The narcissist doesn’t seem to get the hint that I don’t want anything to do with them! They’ve gotten to everyone – my friends, my family, even my boss! All the lies – they’ve claimed I’ve abused them, stolen their money, ruined their lives. It’s all a lie, but they don’t see it that way. What can I do?

Does this inner dialogue sound familiar? Does the narcissist in your life seem to not only twist your words – but also lie and smear you as a person?

They may be acting one way in front of you, but you’re convinced they’re doing something else behind your back.

You may have noticed that your loved ones have started acting differently toward you – even though you can’t quite pinpoint why.

But when you try to point out the changes, the narcissist insists that everything is fine – you’re just imagining things!

If you’re feeling these feelings, they’re not random. The narcissist may be smearing you.

Narcissist smear campaigns can often feel frustrating and exhausting for the victim. It may seem like things will never get better, as you will always be caught in their manipulative tactics.

Related : How to Deal With Your Narcissistic Sibling?

Let’s find out what you need to know and how to deal with a narcissist smear campaign.

What is a narcissist smear campaign?

By definition, smear campaigns refer to carefully designed plans to humiliate and discredit you.

For a narcissist, the purpose of a narcissist’s smear campaign is to bring you down while simultaneously boosting their ego.

It’s worth noting that not every narcissist engages in a smear campaign.

Some choose to jump straight into the silent treatment. However, if you’ve recently ended a relationship with a narcissist, you should be aware of the possibility of smearing.

Defamation comes in many different flavors, and can vary in severity. In mild forms, it can be passive-aggressive comments about you behind your back.

Defamation can include serious rumors, threats, and, in extreme circumstances, lawsuits.

Defamation campaigns typically include the following elements:

Truth

You left them! You broke their heart! You don’t love them! To some extent, these statements may be true.

A narcissist will often inflate one piece of the truth to create a complete narrative about your wrongdoings.

Complete attack on your character

Narcissists will go on and on about every wrong you’ve ever done.

Some of these stories may be true, but most are embellished and falsified to fit their vision of what is true.

Most narcissists don’t believe they are lying on the surface. Instead, their beliefs seem so logical to them that they don’t realize they are complete lies.

Trying to Empathize

Narcissists want others to believe they are the victim in the dynamic.

They want people to think that you caused the problem and hurt them instead of the other way around.

They gain sympathy by spreading lies and rumors about you while portraying themselves as martyrs.

persistence

Narcissists can hold grudges for life. There are no expiration dates on their feelings of anger or injustice.

Once they believe you are the enemy, they will remain so in their minds.

Why would a narcissist go on a smear campaign?

Make no mistake about it—smearing is meant to hurt you. The narcissist feels weak or rejected, so they engage in this smear campaign to regain a sense of power.

If you end the relationship, you have made them look bad. As a result, they will try to punish you for this decision.

Sometimes, narcissists will also begin to realize that you have “outed them.”

When this happens, they will try to smear your name so that others will not believe you if you decide to come forward.

Shaming helps narcissists feel supported – when they can gain empathy and trust from others, they gain more control and become the hero again.

In its simplest form, these efforts offer damage control.

Narcissists can’t take responsibility for making mistakes. They believe they are superior to others, and they feel good about their smear campaign.

For them, it’s simply a matter of “sharing useful information” with people who may need it. In their minds, they are doing the world a favor by protecting them from you.

What are some common smear campaign examples?

When dealing with a narcissist, it’s important to remember that they often use various manipulative tactics to get their needs met.

Sometimes, you may not even realize that such tactics are cruel. This doesn’t mean you’re ignorant or unintelligent.

Related : How Do Empaths Protect Themselves From Narcissists?

This simply means that the narcissist knows your vulnerabilities and has learned to exploit them. Likewise, if you’re no longer together, you may not be aware of the smearing.

WithFamily

Narcissists realize that family members can be the most difficult people to manipulate.

After all, they can be protective, supportive, and unconditionally loving. So, the smearing tends to be more insidious.

First, the narcissist often smears the family in front of their partner first—and this can happen years before the relationship ends. Comments may be along the lines of:

“Your family doesn’t want to see you happy.”

“Your family is so dysfunctional! Can’t you see?”

“Your family never wanted you to be independent.”

Narcissists use these phrases to challenge how you perceive your family.

These mental gymnastics are an attempt to increase tension. They want you to feel less trusting and empathetic toward your loved ones—and this distancing allows you to rely on them more.

Once they start smearing you, they often run to your family first. They may make comments like:

“I’ve always loved you. I don’t know why he never wanted to visit us!”

“This breaks my heart, but I can’t go on like this. She’s become so abusive towards me, and I don’t see it getting any better.”

“I hope you know that I’ve tried to make things better, but it seems like he’s made up his mind. He doesn’t want to give us a chance. My heart goes out to the kids.”

