“I never said that! What are you talking about?”

“You’re imagining things!”

“You keep forgetting things. I’m worried about you.”

These are examples of gaslighting. It’s a manipulation technique where the gaslighter tries to make the victim question their own senses, perceptions, and memory.

Gaslighting is not unknown to narcissists and they use it to keep you under their influence.

What is gaslighting in narcissism? How does a narcissist use gaslighting to control and manipulate you?

What is gaslighting?

The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 play Gaslighting, most famously adapted for the 1944 Oscar-winning film Ingrid Bergman.

In the play, Gregory (the gaslighter) searches for jewels in the attic. But when he turns on the gaslights there, it causes the other lights in the house to dim.

His wife Paula (the victim) asks him about this, and to cover his tracks, he simply tells her that the lights aren’t dimmed. They’ve never been dimmed. She must be imagining it.

To cover up his actions, he really needs to make her think she’s losing her senses. So he starts playing tricks, like hiding or moving things, and pretending that Paula took them.

Related : How Do Adult Children of Narcissists Develop in Life?

He even convinces Paula that her mother is psychotic and has been committed to a mental institution.

Eventually, Paula buys the trick and begins to truly believe that she is losing her mind. Gregory then takes complete control of her and can continue his criminal activities.

The trick makes victims feel like the ground is shifting beneath their feet, like they have no anchor in the real world to know what is true or not.

It puts the victim under the influence of the trick, leaving them at his mercy.

Since people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder have a tendency to lie, and a strong need to control others, it is perhaps not surprising that the trick is a favorite tactic of narcissists.

In this article, we will discuss what the trick is in narcissism, why narcissists use it, and how you can combat it.

2 Examples of the trick

We are not talking about simple lies here.

Example 1

Let’s say that your narcissistic husband is cheating on another woman, and that other woman has black hair. You are blonde, and one day you find a long black hair on the couch. None of your friends have black hair, so you ask your husband about it.

“Oh, that would be Jeff. You know, Jeff. The vibrator. He came over to you the other day when you were working late.”

That’s not manipulation. It’s just a plain old lie. Now take this example.

“Oh, that would be Jeff. You know, the vibrator. I told you he came over to you the other day. Don’t you remember? We had a whole conversation about it! Are you okay? I’ve noticed you’ve been forgetting things a lot lately. Are you stressed out from work or something?”

That, ladies and gentlemen, is narcissistic manipulation. Notice how subtle it is? Who hasn’t forgotten a conversation at some point? It could have easily happened that way.

But the narcissist makes your supposed forgetfulness a “thing.” If you accept this, he’s started to drive a wedge into your sense of self-confidence.

Now he can use the same tactic again in the future, using this incident as proof that he’s right.

Example 2

But not all emotional manipulation is this subtle. Here’s another, more extreme example of how the conversation goes. So again, you find the hair…

“Oh that?” You grab the hair from you. “What are you talking about? That’s nothing, forget it.”

You let it go, but it haunts your mind, so you bring it up again a few days later.

“That hair is from a few days ago? What do you mean ‘long’? It was three, three inches long, tops! Seriously, I remember you holding up that short hair and saying it was long. I thought you were joking! Did you really think that hair was long? Are you feeling okay? I’ve noticed you’ve been forgetting a lot lately…”

This is more extreme emotional manipulation. You saw something with your own eyes, crystal clear. But the narcissist is completely denying it.

Emotional Manipulation and Lies

You might think this wouldn’t work, that you wouldn’t question something you’ve already seen.

But it can. Especially when the person using emotional manipulation is a powerful, controlling figure in your life (which narcissists often do), and has already lied to you and manipulated you in other ways (which narcissists often do).

However, emotional manipulation in narcissism can be more subtle than this. These examples are interactive—the person using emotional manipulation uses this technique to get themselves out of a tight spot.

But it can also be proactive – to make you question your reality even when they don’t have a difficult situation to get out of. The logic here is simple – take control now, in case you need that control in the future.

The movie Gaslight has several classic examples of this. In one scene, Gregory moves a painting off the wall, and confronts Paula to ask why she moved it.

She says, correctly, that she didn’t do it. But Gregory is able to convince her that she did, leaving her sad and confused.

As a general rule, emotional manipulation is:

When someone tries to convince you that something happened, but it didn’t (“You keep leaving the door open!”)

When someone tries to convince you that something didn’t happen, but it did (“I never called you a ‘worthless idiot’! Why do you always lie like that?”)

Is emotional manipulation a form of narcissism?

Emotional manipulation is not unique to narcissists. It is not a feature of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, in the same way that things like narcissistic injuries or narcissistic rage are.

However, because it is an effective (if insidious) method of manipulation, it is often seen in people who possess the so-called “dark triad” of personality traits—psychopathy, Machiavellianism, and narcissism.

