A relationship with a narcissist involves relentless, severe emotional abuse.
Narcissists are able to do this by brainwashing their victims. They use a variety of tactics in order to control their partner.
First, they “love bomb” their prey, then they threaten, humiliate, blame, criticize, manipulate, verbally abuse, control, blackmail, withdraw, withhold love and affection, and deceive their victims.
Sam Vaknin, a self-proclaimed narcissist and author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Reborn , describes how a narcissist abuses his victim:
“He infiltrates her defenses, shatters her self-confidence, confuses and disorients her, humiliates and degrades her. He invades her territory, exploits her trust, drains her resources, harms her loved ones, threatens her stability and security, involves her in his paranoid mental states, frightens and drives her crazy, withholds love and sex, withholds satisfaction and frustrates her, humiliates and degrades her in private and in public, points out her flaws, and criticizes her harshly and in a ‘scientific and objective’ way—and this is a partial list.
Related : My Father the Narcissist: A Narcissistic Father is a Tyrant and a Bully
Often, the narcissist acts sadistically under the guise of an enlightened concern for his victim’s well-being. He plays the role of a psychiatrist for her (wholly invented) mental illness. He plays the role of a spiritual guru for her need for guidance, an uncle or father figure, a teacher, and the only true friend, The old man and the experienced one. All this in order to weaken her defenses and surround her deteriorating nerves. “The narcissistic type of sadism is so subtle and toxic that we might consider it the most dangerous of all.”
The narcissist will try to brainwash you and has many tools up his sleeve. The goal is to keep you under control, and to get the affection and attention he deserves.
- The Narcissist and Love Bombing
“Love Bombing” is an attempt to influence a person by showing them lavish attention and affection.
It has been used to refer to abusers in romantic relationships who shower their victims with praise, gifts, and affection in the early stages of a relationship. One victim describes it as follows:
“My narcissistic girlfriend thought I was great, came to me for advice, and was willing to do anything for me; she was so like me and so perfect until the cracks started to show. They can’t keep up a facade for long. But they are masters, if you don’t know better, at getting you hooked.”
The feeling of “love” you feel is more intense than usual because the narcissist first showers you with expressions of love, then withholds, then gives less;
Over time, this changes you—it’s a form of manipulation, control, and brainwashing.
There’s no question that you loved. But the narcissist can’t love you back.
What happens in this type of relationship is that you get so caught up in the feeling that you don’t listen to the alarms going off in your head.
- The Narcissist Uses Humiliation
Narcissists use humiliation and degrading tactics that can make it difficult to resist their control strategies.
They use tactics such as sarcasm, criticism, name-calling, belittling, excessive blaming, yelling, threats, and humiliation.
Over time, the constant verbal and emotional attacks weaken the victims and erode their sense of self-confidence and self-esteem, while making the narcissist feel more powerful and thus more in control.
- Narcissistic Verbal Assaults
This includes belittling, belittling, criticism, name-calling, yelling, threats, excessive blaming, using sarcasm, and humiliation.
It also includes exaggerating your flaws and humiliating you in public. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self-confidence and self-esteem.
- Emotional Blackmail
Here the abuser plays on your fears, guilt, empathy, values, or other “sensitive feelings” to get what they want.
This may include threatening to end the relationship, “ignoring,” or other fear tactics.
- Demonstrating dominance:
The narcissist believes and promotes an attitude that he or she is very powerful and victorious, which may convince the victim that resisting the narcissist is futile.
They need to control others, have everything their way, and will resort to threats or other methods to achieve submission. Eventually, the victim loses self-esteem.
- Threats If the victim does not comply
Narcissists will reinforce feelings of anxiety and hopelessness in their victims through threats and intimidation.
Related : The Narcissist and Emotional Abuse
This encourages the victim to submit to the narcissist’s unreasonable demands or bullying.
- Abusive Expectations
The abuser places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside (including your children) to take care of their “very important” needs.
This may be a demand for constant attention, frequent sex, or a requirement to spend all your free time with this person.
But no matter how much you give, it is never enough. You are constantly criticized and berated for not meeting all of this person’s needs.
Read more about Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome in one of my other articles.
- Isolation
Isolation deprives the victim of any social support, which reduces their ability to resist.
The narcissist will keep the victim unaware of what is happening (e.g., by taking complete control of the family finances, making plans that are unknown to the victim, telling others about them, etc.).
This strategy leads the victim to rely on the narcissist for validation and information.
The narcissist will insist on controlling their partner’s time and physical environment in an attempt to suppress their normal behavior and feelings of independence.
They may insist that their partner give up certain hobbies, social activities, or work.
They may even insist that their partner move to a new location with them, further isolating the victim from their family or friends.
- Complete Control of the Victim’s Perceptions
Abusers may convince victims that aspects of the victim’s personality or behavior are “wrong,” shifting the focus away from what the narcissist is doing.
By isolating the victim, the narcissist can then control the type of information and stimuli that the victim has access to.
- Unpredictable Responses
Extreme mood swings or sudden emotional outbursts are used to keep the victim unsettled and anxious.
This behavior makes the victim feel like they are always on edge. They are always waiting for something bad to happen and can never know what to expect.
They remain hypervigilant, waiting for the other person to get angry or change their mood next.
Living this way is very difficult and anxiety-provoking, leaving the abuser feeling constantly scared, unsettled, and off balance.
- Constant Chaos
Narcissists may intentionally start arguments and be in constant conflict with others.
They are often addicted to “drama” because it creates excitement.
- Manipulation
Narcissists deny that certain events happened or that certain things were said.
The victim knows otherwise but the other person will deny their perceptions, memory, and sanity. This causes them to start thinking they are crazy or out of their mind.
- Making Petty Demands
They will make a big fuss over petty matters in order to train the victim to develop a habit of compliance.
- Occasional Indulgence
Narcissists may offer “rewards” or show kindness to encourage and motivate compliance with their demands.
Eventually, the victim is brainwashed into believing that their partner is so smart and powerful that it makes them feel like there is no point in resisting them.
The truth is that the narcissist is a dysfunctional, malicious, and abusive individual.
Narcissists and other abusers use these tactics because they are so effective in achieving their goals of manipulation and control.
