Identifying a covert narcissist is the first step toward protecting your sanity. Unlike overt narcissists who are overtly selfish and crave constant attention, a covert narcissist is more subtle. However, there are some signs that may indicate your spouse is a covert narcissist.
- Playing the Victim
A pervasive and insidious trait of a covert narcissist is that they always portray themselves as the victim.
No matter the circumstances, whether it’s a disagreement over household chores or a more serious marital issue, they have an uncanny ability to twist the narrative and put themselves at the center of hardship.
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Constantly playing the victim isn’t just about garnering sympathy. It serves a dual purpose.
First, by portraying themselves as the wronged party, they can deflect blame and avoid accountability for their actions.
This can range from minor transgressions to major breaches of trust. By shifting the focus away from their behavior, they effectively escape the consequences that their actions might otherwise invite.
Secondly, this tactic is a powerful tool of manipulation. A covert narcissist can exploit your empathy and compassion, using your desire to help or comfort them as a means of controlling you.
Over time, this can lead to an emotionally unbalanced relationship, where your needs and feelings are marginalized in favor of the drama they have created themselves.
Furthermore, by constantly playing the victim, a covert narcissist indirectly confirms that you are the perpetrator.
This can lead to feelings of guilt and confusion, causing you to question your actions and decisions. It is a method of manipulation that can severely impact your mental and emotional health.
Understanding this behavior is crucial in dealing with a covert narcissist. It is important to remember that everyone has difficulties and challenges, but constantly playing the victim, especially when used as a means of manipulation, is not healthy or normal behavior.
- Manipulate Your Emotions
A covert narcissist is not only skilled, but an expert at the art of emotional manipulation. This is not a random occurrence. It is a carefully orchestrated strategy designed to control and dominate your emotions and actions.
Guilt
One common tactic used by a covert narcissist is guilt. By making you feel guilty about your choices or actions, whether justified or not, they can influence your behavior to suit their needs.
This can range from making you feel guilty about spending time with friends or pursuing a hobby, to more important matters like making career or financial decisions.
The ultimate goal is always the same – to exert control over your actions by manipulating your emotions.
EmotionalManipulation
Emotional manipulation is another powerful tool in the covert narcissist’s arsenal.
By denying or distorting reality, they can make you question your memory, perception, or sanity. For example, they may deny saying something hurtful or insist that an event didn’t happen the way you remember it.
Over time, this can lead to a disturbing sense of self-doubt and confusion, leaving you increasingly dependent on them for a “reality check.”
PassiveAggressiveBehavior
Passive-aggressive behavior is also commonly used by covert narcissists.
This may manifest itself in the form of indirect compliments, nagging when they don’t get what they want, or giving you the silent treatment as a form of punishment.
Such tactics are designed to express their displeasure without direct confrontation, leaving you in a constant state of uncertainty about their feelings and your relationship.
These manipulative behaviors can leave you feeling emotionally drained, confused, guilty, and doubtful about your own thoughts and feelings.
It’s important to recognize these tactics for what they are—strategies designed to control and manipulate. Understanding this can be an important step toward regaining control of your emotions and breaking free from the influence of a covert narcissist.
- They are hypersensitive to criticism
A covert narcissist spouse displays an extreme sensitivity to criticism that goes beyond the usual defensiveness most people might feel.
Narcissistic Injury
This hypersensitivity is often referred to as “narcissistic injury,” a term coined by psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, referring to an exaggerated reaction to criticism or perceived slights.
No matter how gently you approach the subject or how constructive your responses are, a covert narcissist spouse will often interpret it as a personal attack.
This can be anything from a harmless comment about their habits to a serious discussion about their behavior.
NarcissisticRage
Their reaction to criticism is often disproportionate and extreme. They may respond with anger, becoming hostile and aggressive, which can be alarming and upsetting.
This serves to shut down any form of criticism and discourage you from raising issues in the future.
Instead, they may react defensively, and begin to blame you for their own intentions, efforts, or how they misunderstood you.
This isn’t about understanding your point of view or solving the problem. It’s about protecting their self-image and diverting the conversation away from their own flaws or mistakes.
blame
A covert narcissist may also resort to personal attacks or blame.
