“It wasn’t until I went through the cycles of horrific abuse and exploitation so many times that I realized I was the cause.”

These are the words of an anonymous recovering narcissist who published an open letter to the compassionate people of Elephant Journal. As they confess…

“I was the narcissist. I didn’t know I was the narcissist—I was just really unhappy with my life, and I was looking for that one right thing that would fill the void.”

Related : Why Do Narcissists Come Back to Old Relationships?

This highlights something that doesn’t get talked about much in narcissism blogs. While some narcissists can make life hell for the people around them, this behavior often comes from a place of suffering.

Now, to be clear, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t feel sorry for people who engage in narcissistic abuse—we shouldn’t make any excuses for it.

The point I’m making is directed at the narcissist themselves—understanding your narcissism and working to manage it is not only good for those around you—it’s good for you, too.

Are you a self-aware narcissist, ready to make a change? If so, then reading this article, and the fact that you’re here, is a good sign.

But you have a long road ahead of you. In this article, I want to show you what’s waiting for you, and hopefully give you some tools that will help you succeed.

But before we get into how to stop being a narcissist, it might be helpful to talk a little bit about what causes narcissism in the first place.

What makes someone become a narcissist?

Unfortunately, researchers haven’t pinpointed the causes of Narcissistic Personality Disorder as clearly as they have with other conditions.

However, there are a few things we do know – firstly, there’s no single cause of narcissism (it arises when a number of other factors are at play), and secondly, it starts early in life.

Let’s now look at the two causes that, at this point, we’re pretty sure play a role in the development of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Genetics

A number of studies have shown that there is a genetic aspect to narcissism – it runs in families.

Now, this doesn’t mean there is a “narcissism gene.” More likely, it means that there is a set of genes that, when they end up in the same person, put that person at higher risk for developing NPD.

It’s important to note that “genes” does not mean “fixed.” It seems that genetic factors must be present, however, and not everyone who has these genes will develop NPD.

It seems that certain childhood experiences “turn on” these genes. Think of these genes like the trigger of a gun—the gun is harmless unless someone pulls it.

You can learn more about narcissism and genes in my main post on the subject: Is Narcissism Genetic?

ParentInfluence

If genes are the trigger for NPD, then certain difficult childhood experiences seem to be the trigger that pulls it.

Related : How to Deal With the Narcissist Smear Campaign?

In 2015, a study tracked 565 children over two years. During that time, they assessed the children for narcissistic traits—but they also assessed the parents, to see their parenting style.

They came up with two key findings.

First, an increase in narcissism was linked to parental overvaluation. When parents overvalue, they pin every perfection they can think of on a child, even when there’s no reason, logic, or reason to do so.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with encouraging or praising children—it can help build confidence and security.

However, you can have too much of a good thing. With overvaluation, kids start to need and expect that praise.

They don’t learn that praise and acclaim in life come from their actions—from doing something moral, from working hard, from helping others.

They simply expect it—and when it doesn’t come, they have to get it in other ways.

The second key finding has to do with parental warmth. A secure, emotional relationship between parent and child is key to developing self-esteem.

However, this parental warmth is often lacking in narcissistic children as children. They are overvalued, but not loved enough.

So when a parent is cold and indifferent—but at the same time, overvalues ​​their child—well, you can see how narcissistic personality disorder can develop.

The child ends up with low self-esteem and a strong need for praise. Sound familiar?