For this reason, emotional manipulation is a common tactic in cults—it is used to break the victim’s sense of reality so that the cult leader can gain more control over the group.

Of course, with some exceptions, cult leaders typically exhibit one or more of the dark triad traits.

So, if psychological manipulation is used consistently and intentionally, it will be a huge red flag that the individual possesses one of these traits. This is especially true if the goal of psychological manipulation is to control others.

However, this does not mean that only people with such traits use psychological manipulation. People who do not suffer from these conditions may also use psychological manipulation for a variety of reasons.

They may have something to hide (perhaps they were caught in a lie and see no other way out), or they are trying to change something about you. However, this is still a form of emotional abuse, regardless of who is using it or why.

What is Narcissistic Psychological Manipulation?

So, while psychological manipulation is not a form of narcissism, there is something unique about narcissism and psychological manipulation.

Due to the nature of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, narcissists often find themselves in situations where psychological manipulation is beneficial to them – and they often have no qualms about using it.

Narcissism and Emotional Manipulation

Let’s review the basic characteristics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and then we can see how emotional manipulation fits into this:

Narcissists believe they are “everything.” They have an inflated sense of self-importance and have little time or interest in things that do not benefit them in any way.

However, narcissists are actually fragile. They have deep-seated fears that they are actually worthless, and the grandiose exterior is a way to cover this up.

Related : How To Make a Narcissist Miserable?

Because of this low sense of self-esteem, narcissists have to work hard to get attention and praise from others. They cannot “create” their self-esteem – they have to get it from others (narcissistic supply).

If they don’t get enough praise and attention, their insecure, underground self can become more apparent. For the narcissist, this is extremely painful (narcissistic injury) and should not happen. They need to be superior to others. They need to avoid facing their true self that lies within.

Since many narcissists also lack empathy, they have fewer restrictions on the types of things they can do to get that sense of superiority, that narcissistic supply. This includes lying and abusive behavior.

Given this psychological framework, we can begin to understand why emotional manipulation is so common among narcissists. Here are some possibilities:

Emotional Manipulation to Cover Up Lies

What would a narcissist do if you caught them lying? They would be unlikely to admit it and apologize (perfect people don’t make mistakes).

So what’s the move here?

Well, they have several options. They can cover up the lie with another lie. They can distract from the issue with anger and abuse.

Or they may simply deny that they lied in the first place. If they can convince you of this and do it consistently, they will be much more free to lie, because they have an easy way to get away with it. This gives them a more reliable source of narcissistic supply.

ManipulatingYourself to Gain Control

Looking at the framework above, you can imagine how important control is to a narcissist.

You can’t let the people in your life roam free, doing and saying whatever they want.

If you let them, they may not give you enough support. Or worse, they may say something that will lead to narcissistic injury.

Emotional manipulation is one of the many techniques a narcissist can use to gain control.

If you rely on a narcissist for something as basic as knowing what’s right and what’s wrong, they can do whatever they want.

If they want to feel better by belittling you, they can. If you later object, they can simply deny that they said it.

Furthermore, the fact that they’re in control is a source of supply in itself, because they’re in a powerful, dominant position in the relationship, and you’re not.

Emotional manipulation to cover up emotional abuse

Narcissists are often abusive. In rare cases, the abuse is an end in itself.

This occurs mainly in people with “malignant narcissism,” a kind of crossover between narcissism and psychopathy.

These people derive pleasure from the suffering of others, so psychological manipulation, for them, may simply be a fun game.

But as I said, this is rare. Most often, narcissists are abusive as a result of a narcissistic injury, which leads to an outburst of anger commonly known as narcissistic rage.

In these cases, narcissists may use psychological manipulation to cover up the (emotional) abuse, to make you believe it didn’t happen, or to exaggerate the extent or circumstances of the abuse.

In fact, one 2003 study found a strong association between psychological manipulation and a range of other forms of abuse.

Emotional manipulation rarely happens on its own, and for many people, denying the abuse can be as bad or worse than the abuse itself.

How to Tell if Someone Is Emotionally Manipulating You

Emotional manipulation can happen in any relationship—it can happen through a romantic partner, a friend, a coworker or boss, a family member, or any situation where you interact with an individual on a regular basis.

Because of the nature of emotional manipulation, you may not even realize that something is happening to you.

It can be worse than that, because you may actually see your abuser as the person who can help you.

If you truly believe that you are losing your senses, but there is someone you trust who is there to help you figure out what is and isn’t true, it’s natural to see them as your guiding light during a difficult time.

But what you may not realize is that they are the ones causing your confusion in the first place.

Here are some warning signs to look out for that may mean someone is deceiving you:

They tell you that something is true, but it contradicts something you saw, heard, or experienced firsthand. For example, they deny that they said something that you remember.

