Narcissism blogs have been discussing this phenomenon for years. Rehab clinics offer courses for it. Yet many psychologists have never heard of it.

So what is narcissistic abuse syndrome?

Well, it’s a term used to describe common symptoms experienced by victims of narcissistic abuse. It’s also sometimes called “narcissistic victim syndrome” or “narcissistic victim abuse syndrome.”

Although narcissistic abuse syndrome sounds like a clinical diagnosis, it’s not an official condition.

The American Psychiatric Association publishes a manual of mental disorders called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders — Fifth Edition, or DSM-5 for short.

This is the reference guide for diagnosing mental health conditions, based on the latest scientific evidence. Narcissistic abuse syndrome is not in it.

It’s also not in the interest of psychologists who research narcissism. At the time of writing, a Google Scholar search for “narcissistic abuse syndrome” yielded only 11 results—and only one of those results was an actual academic source.

Now, this is not to say that narcissistic abuse doesn’t happen, or that it doesn’t have a very damaging effect on people.

Related : How To Get Over a Narcissist? Follow These 5 Steps

No one doubts that. But the question is whether it can be recognized as a syndrome, or a disorder, distinct from other similar conditions such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

How to Recognize Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome?

Have you ever been cooking something delicious in the kitchen, and someone walks in and says, “Wow, that smells amazing!”? Suddenly you realize that you can’t smell the food at all.

You’ve become, as they say, “nose-blind.” Because the smell of cooking gradually increases over time, the smell receptors in your nose adapt. Each small change becomes a new normal.

The person walking into the kitchen hasn’t experienced this gradual adaptation, so they’re exposed to the smell all at once.

Something similar often happens with narcissistic abuse. It starts small and gradually gets worse, so you get used to it every step of the way.

At the same time, the narcissist may use manipulation tactics to make you wonder what’s going on, and make you feel like you’re responsible for the way you feel.

Since it can be difficult for victims to recognize that they’re actually victims, let’s look at some of the signs that you’re being abused by a narcissist.

There are two ways to look at this:

Signs of narcissistic abuse: This means the signs of the abuse itself, i.e. what the narcissist says and does to you that could be classified as abuse.

Symptoms of narcissistic abuse: This means the symptoms you experience as a result of the abuse, such as changes in your behaviour, or emotional/mental state.

What are the signs of narcissistic abuse?

Are you experiencing narcissistic abuse? See if any of the behaviours below sound familiar. Note that this is not an exhaustive list (there is more information in this article about narcissistic abuse).

Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse can sometimes take obvious forms, such as:

Insults/calling names

• Screaming/getting angry at you
• Belittling you
• Making accusations
• Blaming you for things that go wrong
• Insulting you when you don’t behave the way they want
• Making demands/ordering things around
• Undermining you
• Making unrealistic demands

But it can also take more subtle forms:

Using sarcasm
Criticising you excessively, perhaps in the form of jokes, or sometimes in front of other people
Interrupting you
‘Outsmarting’ – whatever you say, they have something better
Belittling you – if something positive happens to you, they say it’s not really good

Psychological Abuse

The psychological abuse people experience at the hands of narcissists can be as wide-ranging and can be just as damaging as physical abuse. It can include:

Manipulation

Influencing your behaviour in subtle or not-so-subtle ways. Twisting how situations happen to make you feel responsible, even for things that are completely their fault.

EmotionalBlackmail

The goal is to control your behavior by inducing fear, obligation, or doubt in you.

This may include threats, intimidation or punishment for behaving in ways they don’t want you to (if you have a high level of empathy, they may exploit this by threatening to harm themselves).

If you behave in ways they want, you will be rewarded – they will be kinder to you, compliment you and give you affection.

Gasgapping

Gasgapping means making someone question their memory, judgment or perception of events.

The name comes from the 1938 play Gas Light, where an abusive husband dims the gaslights in the house, but tells his wife that they haven’t been dimmed.

After a while, his wife begins to believe him and questions her own sanity.

Exploitation

Exploiting you sexually, financially or otherwise without regard to your needs, fears or feelings.

