Growing up without much affection leaves marks that are hard to see but impossible to ignore.
If you ever feel like your reactions or behaviors don’t quite fit the moment—or that something about the way you communicate with others feels different—you’re not imagining it.
I’ve seen this countless times, both in my work and in the personal stories people have shared.
When emotional warmth is scarce during childhood, we adapt in ways that help us survive that time, but those same adaptations can shape who we are today—sometimes in ways we don’t expect.
Through my research, I’ve discovered seven traits that tend to emerge in women who grew up with little affection.
These traits aren’t good or bad; they’re simply part of how we learned to navigate the world.
It’s not about blaming or shaming.
It’s about understanding.
Understand where these patterns come from so we can recognize them, own them, and figure out how to move forward.
1) Struggling with Emotional Intimacy
We start on a sensitive note, but it’s often true.
Women who lacked affection growing up may find it difficult to form deep emotional connections in their relationships as adults.
This trait is not about being cold or distant, quite the opposite.
These women can be incredibly loving and caring.
However, when it comes to sharing their deepest feelings, fears, and dreams, they may find themselves hesitant.
Why?
Because in their formative years, they did not have a safe space to express themselves freely or validate that their feelings matter.
This emotional detachment can sometimes lead to misunderstandings in relationships.
It can also make these women feel isolated and misunderstood.
The important thing to remember here is that this trait is not about intentionally withholding emotions but is more about protecting themselves.
2) Exceptional Independence
Contrary to what many may think, women who received little affection growing up often develop an exceptional level of independence.
It’s a trait that may seem counterintuitive but is actually quite common.
Having grown up in an environment where they could not rely on others for emotional support, these women have learned how to stand up for themselves.
They become self-reliant and strong, often going above and beyond to prove to themselves and others that they can handle whatever life throws at them.
According to research, individuals who experienced childhood emotional neglect may develop an avoidant attachment style, leading them to prioritize independence and self-reliance as coping mechanisms.
While this independence can certainly be seen as a strength, it can also present challenges.
Sometimes, it can create a barrier that prevents them from asking for help when they need it or accepting it when it’s offered, for fear of being seen as weak or vulnerable.
3) Codependent Tendency
In my years of research and counseling, I’ve noticed a pattern among women who grew up with little affection: a tendency toward codependency in their relationships.
It’s a complex trait, and it can be difficult to recognize and even harder to shake.
Codependent tendencies often stem from a need to feel loved and validated, something they may have missed out on during childhood.
These women may find themselves prioritizing their partner’s needs and emotions over their own, almost losing their identity in the process.
The irony here is that this trait can sometimes lead to the rejection you fear, as the pressure and emotional dependency can push others away.
In my book, Breaking the Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship , I delve into this trait and offer practical steps on how to recognize and overcome it.
But here’s the thing: understanding this tendency is the first step toward breaking the cycle.
It’s about learning to maintain your individuality and meet your own needs while still being part of a healthy, balanced relationship.
4) Perfectionism
Another trait I’ve noticed in women who grew up in a less emotionally demanding environment is perfectionism.
It’s as if they’re constantly trying to prove their worth, both to themselves and to others, through their accomplishments.
This drive for perfection can manifest itself in different areas of their lives – from their careers to their relationships, and even their appearance.
But the truth is, no one is perfect.
We all have flaws and make mistakes – it’s part of being human.
The great Leonardo da Vinci once said, “Art is never finished, it’s only abandoned.”
It’s a quote I often share with my clients, encouraging them to recognize that the pursuit of perfection can sometimes prevent them from completing projects, expressing themselves authentically, or simply enjoying life.
Perfectionism can be a difficult trait to overcome, but with self-awareness and acceptance, it’s entirely possible to channel that drive into healthy ambition instead.
5) Hypervigilance
Hypervigilance is a trait that can be very stressful for women who grew up with little affection.
It is a heightened state of awareness, often stemming from a need to protect oneself.
Growing up, they may have had to be constantly on guard, anticipating the emotional dynamics of their environment.
This can lead to increased sensitivity to the moods and behaviors of others.
While it can make them highly empathetic and understanding, it can also be mentally and emotionally draining.
In fact, research suggests that children exposed to abuse and domestic violence show heightened brain reactivity to angry faces, suggesting that neglect can have a similar effect.
I’ve seen this trait in many of my clients, and I often remind them that it’s okay to let their guard down.
It’s okay to trust that not every situation requires an emotional defense strategy.
Offering the same compassion and understanding that you offer others is key here. It’s a journey, but one worth taking.
6) Difficulty accepting compliments
Women who grew up with minimal affection often have a hard time accepting compliments.
It’s as if they’re programmed to believe that they don’t deserve praise or positive attention.
It’s a trait that may seem trivial, but it can actually have a huge impact on your self-esteem and overall well-being.
As the famous author Maya Angelou once said, “You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anyone.”
Accepting compliments graciously means acknowledging your value and allowing yourself to believe in your worth.
It’s about understanding that you are worthy of praise, simply because you exist and contribute to the world in your own unique way.
I’ve found that with practice, it’s possible to change this pattern and start accepting compliments with grace and gratitude.
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7) Fear of Abandonment
Finally, and perhaps most painfully, women who received little affection growing up often have a deep-seated fear of abandonment.
This fear can carry over into adulthood and impact their relationships in profound ways.
From an early age, they may have felt emotionally abandoned by those who were supposed to care for them.
This can lead to a constant worry that those who love them in their adult lives will also leave them.
One study suggests that childhood emotional neglect can lead to an anxious attachment style, characterized by a heightened fear of abandonment and difficulty trusting others.
This fear can make them clingy or overly anxious in relationships, constantly seeking reassurance that they are loved and wanted.
It’s a raw and vulnerable place to be, but it’s important to remember that it’s a fear rooted in past experiences, not a reflection of their worth or lovability.
The journey to healing this fear isn’t easy, but it’s definitely worth it.
It involves building self-esteem, strengthening secure attachments, and learning to trust in the reliability of love.
Embracing the Journey
Understanding these traits and their origins isn’t about dwelling on the past, it’s about fostering self-awareness, self-compassion, and personal growth.
It’s about acknowledging where we came from, the challenges we faced, and how they shaped us into who we are today.
Remember, these traits aren’t something to be ashamed of or hide.
They’re part of your story and your resilience.
They prove that you’ve been through hardship and that you’re still strong.
In the words of the famous American author and poet Maya Angelou: “I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be weakened by it.”
This quote perfectly embodies the strength and resilience found in women who didn’t receive enough affection growing up.
While it’s important to acknowledge these traits, it’s equally important not to let them define you or limit your potential for happiness and fulfillment.
Use them as a stepping stone to better understand yourself and build healthier relationships.
As a relationship expert, I encourage you to explore this topic further, not only through my writing but also through videos that delve into these complex issues.