They tell you something that happened that you don’t remember or that there is no evidence for. For example, they claim that you said something that you don’t remember.

If you question their version of the truth, they react negatively.

They keep bringing it up and trying to bully you until you accept that they are right

Their narrative of events always puts them in an innocent or positive position, with you being the one to blame.

They mix praise with abuse – when you accept that they are right, they shower you with affection and kind words (this is to reinforce the behavior). When you don’t, they turn into the bad guy.

They accuse you of doing things that they actually did (or that you suspect they did). For example, if you catch a romantic partner cheating on you, they claim that you are the one cheating.

They turn people against you. They use triangulation, bringing a third person into your relationship (literally or figuratively) “Your sister knows I would never say something like that to you. She would never accuse me of it.”

In addition to looking at the behavior of the person who is cheating on you, look at yourself as well. If you are being psychologically manipulated, you may…

Feel different, like you are not the same person you were before

Find yourself questioning your memory

Feel like you are always doing things wrong, and that you are always to blame for something

Make excuses for objectively abusive behavior (whether it is emotional, physical, or sexual abuse).

Become isolated from people you trust, such as close friends and family members. The psychologically manipulated person may have played a role in your withdrawal or encouraged you to do so

Constantly doubt yourself and have difficulty making decisions

Experience emotional distress, such as feelings of hopelessness, depression, and anxiety

How to Respond to Psychological Manipulation by a Narcissist?

Now that you know what psychological manipulation is, and how to know if someone is manipulating you, the next question is, how do you deal with a psychologically manipulated person?

Ariel Lev, author and Guardian columnist, offers some powerful suggestions for how to deal with emotional manipulation, which she summarizes in her TED talk.

These suggestions are based on Lev’s experiences with her own mother, who she says was emotionally abusive, and who engaged in emotional manipulation repeatedly—often to deny that the abuse ever happened.

Here’s what Lev recommends:

Stay defiant

Emotional manipulators often use bullying and intimidation to try to impose their version of reality on you, through sheer force of personality.

Remember a time when you were emotionally manipulated. You’ll remember that there was a time when you knew the truth.

And then there was a time after that when you weren’t sure. However, there was a third time—a transition between those two states.

It started with a moment, a tiny second of doubt where you began to entertain their version of the truth.

For most normal, rational people, this is a healthy response when someone disagrees with us.

To get along with others, we use our empathy, and see things from their perspective. Only then can we decide whether we truly agree or not.

But with manipulation, there is no need to see their point of view. This is not a debate.

There will be no presentation of evidence, no arguments for or against. Remain defiant—what you know to be true, is true.

Don’tSeekAccountability

Narcissists are extremely unlikely to admit to their actions, or have a moment of revelation when you confront them about them. You won’t hear

“You’re right.” or “I’m sorry.”

When Liv first used the term “child abuse” with her mother, the typical response was “What about mother abuse? No one ever talks about that!”

Confrontation can lead to more abuse, and give them more ammunition to use against you. The time and energy you spend seeking accountability would be better spent elsewhere.

Let go of the need for things to be different

If you want things to be different in your relationship with a narcissist, you’re playing into the manipulator’s hands.

Making the kind of change you want requires them to see that they’re abusing you, accept it, and then change.

This is likely a false hope when dealing with narcissists, because it means confronting a massive narcissistic injury. Hoping that things will be different will only keep you in the relationship longer than you need to.

If you’re being manipulated, you’re being abused—this isn’t a situation you should try to change, it’s a situation you should try to get away from. Detach, put yourself first.

Develop healthy coping strategies

In her talk, Liv discusses an unhealthy coping strategy she developed to deal with her mother’s abuse—detachment.

The constant push and pull, “I love you” one moment, “I hate you” the next, was the reason she broke up, and left her somewhat “numb.”

This may have helped her deal with the pain in the moment, but it caused problems later on — she had trouble trusting or connecting with people in her adult life, for example.

Be wary of coping measures that help you feel better in the moment but make things worse later in life: alcohol or drug abuse, self-harm, smoking, denial, overeating, and social isolation.

Instead, focus on healthy coping techniques: meditation, breathing techniques, exercise, social interaction (with people you trust), and therapy.

KeepAJ

Liv also says that writing things down has been very helpful for her. She calls it “testifying.”

You can think of your journal as a witness in a court case, someone who saw what happened and can remind you.

This can make it easier to distinguish between the false reality of the gas and the real reality.

It can also be helpful to talk about your feelings and emotions in your journal.

This is called “expressive writing,” and it’s a common technique used in therapy for people who have experienced traumatic events.

So your journal serves two purposes—it helps you keep track of reality, and it’s also a healthy way to cope.

Have you had any experience with psychological manipulation at the hands of narcissists? Are you a victim of psychological manipulation? If so, let me know in the comments below!