Isolation

Abusers often try to isolate their victims from friends, family, social services or any other form of support they may be seeking.

This puts the victim in a weaker position, and distances them from the support of people who might help them.

Passive-aggressive abuse

This can be considered a form of psychological abuse, but because it is so common, it is worth paying special attention to. This type of abuse may include:

The silent treatment: When your behavior does not meet their high (or impossible) standards, narcissists may withdraw their attention. Read more about narcissists and their silent treatment

Emotional withdrawal: They may interact with you, but on a very basic level, showing no feelings for anything, positive or negative. This can go on for days.

Related : 8 Deceitful Narcissist Cheating Signs You Should Not Deny

Criticism disguised as “help”: They may point out mistakes you’re making, but they do it in an almost playful way, so that it seems like friendly advice.

Physical abuse

Narcissists may use physical abuse and the threat of it as a way of controlling you, to try to get you to behave the way they want, or it may happen during a narcissistic rage.

Physical abuse may also be followed by manipulation (“It wasn’t that bad, I barely touched you”), blame (“If you didn’t act the way you do, I wouldn’t have to do it”), or manipulation (“I’m just doing it because I love you”).

Physical abuse can include:

Behaving in a physically imposing way without getting in your way so that you can’t get away from them.
Holding your arm tightly, or in a way that prevents you from doing something

Pinning you to a wall

Pinching, biting, pulling hair or biting

Pushing

Slapping, punching, kicking or otherwise hitting you

Throwing things at you or hitting you with an object

Sexual Abuse

Kristin Hammond, a US-based counsellor who specialises in narcissism, describes the three stages of narcissistic sexual abuse:

Early stage: It may start with a gentle preparation – encouraging you to do things you are uncomfortable with, such as sending sexts. This is to test you, to see if you will give in. You may be called a prude or receive other forms of verbal manipulation if you do not.

The stubborn stage: If you give in, you will be pushed to do more extreme things that you do not want to do (no matter how extreme you are, it is common for abusers to try to push you a little further, to create a habit of compliance). Punishment for not doing so may escalate to physical abuse.

Violent Stage: Sometimes the abuse can escalate into violence: rape, degrading/humiliating acts, or sadistic sexual acts (inflicting pain on you for their own pleasure).

Once again we see the familiar pattern of slow, gradual escalation. However, it is important to note that not all narcissists engage in sexual abuse, and not all of them become violent.

What are the symptoms of narcissistic abuse?

Now that we have gone through some of the common signs of narcissistic abuse, let’s talk about the symptoms – that is, the impact this abuse has on victims.

Not everyone will experience every symptom here, and everyone will respond in different ways.

This is one of the arguments against classifying Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome as a disorder. However, there are some commonalities, so let’s review some of them.

Physical Symptoms

Not all narcissists are physically abusive, but victims of these will certainly suffer physical trauma.

The extent of this will depend on the severity of the abuse and can range from minor bruises and cuts to extensive bruises, cuts and broken bones.

In addition to these symptoms, victims of abuse are at a higher risk for stress-related illnesses, which can cause physical symptoms. These symptoms can include:

• Headaches
• Digestive problems
• High blood pressure
• Muscle tension/pain
• Skin conditions
• Sleep problems
• More colds and infections due to poor immune function

Emotional symptoms

It’s no surprise that some narcissists’ psychological abuse can cause significant emotional problems. Here are some of the most common symptoms of narcissistic emotional abuse:

Low self-esteem – If someone puts you down and points out your flaws over and over again for a long period of time, you’ll eventually start to believe them.

• Fear
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Stress
• Guilt – Narcissists’ victims blame themselves
• Obsessive or compulsive behaviors
• Irritability

Cognitive symptoms

When I say “cognitive” here, I’m referring to the “thinking” parts of the brain, not the emotional side.

So, things like memory, concentration, problem solving, and decision making.

According to neuroscientists, there is a link between the trauma a person experiences as a result of abuse and changes in the areas of the brain that control some of these cognitive functions — memory in particular.

There are also long-term effects in about 15 percent of victims, according to Dr. J. Douglas Breminer of West Haven Hospital.