Instead of addressing the issue at hand, they distract by pointing out your flaws or blaming you for the problem.
Not only does this tactic help your spouse avoid taking responsibility for their actions, it also puts you on the defensive, taking the spotlight away from them.
Recognizing this pattern of hypersensitivity to criticism can provide valuable insight into the manipulative dynamics of a relationship with a covert narcissist.
Understanding this can help you manage discussions more effectively and maintain your emotional well-being amid their reactions.
- They Subtly Belittle You
A covert narcissist often uses a subtle, insidious form of belittlement that can be difficult to spot.
They will make comments that may not be overtly demeaning or insulting, but that subtly undermine your self-worth and confidence over time.
Bad Jokes
This subtly belittling is often disguised as humor or “just kidding.” It can be a passive-aggressive comment accompanied by laughter, an off-hand compliment, or a dismissive remark about your abilities, accomplishments, or interests.
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These seemingly harmless comments may seem like harmless banter on the surface, but their cumulative effect can be extremely damaging.
These “jokes” serve multiple purposes for a covert narcissist.
First, by undermining your self-esteem, they can make you more dependent on them for validation.
Over time, as your trust erodes, you may begin to seek their approval or affirmation more, giving them more control over your emotions and self-esteem.
Second, by subtly belittling you, they can maintain plausible deniability.
If you express hurt or upset, they can easily dismiss it as “too sensitive” or “unable to handle a joke.”
Not only does this allow them to avoid accountability for their actions, but it also adds another layer of emotional manipulation, making you question your own responses and feelings.
Finally, this type of belittling can lead to you being socially isolated.
If these “jokes” occur in public or social settings, they can embarrass you and discourage you from socializing or sharing your experiences with others, increasing your dependence on the narcissist.
Recognizing and understanding this pattern of covert belittling can be an important step toward regaining your self-confidence and setting boundaries in your relationship with a covert narcissist.
- Lack of Empathy
A profound lack of empathy is a hallmark of a covert narcissist. This will manifest itself in a persistent and pervasive disregard for your feelings and experiences.
A covert narcissist is uninterested or dismissive of your feelings.
Whether you’re sharing your day, expressing joy over an accomplishment, or expressing distress over a difficult situation, his reaction (or lack thereof) can be startling.
You may find that he quickly changes the subject, minimizes your feelings, or seems generally unengaged.
This lack of empathy often extends to ignoring your emotional needs.
A covert narcissist will ignore your need for support, comfort, or understanding, and instead focus on his own needs and desires.
He may neglect to provide emotional support during difficult times or fail to share your happiness during positive moments.
What makes this lack of empathy particularly troubling is how it allows for manipulation and control.
Because a covert narcissist is not truly in touch with your feelings, they can manipulate, belittle, or dismiss you without feeling guilty or remorseful.
This emotional detachment allows them to prioritize their own needs and interests over yours, without the normal constraints of empathy and consideration.
- Self-Obsessed
An all-encompassing sense of self-obsession is another clear trait of a covert narcissist. They are completely focused on their own needs, wants, and interests at the expense of yours.
Related : The One Secret The Narcissist Knows About You
A covert narcissist prioritizes their needs above all else.
Whether it’s making weekend plans, choosing a movie to watch, or making important life decisions, you may notice that their preferences and desires consistently take precedence.
This may be subtly justified by them having a “stronger preference” or “knowing better,” but the underlying dynamic remains one of unequal consideration and respect.
In addition, a covert narcissist typically craves constant attention and admiration.
He expects you to always be available to listen to his accomplishments, praise his achievements, and boost his self-esteem.
This self-obsession leaves little room for your needs, feelings, or experiences.
Your emotional needs are ignored, your accomplishments are minimized, or your problems are ignored. Over time, this can lead to feeling invisible, unimportant, or unloved in the relationship.
Final Thoughts
Recognizing the signs that your husband may have covert narcissism can be a daunting and emotionally draining experience. It’s important to understand that covert narcissism often manifests itself in subtle ways, making it difficult to recognize at first. However, awareness is the first step toward addressing the problem.
