“The food was terrible. My ex-wife used to make this dish so well, why can’t you?”

“My friends are funnier than you, and they don’t annoy me like you do.”

“You always screw up these reports. Why can’t you make them like Jane?”

Have you ever heard comments like this from a narcissist in your life? If so, you’ve become a target of the Narcissistic Triangle.

This is a very common manipulation tactic among narcissists, and one that can unfortunately have a profound effect on its victims.

But don’t worry — in this article, you’ll learn everything you need to know to recognize, understand, and deal with the Narcissistic Triangle. Let’s get started.

WhatIsTheNarcissisticTriangle?

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a professor of psychology at California State University, calls the Narcissistic Triangle “a psychological triad you didn’t agree to.”

Related : The 6 Stages of Healing After Narcissistic Abuse | How to Move On?

This is where the narcissist brings a third party into your relationship, engineering a rivalry, usually in order to gain some sort of control or power over you.

The third person might be someone you know – perhaps a sibling.

But often, the third person will be someone you don’t know well, or even at all – perhaps someone from their past.

This technique isn’t unique to narcissists – although triangulation and narcissism often go hand in hand.

Narcissistic triangulation can take different forms, depending on the nature of the relationship, so let’s go over some examples.

NarcissisticTriangulationWithEx-Partners

If you’re in a romantic relationship with a narcissist, you may experience narcissistic triangulation with the narcissist’s ex-partners.

This can happen even when it’s someone you’ve never met – they might tell you all the wonderful things they loved about their ex, or mention the things their ex did better than you.

This can start out very subtle – small, off-hand comments here and there that don’t worry you much.

Then it can escalate into more explicit comparisons. The goal here is usually to make you jealous.

They may also use it with an ex-partner they didn’t like. In this case, the strategy is a little different.

The narcissist may talk about an ex-partner in very negative terms, making it very clear that they are someone they don’t like or respect at all.

Then they compare you to them. The goal in this case is to embarrass you for being or doing something similar to their ex.

NarcissisticTriangulationIntra-Family

If you’re the child of a narcissistic parent, you’re probably shaking your head as you read some of the descriptions above.

Narcissistic parents often have a favorite or “golden” child, a scapegoat – the target of the triangulation.

At its core, narcissistic triangulation within the family boils down to the classic “divide and conquer” strategy.

Julius Caesar used this strategy when he conquered the Celts – sowing distrust between separate tribes, stirring up hostility between them, and putting himself in a stronger position.

Narcissistic parents may do something similar with their own children.

The golden child is idealized, and the narcissistic parent may see him or her as an heir apparent – ​​a close extension of themselves.

The scapegoat is the opposite. They can’t do many things right and regularly find themselves on the receiving end of criticism, complaints, and unfavorable comparisons to the golden child.

NarcissisticTriangulation in the Workplace

Narcissistic leaders in the workplace may use this to foster a chaotic and toxic environment among their employees.

One or more employees may find themselves the subject of workplace gossip.

Meetings may be held without all relevant people present. People may be “accidentally” excluded from email chains.

In a similar way to family dynamics, favored members of the staff will be turned against those who are less favored.

This creates a dynamic of distrust among employees. The narcissist is playing a game of chess here, using people as pawns.

He alone can see the entire board, and this makes people dependent on him – everything has to go through him because he alone has all the information.

Unfortunately, this type of work environment is all too common when narcissists move into leadership roles.

A 2011 study found a strong link between narcissistic traits in CEOs and workplace bullying.

So that’s narcissistic triangulation. Now let’s move on to what drives this behavior.

Why do narcissists triangulate in the first place? What drives them, and what are they trying to achieve?

WhyDoNarcissistsTriangulate?

Understanding many of the behaviors of narcissists can really help you understand a little bit about their nature.

So before we get into the triangle, let’s take a quick look at their overall psychological makeup:

While most narcissists (with the exception of vulnerable narcissists) put on a grandiose exterior and have an unreasonably high opinion of themselves, this masks a low and fragile self-esteem.

Narcissists have a very hard time identifying or understanding their self-worth, and because of this, they need a constant supply of admiration, flattery, and attention from others. We call this narcissistic supply.

If they don’t get their supply, they may suffer from narcissistic injury — this is when they get a glimpse of their “real” self-esteem, and see that it may not match the way they like to see themselves. This is very upsetting for the narcissist and can often lead to narcissistic rage and abusive behaviors toward others.

While narcissists may have different reasons for using triangulation, their use of it tends to fit into this general framework.

This will make more sense when we look at some of the main motivations for triangulation.

ToControl

Gaining control is an important goal for many narcissists, and it is one of the many methods they may use to achieve it.

As we just discussed, narcissists need flattery and attention from others to shore up their self-esteem — to get their narcissistic supply.

So leaving people to their own devices is a risky proposition for narcissists. You never know when someone might say or do something that hurts your self-esteem.

So, the best strategy—from their perspective—is to try to control people.

Using whatever means they have at their disposal to paint themselves in a positive light in the eyes of others.

They try to direct others to act in a way that will give them their narcissistic supply.

Through triangulation, the narcissist can become the puppet master of their social world. It is their trump card that they can use to control what others think and how they feel.

If people start to threaten their self-esteem, they can bring in the third person to nip that behavior in the bud — whether that’s by talking about the third person, or literally bringing them in and getting them on the narcissist’s side.

The ability to control people also gives the narcissist a sense of power — something they feel they deserve.

To get you to chase

This motive is most common in intimate relationships. The goal is to create jealousy, to make you feel like you’re in competition with the third person in the triangle.