See also: “The Painful Silent Treatment by a Narcissist Is a Form of Abuse”

In addition to impaired cognitive functioning, abuse victims may also experience unwanted or intrusive thoughts. For example, they may:

Flashback to specific instances of abuse

Experience negative thoughts about themselves

Pain about minor mistakes they make

Such thoughts can be a source of great distress and can be difficult to control.

Want to know more about what narcissistic abuse is?

Symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome

Many victims of narcissistic abuse come to a therapist not because they are being abused, but because they feel uncomfortable with themselves.

They may not even know they are being abused—at least not because their partner is a narcissist.

They see a therapist for reasons that many other people do – they are emotionally distressed, and they want to know why and how to fix it.

Related : How to React to Narcissist Triangulation Explained With Real-Life Examples

Some of the most common symptoms among victims of narcissistic abuse specifically are:

They don’t believe they are being abused: This may be because the abuse is so subtle – remember, not all narcissists progress to extreme forms of abuse. Or the narcissist may have used manipulation and manipulation so that the victim doesn’t see the abuse for what it is.

They respect their abuser – perhaps even idolize them.

Loneliness – This may be because abusers try to isolate their victims. But there’s another factor here – relationships with narcissists are often lonely, because they are one-way.

They compromise their own preferences and values ​​to please the narcissist. For example, a narcissistic mother may push her daughter into a career path she doesn’t like, or a narcissistic husband may pressure his wife into sexual activities she’s uncomfortable with.

These aspects of narcissistic abuse may make people see it as a syndrome in its own right, as opposed to a group of disorders such as complex PTSD, anxiety, depression, and stress.

However, critics may argue that these symptoms occur in other types of abuse, such as those caused by abusive psychopaths.

What do victims of narcissistic abuse feel like?

What do victims of narcissistic abuse feel like? The above descriptions of narcissistic abuse are a bit clinical and don’t capture the essence of what people go through.

A 2018 study interviewed women who had been in intimate relationships with narcissists who eventually became abusive. Here are some of their comments.

At first, the relationship was positive. Narcissists are often very charming and charismatic at first.

“We did everything together. I was completely in love with him.”

“He would always say, ‘I can’t believe how lucky I am.’ … He was so charismatic and funny. … I really liked him.”

Things soon began to change. The abuse started to creep in, but sometimes they justified it.

“I was wearing really nice clothes, and he turned around and said, ‘You’re not wearing that,’ and I just started crying and had to go and change.”

“I was using all of my part-time job money to cater to his desires, which were marijuana and alcohol, but it was also like, ‘Oh this is love, we’re having so much fun.’”

“Slowly everything started to go his way, his desires and needs… I was always very permissive… I wasn’t bothered about it at the time… I was just so happy that I was getting what I thought was love.”

However, they had some doubts.

I had some question marks about him… When you’re young and idealistic, you think, oh, everything is going to be okay.

“There were instances, maybe warning signs that I could have picked up on, but I didn’t.”

The abuse progressed, and the women began to experience serious symptoms. Fear was common.

“It was a constant state of fear because I never knew. He was unpredictable, so I was constantly on edge… fearing for my life… I felt completely helpless, I felt like a child.”

“I felt afraid for my future. I knew it was going to end badly.”

“… If I tried and cooked, he would find a million things wrong with it, so I never cooked. I was so afraid of that.”

But the narcissist could always bring them back to normal after an episode of abuse.

They experienced cognitive symptoms too.

“I felt disconnected from reality too… I would black out, especially during lectures… I would go into my dream world for an hour.”

“I can’t even remember half of what happened, because you know, you kind of ignore it after you’ve had to go through everything.”

Then he manipulated them—made them believe things that weren’t true.

“They would always blame me for being the one who cheated. I’d never cheated in my life… It was constant… It really affected you. I was like, ‘Am I doing these things? Am I really doing these things?’ He made you believe that this is the actual truth.”

He also showed symptoms of low self-esteem and depression.

