- Challenge
Whether it’s a simple disagreement or a direct challenge to their authority, narcissists can’t handle contradiction. If you question their expertise or ideas, they’ll often react defensively or angrily.
Tip: Stay calm and collected when challenging a narcissist. Avoid raising your voice or getting visibly upset. Instead, calmly present your point of view and provide evidence to support it. It may help to end your statement with, “I respect your opinion, but I see it differently.”
- Losing Control
One of the things that narcissists find most frustrating is feeling like they’re losing control. They love to dictate situations and manipulate others to get their way. If they feel like they’re losing power or influence, they can get into an emotional tailspin.
Tip: If you’re dealing with a narcissist who’s losing control, try to remain neutral. Don’t try to take control away from them, but don’t let them control the situation either. The delicate balance between respecting their need for control while gently asserting your own boundaries is key.
- Expose Lies
Lying is the bread and butter of narcissists. They manipulate situations to protect their image, and when they’re caught lying, they feel like their entire persona is being threatened. Expose them can send them into full-on damage control mode, often making the situation worse.
Tip: If you catch a narcissist lying, you’ll need to handle the situation with caution. Instead of making direct accusations, ask them questions that encourage them to reveal the truth themselves. It’s all about how you frame the situation!
- Superiority or Outdoing Others
Narcissists hate the idea of being superior or outdone, especially in areas they take pride in. Whether it’s a professional achievement or a personal success, if someone else does better, they’ll take it personally.
Tip: If you find yourself outdoing a narcissist, be careful how you celebrate your success. Try not to brag about it to them, and focus on their accomplishments as well. It can be a win-win situation when you make them feel important while you celebrate your success.
- Treat Them Like Everyone Else
Narcissists want to feel special, and treating them like everyone else in the room can be a huge motivator. They want to stand out and be treated with unique respect. If you treat them like everyone else, you may inadvertently hurt their fragile ego.
Tip: Be careful how you interact with a narcissist, and make sure they feel valued in the conversation. A simple acknowledgement of their “specialness” can go a long way.
- Being Questioned About Their Appearance
Narcissists often have an inflated sense of their physical appearance. If they feel their appearance is being questioned or criticized, they will feel very insecure.
Tip: Compliment them on their appearance when you get the chance, even if it’s a little exaggerated. Just don’t make it sound insincere – narcissists can sense when you’re not being genuine!
- Exclusion
If a narcissist is excluded from a group or event, it’s a personal insult. Being excluded from important decisions or social gatherings triggers their fear of being unnoticed or unimportant.
Pro tip: If you’re in a group and have to exclude a narcissist, try to do so gently. Acknowledge their importance and reassure them in a subtle way that it’s nothing personal. It can be a small gesture that keeps the peace.
- Seeing Someone More Confident Than Them
Confidence is a quality that narcissists crave, but they can’t handle seeing someone else flaunt it more freely. It feels like a threat to their superior self-image.
Tip: If you encounter a narcissist who seems threatened by someone else’s trust, be supportive of both parties. A little extra encouragement for the narcissist can help ease their fears.
- When Their Perfect Image Is Cracked
Narcissists do their best to maintain a flawless public image. If something happens that exposes their flaws or shortcomings, they will react with extreme anger or embarrassment.
Tip: If you happen to see through a narcissist’s perfect exterior, don’t call them out directly. Instead, offer them a safe space to save face. Reinforce their positive traits while allowing room for growth.
- Lack of Instant Gratification
Narcissists like things to happen on their timeline, and when they don’t get immediate results, it throws them off balance. They’re not known for their patience, and waiting can make them anxious or agitated.
Tip: If you’re working with a narcissist on a joint project, try to get results quickly and efficiently. If delays are unavoidable, communicate the reasons calmly and provide regular updates to prevent them from escalating.
- Deal with any type of rejection
Whether the rejection is romantic, professional, or social, narcissists can’t handle rejection. It feels like a direct attack on their self-esteem, and they may become bitter, angry, or even vindictive.
Tip: If you have to turn down a narcissist, do so gently and carefully. Emphasize their value and how much you appreciate them, but make it clear that it’s nothing personal.
- Face reality
Narcissists live in a world of their own making, and when reality doesn’t match their fantasy, they can’t cope. Whether it’s facing failure or facing the truth about their actions, it shakes their entire foundation.
Pro tip: If you need to bring a narcissist back to reality, do so gently. Present the facts in a way that doesn’t threaten them but invites them to reconsider their position.
- Someone Who Doesn’t “Need” Them
Narcissists need to feel needed. If someone becomes independent or self-sufficient, this threatens their sense of worth. The idea that they are no longer indispensable can lead to feelings of inadequacy.
Tip: If you’re trying to assert your independence around a narcissist, do so with caution. Show them that while you can do it on your own, you still value their contributions.
- Indifference
Narcissists thrive on attention, so when you act indifferent toward them, it’s like a slap in the face. They’ll try to get your attention back in any way they can.
Tip: While you don’t have to worship them, a little attention and appreciation goes a long way. This can help maintain harmony without feeding their ego too much.
- Failure
Above all, narcissists can’t handle failure. They fear it will ruin their image and make them seem weak or incompetent. Whether it’s personal or professional, failure triggers deep feelings of shame.
Tip: If you’re around a narcissist who’s dealing with failure, lend them a compassionate ear. Let them express their frustration, but help them reframe the situation to focus on growth and potential, rather than their “fall from grace.”
Bottom Line: Embrace the Challenge with Empathy
Dealing with a narcissist can be difficult, but understanding the triggers that might be driving them can make a big difference. By recognizing the things that trigger their downward spiral, you can manage interactions more effectively and maintain your emotional balance. It’s all about knowing when to give them a little extra attention and when to protect your own boundaries.
While it can be challenging, remember: you don’t have to constantly feed their ego to be nice. Sometimes, a little empathy and understanding goes a long way in keeping things calm. Be vigilant and strong, and above all—don’t forget to take care of yourself, too!
