I’m Sally.

I escaped from a narcissist, my ex-husband to be specific.

After twelve long and painful years of marriage, I had a “now or never” moment that I will never regret.

Was it the hardest thing I’ve ever done? Absolutely. But what would have been harder was another twelve years—or even one.

So now the baton of freedom I’ve been holding must be handed to you.

It’s your turn.

WhatIsItAboutMe?

I want to start by saying how many years I blamed myself for the way I was treated.

Out of twelve years of marriage, I blamed myself for 10.5 of them. The past year has been about realizing what I’ve been through, grieving the end of a chapter I wanted to last forever, and what I never got to have.

The past six months have been a divorce and division of assets.

When I look at myself, I think about the kind of person I’ve always been.

Eager to please others.

I’ve never put myself first.

Happy if everyone is happy.

I value attention, more than I crave it.

I want to feel safe, loved, and cared for.

I don’t like conflict.

I love my friends and family.

Good at my job.

All of these qualities made me who I am. And I was proud of that person. I felt ready to find someone who could accept all of that, who could remind me every now and then that I matter too.

TheNarcissistWasIrresistible

Like all long-term partners, my husband started out as a normal guy in the world. We met in a bookstore. I was browsing the self-help section to find a book to help me deal with anxiety. Looking back, I know that the first warning sign was immediate… “You look too pretty to worry so much.”

I smiled, and that’s how we met.

For the first few weeks, all he did was listen to me. I felt like I was a faucet turned on, all my feelings, thoughts, urges, fears, and dreams pouring out of me and he was there with his emotional buckets, scooping them all up.

He charmed me, and there’s no two ways about it.

I’m asked if I can see that now looking back, yes, I can. But at the time, all I saw was someone who gave me time, love, and attention.

He took my fears and promised me that they would never be a problem.

He had earned my trust, and I had no reason to believe he would take advantage of that.

Things went bad quickly…

When something seems too good to be true, it usually is.

In this case, the change in mood within the relationship became apparent when my ex began to be somewhat inconsistent with his emotions.

One day, he would be fine, and he would love the meal I cooked for him.

The next week, I would cook it again, and he would tell me it was disgusting and he couldn’t eat it.

He would joke, telling me I was gaining weight or getting older faster than he could blink, but that he “still loved me anyway.”

I started finding excuses not to see family and friends because I knew he would have a problem with me going out.

He would say things like, “Why do you need them when you can be with me?” or, “What boring things are you going to do with them this time?”

When he asked me to quit my job and take care of the house, I eventually ran out of money, and I had to rely on him for everything.

He would give me money when he felt like it, and wouldn’t give me any passwords to my statements or bills.

He would tell me that everything was being taken care of, and that I didn’t have to worry, so you see how all this wrong behavior was made to seem healthy and good.

INeededToEscape

It became clear very quickly that this was not the relationship I thought would last.

Working out my choices while working through my pain was the hardest part of all, and I will never forget having to reconcile the two.

Life goes on, even when you are at your most difficult time. For me, that was me. And I knew there was no future in marriage.

Needing to escape was more like a process I had to plan for, rather than just waking up and leaving the day I knew I was fed up.

I urge anyone reading this to think similarly, because your choices can change dramatically for the worse if you walk away without a little forethought. However, if you are in danger, you need to get out ASAP.

WhatIDidToGetOut

The exit happened in a few steps. I told my husband I was no longer happy, and he tried to change my mind by pretending we were just going through a temporary phase.

I kept thinking about that word.

This wasn’t just a passing moment.

I reached out to a friend I knew I could trust, and she let me slowly move my things into her garage. Gone were the things he wouldn’t have recognized, like my childhood boxes and my passport.