“… Frustrated and sad… I got down… I got to this very low point in myself.”
“I was crying almost every day, usually by myself in my car on the way to work.”

Related : The 6 Stages of Healing After Narcissistic Abuse | How to Move On?

“… I started losing my self-esteem. You get in this hole, and you can’t get out of it… Your self-esteem just gets lower and lower.”

How to Deal with Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome

The first step you should take if you think you have Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, or if you think you’re experiencing narcissistic abuse, is to seek support.

Find a therapist or counselor who has experience dealing with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and reach out to them.

It can also help to find a trusted friend to talk to. Make it someone who doesn’t know the narcissist, so they can have an unbiased opinion. Having someone on your side will be a huge help in all your other efforts.

Strategies for Dealing with Narcissistic Abuse

Whenever you’re dealing with a difficult situation in your life, you have two ways to deal with it:

Emotion-focused coping: Finding ways to deal with the emotions you’re experiencing.

Problem-focused coping: Removing or overcoming the source of your difficulties.

Let’s look at these in turn.

Coping with Narcissistic Abuse by Focusing on Emotions

Here are some strategies that can help you manage the emotional symptoms of narcissistic abuse — at least to some extent.

These aren’t cures, but they can give you a little extra emotional strength, and some mental clarity to help you think more clearly.

Mindfulness meditation is a mental technique where you bring your attention to the present moment. It can help you get out of negative thought loops, and can help disable your body’s stress response. There’s a beginner’s guide on mindfulorg.

Exercise: Researchers have found that physical exercise can increase your resistance to emotional stress. Light to moderate cardio is helpful for this. If you can find a friend to exercise with, and exercise outdoors in a natural environment, that’s even better.

Slow breathing: Try a 5-2-7-2 breathing pattern — inhale for 5 seconds, hold your breath for 2 seconds, exhale for 7 seconds, hold your breath for 2 seconds, and repeat. Studies have shown that this can calm your nervous system and reduce levels of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline.

Practice self-compassion: While it’s easier said than done, it can really help you to be on your own side and stop blaming yourself. If you find yourself criticizing yourself, try replacing it with self-compassion. Ask yourself, what would you say to a close friend or family member in your situation? Would you talk to them the way you talk to yourself? Probably not. What would you say to calm and comfort them? Say that to yourself.

Dealing with Narcissistic Abuse by Focusing on the Problem

For victims of narcissistic abuse, the first priority is to stop the abuse from happening. But depending on the nature of the relationship, your plan for doing so can be very different.

In a relationship, this will most certainly mean ending the relationship and cutting ties with the abuser.

If the narcissist is a relative, it can be more complicated. Some people have cut ties with narcissistic parents and siblings altogether – it depends on the nature, extent and impact of the abuse.

Get support: I want to say this again because it’s important – get some support before you try anything. Find a qualified and experienced counsellor, and/or join a support group. Contact your friends or any trusted friends you know who might be able to help, even if it just means having someone to talk to.

Set boundaries: This doesn’t mean arguing, but simply stating what you don’t want them to do. For example, tell them that they can no longer shout at you or insult you – if they do, you will end the conversation and go to another room. Make sure you follow through.

Make an exit plan: Talk to your support network about what you plan to do. What exactly will you say? List the different ways they might respond, and work on what you will do or say in each scenario.

Avoid reciprocity: While it’s tempting, don’t try to play the narcissist’s game, try to manipulate them or do something to hurt them. Avoid doing things that might lead to further abuse.

Healing After Narcissistic Abuse

Dealing with narcissistic abuse by focusing on the emotion and focusing on the problem are all about how you deal with narcissistic abuse while it’s ongoing.

But this is only the beginning of the journey. Once you’ve gotten out of the cage, it’s time to begin the healing process.

Some of this will happen on its own. Once the source of the abuse is gone, you may feel some initial relief, and you may now feel like there’s a force driving you to improve your health.

However, it’s unfortunate that abuse can sometimes cast a long shadow over people’s lives, even after it’s over.

Symptoms may improve, but they will not go away overnight. Seek help from a qualified professional – they will be able to advise you on the course of healing of the wounds you have suffered.