Should you tell a narcissist they’re a narcissist? Narcissists hurt you on every front, and all you want to do is confront them and tell them they’re a narcissist so they can change their behavior. But is that really possible? Let’s start with an example.

Scott was probably desperate. The relationship started out well enough—his girlfriend was sweet, kind, and affectionate at first.

But soon the lies began. Or rather, he began to notice them. The mask fell, and her lack of empathy began to shine through.

Then came the insults. The criticism. The guilt trips. The fake tears. After 8 months of abuse, he was at his wit’s end.

Scott had read about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) online, and he was pretty sure his partner fit the bill. So, he decided to confront her about it. To tell her who—and what—she was.

He was hoping for a moment of enlightenment, something that would make her change.

But unfortunately for Scott, it only led to more guilt trips. And that, unfortunately, is a common reaction from narcissists.

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Have you ever thought about doing the same thing? You’re probably wondering if it’s a good idea.

Should you tell a narcissist they’re a narcissist? We’ll get to that—but first, let’s explore where this impulse comes from.

Why do people want to confront narcissists?

Everyone has their own reasons, but like Scott, they are often born out of frustration. People are struggling to deal with the narcissist’s behavior, and they are looking for a way out.

Some common reasons people might want to confront narcissists include:

• To help them understand why they act the way they do
• Because “the truth might set them free”
• To change their behavior
• To hurt them
• To make them take responsibility for their behavior
• To regain a sense of control by standing up to the narcissist
• To hurt the narcissist

If someone has hurt you—whether it’s your partner, a family member, or someone at work—and you recognize them as a narcissist, the urge to tell them can be strong.

You can see something about them that they can’t see. You want to tell them:

“You’re a narcissist. You lack empathy. You’ve probably experienced some trauma that’s hurt you.

You have low self-esteem, so you’ve built a fake self that your fragile true self can hide behind.

You need a constant supply of attention and adoration to maintain this facade.

This is why you’re acting this way. You’re punishing me for your own pain.

It may sound like a good idea to say all this. But is it a good strategy? Does it really work?

CanYouTellNarcissistsThey’reNarcissists?

Of course, you can tell them. The question is, will they listen? Will they accept what you’re saying, take responsibility for it, and try to change?

The hurdle you face here is that much of a narcissist’s behavior is unconscious. They often don’t even realize the real reason for their behavior.

This puts them in a position where it’s hard to take real responsibility for their actions – something narcissists rarely do.

To them, they’re the victims. And if they act in abusive ways, And devastatingly, it’s someone else’s fault.

In an ideal world, you would tell the narcissist that they have NPD, and this would lead to a moment of revelation for them.

They would realize that they don’t see the world in a helpful way and that they’re causing others — and themselves — suffering:

“Oh yeah, you’re right! Thanks for bringing this to my attention!

I’m going to find a good therapist now to help me feel good again. If I can do that, I’ll get in touch — if not, I’ll leave you alone and stop causing you problems!”

Unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world. Narcissists may simply downplay or deny what you say.

Furthermore, even if they accept that they are a narcissist, they may simply see this as a positive!

These types of responses are the most likely. However, there are times when you may want to consider confronting a narcissist.

Should You Tell a Narcissist They’re a Narcissist?

Let’s look at some of the pros and cons of telling a narcissist they’re a narcissist.

Pros

There’s a chance they’ll try to change their behavior, however small.

You’re at least giving them a chance to improve their life, whether for their own sake or for the sake of others.

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If you’re planning to cut off contact with a narcissist, or have already started, you may feel like you owe them an explanation as to why.

Cons

It’s unlikely to lead to a moment of enlightenment. They’ll likely respond in the way they normally do.

It could lead to more confrontation. They may turn it around and try to manipulate you—convincing you that you’re the narcissist, and that they’re the victim (and they may actually believe that).

Confrontation can sometimes be a form of narcissistic supply. It shows the narcissist that they can influence you emotionally, which can make them feel powerful. You may end up having the opposite effect.

Should You Tell a Narcissist They Need Help?

As mentioned above, one of the “advantages” of telling a narcissist that they are a narcissist is that it may lead to them seeking help. This is worth at least some thought.

If you are being abused by a narcissist, you may see such a confrontation as a potential way to stop the abuse – you are trying to remove or reduce your suffering at their hands.

But it is also worth bearing in mind that it is in their best interest for them to recognise that they have a mental disorder, and seek treatment for it, too – and they cannot do this if they do not recognise that they have a problem.

Although Narcissistic Personality Disorder is difficult to treat, there are success stories. In these cases, someone had to tell them that they had NPD, and that they needed help.

This should be the first step towards a life that is not only less harmful to others, but also better for them.

Unfortunately, the second step is honest self-awareness – and sadly, this is often lacking in narcissists! Let’s take a brief look at what you are up against here.