WithFriends

Narcissists will often try to test your friends’ loyalty by making cruel comments about you. They may start off subtle with comments like,

“I’m worried about her drinking. It’s getting worse and worse,” or “It’s been so hard to trust her – she was always flirting with that coworker. It’s been so hard for me.”

They may also double down with serious lies like,

“I swear I shouldn’t tell you this, but he sometimes hits the kids when he gets really upset. I was always worried he was going to try to attack me, too!”

These comments are meant to shock and empathize. The narcissist’s overarching goal is to turn your friends against you.

WithYourWork

Your job can be incredibly threatening to a narcissist. Your job provides a sense of freedom and independence—the narcissist can’t necessarily influence you, your boss, or your coworkers—until they do.

Narcissists often make subtle comments to question your work. These comments may include:

“Wow, I can’t believe they asked you to do that. That seems like a lot to put on your plate.”

“Your boss is so unreasonable. That’s totally unfair.”

“You deserve better treatment. I hope you find a job that respects your amazing skills!”

These manipulative comments often make you question your reality.

Even if some of the statements contain an element of truth, the narcissist will often exaggerate the context. As a result, they can leave you feeling stressed and distrustful of your employer.

Sometimes, the narcissist may also subconsciously sabotage your work performance. They may do this by:

Keeping you up late at night so you feel tired before an important meeting.

Booking so many spontaneous vacations that you need to take time off (even if you don’t have any accumulated vacation time).

Fake regular sick days and convince you to stay home to care for them.

Buying expensive things to “prove” how much money you have (to convince yourself that you don’t need to work).InCourt

Many narcissists try to discredit their victims by abusing the court system. They may threaten to file lawsuits to intimidate or frighten you.

If you’re going through a divorce, they may overwhelm you with excessive paperwork, change agreements on the fly, add new demands, and try to manipulate lawyers and judges.

Narcissists often highlight any weaknesses you have to push people away from you.

For example, if you have a mental health condition or medical issue, they will exaggerate your symptoms to prove how unstable, unhealthy, or unfit you are.

WithFuturePartners

Sometimes, narcissists engage in smear campaign tactics for years after a relationship ends.

If they learn that you have a new partner, they may continue to gossip and slander.

Sometimes, they may reach out directly to the person with comments like:

“Hey man, I know this is weird, but I wouldn’t be able to sleep well at night if I didn’t tell you that she’s my __.”

“I just wanted to let you know that he cheated on me. It broke my heart. I hope things get better for you, but I wanted to tell you.”

“Do you know what you’re struggling with _? I hope you’ve worked through it, but it’s ruined our marriage.”

How to Respond to Smear Campaigns

How to Fight Back Against a Narcissistic Smear Campaign? First, you need to realize that you can’t win this campaign. If anything, narcissists are looking to disprove you.

This gives them ammunition—and attention, which they can use to continue building their case against you.

When you respond, you’re still playing their game and playing by their rules. The system remains rigged against you.

As with most narcissistic dynamics, the best response is not to respond. While this is easier said than done, doing nothing tends to be the most effective strategy.

In other words, don’t engage. Don’t resist. Don’t try to convince the narcissist that they’re wrong or that they’re hurting you.

DealingWithOthers

Sometimes, your loved ones will side with the narcissist. This, of course, can be incredibly hurtful.

You may feel an overwhelming urge to share your side of the story. You may also want to engage in a smear campaign against the narcissist.

Related : How To Go Low Contact With Your Narcissistic Mother?

Unfortunately, these tactics don’t usually work. People often see what they want to see—if the narcissist convinces them of the truth, they usually believe it.

Plus, you already know that narcissists can be incredibly charming and persuasive.

They know how to grab the audience’s attention by faking emotions and creating a powerful story.

If people ask for your opinion, it’s best to remain neutral, objective, and balanced.

Remember that these people may rush to the narcissist with anything you tell them—and the narcissist may use that information to continue hurting you.

You can try the following statements:

“My story is different from theirs, and I’ll leave it at that.”

“I appreciate your concern, but I’m not at liberty to discuss this right now.”

“I don’t feel the need to defend myself right now.”

Save Any Evidence

If you have any evidence of documented lies, be sure to save copies. Documentation may include text messages, social media posts, voicemails, etc.

This evidence may help you if you need legal representation against the narcissist.

Final Thoughts: How to Recover from a Smear Campaign

Being the victim of a smear campaign can be painful, scary, and confusing.

You may experience intense feelings of anger, sadness, and even some denial about their upsetting behavior.

Allow yourself to feel your feelings. Consider seeking professional support if you need help processing them.

Therapy provides a safe, nonjudgmental space for you to discuss your relationship and learn appropriate coping skills to heal from the pain.

Healing is possible, although it may take time. Remember to hold on to your truth—you know who you are.

A narcissist may do his best to convince you otherwise.

But the more you choose to respect your own worth, the less power he will have over you.