They might mention things they like about them, “like” their posts on social media, or ask you to dress like them.

Once they’re jealous of you, the idea is that you’ll start chasing the narcissist. They want you to work harder at trying to please them.

And if you’re reacting negatively to the triangle, well, that’s good too.

If your jealousy makes you angry, it shows them that you care — which is a form of narcissistic supply in and of itself.

Related : How to Make a Narcissist Fear You? 12 Greatest Fears of the Narcissist

This can also lead to a fight, giving them an excuse to argue with you, belittle you, and lower your self-esteem. Which brings us to the next motive for triangulation…

LowerYourSelfEsteem

As mentioned above, a narcissistic injury can occur when a narcissist takes a peek at their “real” self, and sees that it may not match their idealized version of themselves.

Now, if this happened to someone who doesn’t have NPD and had this experience, they might be upset, but it can also be a positive thing.

They might use it as a springboard to try to improve themselves—perhaps changing the way they act toward certain people, reading personal development books, or finding some other way to become a better person.

But narcissists struggle with this logic. They are already perfect, and there’s nothing to improve on.

So if improving themselves isn’t an option, what’s left? Unfortunately, the opposite approach is to try to belittle the people around them—even the ones they claim to love.

If a narcissist is able to bring the people around them down a ladder or two, they will be on top again.

Triangulation is a very effective strategy for this.

They cleverly bring another person into the picture and make that third person seem superior to you.

Pointing out your flaws, whether they are real or not, makes them feel better.

After a while of this narcissistic abuse, you may eventually start to believe it, which keeps you where they want you to be.

How to React to Narcissistic Triangulation?

If the above descriptions ring alarm bells for you, this raises an important question: How do I stop narcissistic triangulation? What can I do about it?

Here are 6 ways to help you stop triangulation.

1) Recognize the Game

While not all narcissists are schemers and manipulators, some certainly are—and some are great at what they do.

You may not realize you’re being triangulated until you’re deep in the game.

So the first step to getting out is recognizing that it’s happening to you.

Does your parent treat one of your siblings very differently than you do?

Does your romantic partner mention a potential rival, and do you find yourself feeling jealous of that person?

Is there a strong sense of favoritism in your workplace, or do you feel left out, or are people talking about you?

If you find yourself being triangulated, remember why it’s happening.

Keep in mind that this person has a mental disorder, is acting impulsively, and is reacting to their own deep-seated issues.

They may act in cruel and malicious ways—and this shouldn’t be ignored—but it can help to defuse the tension when you recognize that their actions are driven by extremely low and fragile self-esteem.

2) Don’t Play the Game

The only way to win this game is to not play it.

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that if you give in to their needs, the narcissistic abuse will end.

Don’t try to chase them down or seek their approval and validation, thinking that once you’ve earned it, the behavior will stop. In all likelihood, it won’t.

All you’ll be doing is reinforcing the behavior—you’re showing them that if they act this way toward you, you’ll reward them with the attention they want.

Related : How to Respond to a Narcissist’s Apology?

And even if it does work, it’s not the foundation of a healthy relationship—whether it’s with a parent, a coworker, or a romantic partner.

Your needs are important, so don’t sacrifice them for someone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

3) Respond, Don’t React

The best way to react to narcissistic triangulation when it happens is to not react at all.

This is hard. In a sense, you’re being attacked. When you’re being compared negatively to someone else, it’s natural to want to defend yourself.

You want to argue, to tell them they’re wrong, that the comparison is unfair, that they’re being insensitive.

But as we’ve seen, triangulation is an emotional provocation – the reaction is what they want! It just drags you deeper into the game.

Once you’ve reacted emotionally, the conversation can move to your reaction, rather than the offense that led to it.

Now they can say “Look at you, overreacting as usual, your sister doesn’t act like that!” Or they can turn it on you, “I’m being insensitive?! You’re the one being unfair, look how you’re treating me now!

Instead of engaging, a better approach is to stay calm, and say something like, “You’re entitled to your opinion” or “Okay, I don’t agree with what you’re saying, but you’re entitled to your feelings.”

Don’t get sucked into the game – respond, but don’t react.

4) Try mindfulness meditation

Mindfulness meditation is a mental exercise that can help you stay calm when you’re under stress.

You pay attention to a specific stimulus, usually your breathing or your physical sensations, and practice simply observing it without reacting.

Meditation can help create a gap between what’s happening to you and your reaction to it.

With practice, this gap widens, and eventually, it’s wide enough to stop, breathe, and calm yourself down before your emotions flare up.

If you want to try it, the Happy Project has a good mindfulness guide aimed at beginners.

5) Get support

Triangulation is a form of emotional abuse, so it’s not something you should face alone.

Get support from a trusted friend or, better yet, from a professional who specializes in Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

6) Leave the Triangle

Narcissistic personality disorder is a complex and difficult condition to treat.

There are cases where narcissists have sought treatment and subsequently seen their behavior change for the better.

But admitting that they have a disorder and seeking help to treat it is not something narcissists are naturally inclined to do.

So, if you have been the victim of triangulation by a narcissist, you are unlikely to expect that behavior to change.

You should consider leaving the triangle—that is, cutting off contact with the narcissist.

Making and implementing such a decision can be difficult. For this reason, Step 6, not Step 1, is best, although in many cases it should be the ultimate goal.

Make sure you have at least some support, that you are not engaging in a triangle, and that you are taking steps to take care of your mental health—which can be done through mindfulness or other methods.

After that, consider whether leaving the narcissist might be the best move for you.