Narcissism and Self-Awareness – A Quick Guide

To help you get an idea of ​​how Narcissistic Personality Disorder affects self-awareness, here are some common questions people ask:

Do narcissists know they’re hurting you? Generally, they understand that they’re hurting you, but they justify their behavior in some way. They also tend to be reactive, in the heat of the moment, rather than planned. However, some narcissists, who we call “malignant narcissists,” intentionally and deliberately cause pain.

Do narcissists know what they’re doing? Narcissists often know what they’re doing, but they have little sense of why they’re doing it. Their self-awareness doesn’t go very deep.

Do narcissists know they’re using you? It varies from person to person. They may be aware that they’re using you, but they don’t see it as a problem. They may not feel, understand, or acknowledge the pain their manipulations are causing you.

Do narcissists feel guilty? They may feel guilty, but they are less likely to. When their feelings are hurt (like after a confrontation!), they are much less likely to feel guilty about what they do in response. While narcissists are not lacking in empathy, many are, and it’s hard to feel guilty when you’re oblivious to the pain you’re causing them.

Do narcissists cry? Yes—narcissists have very sensitive skin, and some narcissists cry when they’re upset.

Do narcissists feel emotional pain? Although many online blogs portray narcissists as emotionless monsters, this is simply not true. Narcissists feel all the emotions that non-narcissists do, but to different degrees, and in response to different things. However, they may not truly understand what’s upsetting them, or why.

Do narcissists feel remorse? Narcissists are capable of feeling remorse, but this feeling is less common and not as intense as that of non-narcissists. Again, when narcissists are poor at empathy, they often don’t realize that they’ve done something they should regret.

But given the impact that narcissists tend to have on others, surely they know that something is wrong with them?

Do narcissists know they’re ill?

There are some narcissists who have recognized their condition and taken steps to treat it. But as we’ve just seen, this level of self-awareness is not a feature of the condition.

It’s rare for narcissists to know (or accept, if they do know) that they have an illness, in the same way that people with other mental illnesses, such as depression or anxiety, know.

For example, the Australian broadcaster SBS interviewed a person diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, who had been in treatment for 10 years.

When asked if he had any idea he had Narcissistic Personality Disorder before he was diagnosed, he said, “No, no. Until that day I didn’t even know what it was.”

Narcissists don’t tend to come to the conclusion that they are ill on their own.

Admitting that they have a mental illness is an admission of a flaw, which narcissists find very difficult. They believe they are superior, not inferior.

Do Narcissists Respond to Treatment?

So, narcissists don’t have a clear sense of why they act the way they do, and they generally don’t believe that the way they act is a problem.

This lack of self-awareness is what you’re dealing with if you want to convince a narcissist to seek treatment.

However, if they can get past this hurdle, some narcissists do seek treatment and find benefits.

Dr. Eleanor Greenberg, a New York City psychologist who specializes in narcissistic personality disorder, lists seven key characteristics of self-aware narcissists—those most likely to respond to treatment:

Motivated—they have a reason to change

High-functioning—able to cope with modern life, for example, holding down a job, paying bills on time, etc.

Psychologically understanding—curious about how people think
Able to self-reflect
Intelligent
Relatively emotionally stable
A desire for overall self-improvement

If the person you’re considering confronting meets most of these traits, you’re likely to succeed in your efforts.

How to Tell a Narcissist He’s a Narcissist or Needs Help?

The first thing you should do is make sure this is the course of action you want to take.

Either way, they won’t thank you for sharing this with them, and it could lead to more abuse and conflict. They may use what you say to try to gain more control over you.

Related : How to React to Narcissist Triangulation Explained With Real-Life Examples

Also, keep in mind that if they do decide to seek help, there’s a tough road ahead for them — and for you.

Narcissists certainly have their own wounds — but you likely have yours, too.

Be careful not to become someone else’s therapist, instead of your own. If you decide to go down this road with them, it won’t be easy.

Another thing you might wonder about is whether you should tell a narcissist how they’re making you feel.

This is another area where caution is advised. By telling them, you’re fueling their ego, by confirming that they have the power to emotionally influence you.

Telling a narcissist that they’re hurting you won’t lead to remorse, guilt, or shame. It’s unlikely to change their behavior.

Before you tell them, make sure you have enough support in your life, which could mean supportive friends or professional help.

Next, you can simply sit down and talk to the narcissist in your life about the traits they have that you think may be signs of NPD, and that they might benefit from getting some help.

But don’t go without a plan. Think about what you’ll do and say if they respond in different ways, such as:

If they try to turn things around so that you’re the one to blame

If they deny there’s a problem

If they become abusive

If they react in a passive-aggressive way

Also, set your boundaries, and stick to them. If they respond in a negative way, or if it’s clear that they’re not going to change, how will this affect your relationship?

Is this a sign that you need to end the relationship? You can’t control how they respond—only how you respond.

In general, make sure you don’t put your own safety at risk for the safety of someone else.