In many cases, victims of narcissistic abuse do not leave the toxic relationship, they are abandoned.

You feel like you are left in the middle of the ocean with no anchor and no way to swim back to shore.

The confusion is overwhelming, you don’t understand why they left you because you tried to do everything right, but it wasn’t good enough.

It is important to remember that narcissists have mental disorders, they do not choose to act this way.

Therefore, what happened to you is not your fault or your ex’s fault.

Because of their condition, they are unable to experience the natural progression of the relationship, and there is no attachment phase with the narcissist.

After they come down from the dopamine high, they become bored and overwhelmed with negative feelings, which is what leads to the devaluation phase.

The narcissist does not sit around and plan this out; the fact that the majority of narcissists behave in a similar manner is evidence that it is a mental disorder.

Unfortunately, you will have experienced a lot of emotional trauma in your relationship with a narcissist, and it is possible to overcome the pain you have experienced.

But it will take time and it is important to learn about the six stages of healing after narcissistic abuse.

The Three Stages of Narcissistic Abuse

There are three stages of narcissistic abuse; idealization, devaluation, and elimination.

Victims describe the experience as being on an emotional roller coaster.

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The narcissist will repeat the cycle as often as they feel necessary to keep their partner in a place of subservience. The three stages include:

Idealization

Narcissists don’t target just anyone; they seek a combination of vulnerability and status.

For example, a very beautiful woman who seeks constant validation is the ideal partner for a narcissist.

Beauty gives them status, and vulnerability means there’s a high chance she’ll tolerate their abuse, which means she’s a good candidate for narcissistic supply.

Once they’ve determined that someone is valuable, they pursue them relentlessly. The narcissist will shower their victim with gifts, compliments, and promises of the perfect relationship.

The idealization stage is also known as love bombing; this charming side of the narcissist makes them impossible to resist.

Devaluation

When the narcissist launches their devaluation attack, in most cases, the victim is oblivious to what is happening.

At this stage, they are so infatuated with the narcissist that they believe they can do no wrong.

They cleverly disguise insults as compliments; the victim’s instincts will tell them that something is wrong,

But the love bombing stage has so much clouded their vision that they sweep it under the rug and act like everything is fine.

The devaluation stage is very confusing because the narcissist begins to display a split personality where they act one way in public and another way in private.

They slowly attack and may start targeting the victim’s friends and family in an attempt to isolate them.

In this way, the victim becomes completely dependent on the narcissist.

Devaluation

The narcissist will start dating someone because of what they can get from them.

Once the victim has lost their value and is no longer supportive, the narcissist will dump their current partner.

During this time, the victim will be subjected to intense manipulation known as othering, projection, and blaming.

The discard stage is an extreme version of the devaluation stage, where the fakery is gone and the real reign of terror begins.

Victims find this stage particularly difficult to deal with because the narcissist will blame them for the breakdown of the toxic relationship.

They will do their best to please the narcissist so they can experience the love bombing stage again, but there is nothing that can be done, the narcissist is ready to move on.

The 6 Stages of Healing After Narcissistic Abuse

Healing from abuse is a process, and you will go through several difficult stages on your journey to recovery.

There is no specific order to these stages, and you do not have to go through them all.

But these are the most common stages you will go through after an abusive relationship with a narcissist.

Denial

It is not uncommon to go through denial after a narcissistic relationship.

You will feel helpless, disconnected from reality. Because you loved your partner so much, you will not want to accept the shortcomings of the person you dedicated your life to.

Related ;: How to Make a Narcissist Fear You? 12 Greatest Fears of the Narcissist

You depended on them for your happiness, so it will feel safer to blame yourself for the abuse than to accept that you have fallen in love with someone capable of treating you in such a horrific way.

This is not a conscious decision; it is a fact of human psychology; many people will experience this after a traumatic event.

Guilt

Narcissists project their own life frustrations onto their victims.

They project their failures, disappointments, and hurts onto the person they are targeting.

Everything that is wrong, everything that goes wrong, all the flaws they see in themselves, the things they can’t fix, is blamed on you.

After hearing this day after day, you end up internalizing it and becoming programmed to believe that it’s your fault.

When you leave the relationship, you still carry this burden and feel guilty that you weren’t good enough to make him stay.

Shame

Shame kept you trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship, and shame will prevent you from moving forward after you leave it.

In some cases, shame will drive the victim into the arms of their narcissistic partner.

You will feel ashamed and embarrassed because you feel like you deserved the abuse and that the abuse was your fault because you acted in a way that made him lash out.

Additionally, friends and family members may be unintentionally insensitive and ask you hurtful questions like, “Why didn’t you leave sooner?” or “Why did you let him treat you this way?”

Questions like these make you feel like they’re blaming you for the abuse.

They’re taking your situation personally, and they don’t know how to deal with what you’ve been through.

In their minds, they’re asking these questions because they want to gain a better understanding.

But in your mind, they’re blaming you for allowing the abuse to happen, which only intensifies the shame.

Anger

Once you free yourself from the shackles of an abusive relationship, you will look back and wonder how you ever got into a relationship with such a person.

You will feel angry at yourself for a number of reasons; for not realizing what was happening earlier, for the time wasted, for giving yourself over to such a cruel person, for allowing your partner to convince you that your friends and family are no good.

The more you evaluate what happened to you, the angrier you will become.

Depression

Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional abuse; in most cases, your partner will not lay hands on you.

But the lingering effects of this type of abuse can lead to severe depression. Life will feel heavy; some days, you will want to sleep to get rid of the pain; other days, sleep will fail you.

Some days, you will not be able to eat; other days, you will eat yourself until you cannot leave the house.

