If you are currently in a committed relationship with a narcissist, you may think that your life is a permanent hell – or at least purgatory.
You may wonder if you will continue in the relationship, will it get better with age, or will it calm down?
Unfortunately, there is no longitudinal research study with a definitive answer.
Do narcissists get worse with age? One study in the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry (F.Stinson et al, 2008) suggested that pathological narcissists may calm down, as the characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder were more prevalent in younger adults than in older adults.
However, if one reads the abundant blogs available on the Internet, it seems that they are completely committed to the view that narcissistic traits get worse as the narcissist ages.
There are a few less common but still published stories of narcissists who have toned down their tantrums and learned to control their verbal abuse and constant demands.
Mild narcissistic traits may diminish over time, but pathological narcissism does not.
So do narcissists get worse with age?
In general, narcissists do not become more flexible, empathetic, or accepting as they age.
These are the personality traits of narcissistic personality disorder and are unlikely to change.
Aging is hard on the ego—it increases dependency and vulnerability, usually reduces status (unless you’re Donald Trump or Hugh Hefner), provokes regret, and increases feelings of envy.
Thus, it makes sense that an ego-related disorder, such as narcissistic personality disorder, would worsen as one gets older.
Over time, “child prodigies lose their charm, lovers run out of steam, adulterers waste their charm, and geniuses lose their touch.”
Over time, the narcissist grows closer and closer to being mediocre as the gap between his or her grandiose expectations and actual accomplishments widens.
Why Don’t They Get Better?
In order to “get better,” the narcissist must admit that his or her behavior and treatment of others was wrong or inappropriate.
The narcissist must also admit that he or she needs to become a more compassionate human being. This will not happen for several reasons:
1) The narcissist is never wrong. “Wrong” or “inappropriate” are words that do not exist in the narcissist’s vocabulary of self-perception. The narcissist strongly believes that he or she is right, even if others disagree with him or her.
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2) Empathy and compassion are weaknesses. Narcissists view empathy and compassion as weaknesses because they allow people to be exploited (especially by the narcissist). They intuitively know that they can manipulate and control compassionate people.
3) There is no value to the narcissist in being a better person. The narcissist may imitate compassion or empathy if it is beneficial to him or her—something that leads to narcissistic supply such as attention or appreciation from others. Like other theatrical acts in his life, this will simply be an actor strutting his stuff on stage for his audience. As interest wanes, so does empathy and contrived sympathy.
The Aging Narcissistic Parent
Reading blogs from children of narcissistic parents, it is clear that pathological parents become increasingly cruel as they age.
They hold their children hostage by brainwashing them with commitment, guilt, and fear.
And they continue to manipulate and punish. One example on the internet tells of a malicious elderly mother who punished her children after years of miserable parenting by leaving all her money to charity,
claiming that she would never want to “handicap her children with something as heavy as an inheritance.” Instead of aging gracefully, the narcissist’s rage grows with age.
They are prone to harboring more narcissistic rage against their adult children. They have no difficulty in inexplicably cutting off contact.
Their lack of empathy for their families becomes apparent as their children grow older.
When their current spouse and children no longer provide reliable narcissistic supply, they simply turn to another source to get what they want.
They often abruptly abandon the old family and start a new one.
Children can be a major source of narcissistic supply; they unconditionally worship, idolize their parents, and are submissive (when they are young).
Children, on the other hand, can take away attention from the narcissist.
They can take away much of what the narcissist wants for himself: time, energy, resources, and attention.
It is not uncommon for narcissists to view their children as a threat, an inconvenience, or an unnecessary evil.
In general, a narcissist is a terrible friend, a terrible lover, and a terrible parent… regardless of age.
They are likely to divorce several times (if they marry at all) and end up in a series of monogamous relationships. Narcissists do not mature as they age; They continue to seek revenge for perceived insults, narcissistic injuries, and threats to their superiority.
Restoring a parent-child relationship later in life is highly unlikely; it is impossible to have a genuine, rewarding relationship with an aging narcissistic parent.
Can aging narcissists return to normal life?
Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self-Love, was asked whether aging narcissists could return to normal life if they received therapy, counseling, or social support. He responded as follows:
“How can a narcissist return to a ‘normal life’ when – by the very definition of his disorder – he has never lived a normal life and is completely incapable of doing so? Narcissists are mentally ill. Pathological narcissism cannot be ‘cured’ or ‘cured’.
Only some of the accompanying mental health problems – such as depression or obsessive-compulsive disorder – can be alleviated or controlled with medication.
In addition, particularly disturbing, disruptive, or antisocial behaviors can be modified with talk therapy (cognitive behavioral therapy is most successful).
Narcissists rarely seek therapeutic help and certainly do not listen to advice of any kind.
The narcissist constantly consumes (in effect, preys on) adoration, admiration, approval, applause, attention, and other forms of narcissistic supply.
When lacking or in short supply, narcissistic deficit disorder sets in.
The narcissist then appears depressed, his movements slow down, and his sleep patterns become irregular.
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Disturbed (either sleeping too much or having insomnia), and changing eating patterns (binge eating or avoiding eating altogether).
Dr. Vaknin goes on to cite specific behaviors and feelings that an aging narcissist may exhibit: chronic sadness (mood disturbance), lack of pleasure in anything (including his former hobbies and interests),
violent mood swings (often narcissistic rages), and compulsive alcohol or drug abuse, reckless driving, or shopping addiction.
The general conclusion is that narcissists get worse with age. Some might say that narcissists continue to “be narcissists” except that they show more symptoms of depression as they get older.
Others might claim that they have gotten away with their actions for so long that they are upping the ante by increasing their narcissistic abuse and demands.
They’ve lost their looks, no one supports their grandiose fantasies, their old magic no longer works, they’ve likely had several failed marriages and countless failed relationships, their children shun them… no wonder they’re depressed. Some might say this is poetic justice.