You will feel disconnected from the world; but most of the time, you will not feel anything, you will just feel numb.

When darkness prevails, it is impossible to see any light, and it becomes easy to believe that this is the existence you will live forever.

Depression comes in cycles, the moment you think you are getting better, it will sneak up on you and take you back to your worst days.

Recovery

Recovery is a decision that only you can make, after going through the stages of healing after narcissistic abuse. You will reach a point where you just want to get better, you will want to leave it all behind and start living again.

There is no timeline for when you will get here, as everyone is different.

But at this point, you will either seek professional help or begin educating yourself on how to get better and implement recommendations.

How Do You Feel After Narcissistic Abuse?

You will experience a range of unpleasant feelings and emotions; unfortunately, they are part of the stages of healing after narcissistic abuse. Some of them include:

Confusion

During the love bombing stage, you were made to feel so special; no one in the world could make you feel that way.

You were the apple of his eye, his unfailing love. One day, you were going to get married and have a house full of kids.

Quickly move into the devaluation phase, and your partner flatly denies ever mentioning marriage with you.

Related : How To Stop Being a Narcissist?

He starts making fun of your weight, and may say something like, “I know I didn’t say that because I’m not going to walk down the aisle with a fat bride.”

Then he goes back to the love bombing phase and starts talking about marriage again.

You were confused when you were in the relationship and you were still confused when you left because you never knew how the narcissist really felt about you.

loneliness

Whether you were in the relationship for a month or two years, your partner was the love of your life.

You spent every moment of your life together and now he’s gone. It’s normal to feel lonely after a relationship breaks down.

However, this loneliness is heightened by the extreme ups and downs your narcissistic partner has been through.

PTSD

The abuse you experienced was a form of psychological abuse and it left you traumatized.

Trauma is any experience that threatens your sense of safety or security. Being in a relationship with someone with a personality disorder is extremely stressful.

You never know where you stand with a narcissist. Your emotions are unstable, and you are on high alert at all times.

This can lead to PTSD, and symptoms include:

• Having flashbacks or nightmares
• Unable to control your emotions
• Delusions/suicidal thoughts
• Destructive coping strategies such as prescription medication, drug or alcohol abuse, eating disorders and self-harm
• Physical ailments due to trauma such as irritable bowel syndrome, tingling in the extremities, dizziness, chest pain, abdominal pain and headaches
• Extreme fatigue and exhaustion
• Feeling numb/detached/detached from reality
• Feelings of shame/guilt
• Thinking the worst about every situation

Not everyone who has experienced an abusive narcissistic relationship develops PTSD.

However, PTSD is a serious condition and if you are experiencing any of these issues, it is imperative that you seek professional help immediately.

How to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse?

There are many strategies you can implement to overcome the abuse.

However, in some cases, the trauma may be so severe that you will need a therapist. Here are some tips to get you started:

Grief

Allow yourself to feel your feelings no matter how painful they are.

Acceptance speeds up the healing process; you release the emotional energy stored in your system when you grieve.

Talk to a trusted friend or family member about your feelings and allow yourself to remember the good and bad times in the relationship.

You can also express yourself in a letter, get all your feelings out on paper, and say your final goodbyes to your partner.

Confront Your Negative Beliefs

Abuse will make you feel extremely insecure. Narcissists are experts at making their victims feel unworthy. You’ve spent months hearing that you’re fat, ugly, stupid, etc.

When you hear something so often, you start to believe it; therefore, you accept that you were dumped because you’re so disgusting that you pushed your partner away.

Related : How to Respond to a Narcissist’s Apology?

None of the negative things your partner has said about you are true. To counteract them, replace those hurtful words with positive affirmations.

When you hear your inner voice talking to you this way, tell yourself, “You are worthy of love,” “You are attractive,” “You are smart,” “You will achieve your dreams.”

ChangeYourPerspective:

No one wants to endure pain, but if you change your perspective on it, you’ll find a powerful lesson in the midst of your grief.

To start, you now know what a narcissist looks like, which means you can’t just guarantee that you’ll never get into another relationship with them again.

You can also help your friends and family spot the red flags, too.

Many people who overcome difficult situations use their pain to fuel their purpose in life.

They become so passionate about helping others overcome abuse that they become motivational speakers, authors, and therapists.

How to Move On After Narcissistic Abuse?

Moving on isn’t easy, but it is possible. It will take a lot of mental energy to heal the wounds you’ve endured;

But if you’re determined, you can live a fulfilling life again. Here are some tips to get started:

Stay Single

The worst thing you can do after getting out of an abusive relationship is to get into another one.

You need time to heal, process what you’ve been through, and learn to love yourself again.

Going from one relationship to another is a coping mechanism, a way to mask the pain.

Since you’re still vulnerable, you’re at risk of getting into another abusive relationship.

Staying single is an essential part of the healing process.

Be Kind to Yourself:

Get rid of anything associated with your ex, gifts, photos, text messages, cards.

Get rid of them, burn them, or shred them. You don’t want any reminders of them, good or bad. Go shopping, change your look, or go on vacation.

Whatever you do to pamper yourself, do it. You deserve it after all the hell you’ve been through.

Learn to listen to yourself

You’ll hear a lot of voices after a breakup. Friends, family, and colleagues will think they have the perfect solution to help you get over the relationship.

If you don’t feel comfortable with advice, don’t take it. Do what feels right for you.

Final Thoughts

Life will look very different now that you’re no longer in an abusive relationship, but you have to go through the healing process.

Healing is hard, and there will be times when the pain feels worse than it did when the injury happened.

But you have to decide to let go of the victim mentality and see yourself as a victor instead.