What are the effects of a narcissistic mother on her daughter? When you picture a mother-daughter relationship, what do you see?

The warm, caring mother who can make every problem seem to disappear? The daughter who turns to her mother with every secret? The loving, respectful bond that blossoms into a beautiful friendship?

For daughters of narcissistic mothers, the relationship doesn’t resemble anything like traditional love. Instead, it often feels like a constant losing battle.

These daughters often spend their childhoods feeling confused, lonely, and afraid. As they grow older, their feelings may become more intense.

What Are the Signs of a Narcissistic Mother?

Narcissists have an inflated sense of ego and prioritize their own needs and desires above anyone else’s. They constantly see themselves as important, superior, and entitled to get what they want.

Related : How Do Adult Children of Narcissists Develop in Life?

As a result, they often don’t brush off feelings, and can become irritable and even hostile when things don’t go their way. Let’s review some other signs of narcissistic mothers.

LivingThroughYou

Instead of treating their children as independent individuals, narcissists see them as extensions of themselves.

Therefore, you are more likely to be punished than celebrated if you have unique ideas or needs.

Narcissistic mothers may live through you by imposing certain ideals or expectations on you.

For example, they may make you dance if they love dancing. They may dress you in feminine clothing even if you identify as more boyish.

Superficial Praise

Because narcissists want to be admired, they often like to brag about their children’s qualities.

While they may criticize you at home, they tend to enjoy others approving of your skills, appearance, or accomplishments.

Many narcissists take to social media to brag about their children. However, this approach isn’t about praising you—it’s about showing off their excellent job raising you!

Lack of Empathy

Why are you so sad? There’s nothing to be upset about right now!

You shouldn’t be upset about it.

I don’t see what the big deal is. You’ll get over it.

Narcissists don’t pay attention to the thoughts or feelings of others. Instead, they reflect only themselves.

They often view others as objects, accessories, or competitors—not as whole people with different needs and emotions.

As a result, they can’t validate your experiences. Instead, they often shame you for thinking or feeling differently than they do.

Overdependence

You can’t move there. It’s too far!

I can’t live without you. I need you.

I sacrificed so much for you when you were a child. The least you can do is give me a little money now.

Many narcissists want their children to take care of them emotionally, financially, or physically for the rest of their lives.

As a result, they may try to manipulate you into making unrealistic sacrifices to meet their needs.

Neglect

Some narcissistic mothers are so self-absorbed in their own lives that they don’t have the emotional capacity to parent authentically.

Instead of taking care of you, they may devote most of their time to their jobs, friends, hobbies, or intimate relationships.

Smearing Your Name

Narcissistic parents sometimes launch smear campaigns when their children fail to meet their expectations.

Smear campaigns are deliberate plans to humiliate you in an attempt to damage your reputation. If your mother smears you, she might:

Try to convince other family members that you are the problem.

Test the loyalty of your partner or friends by making hurtful comments about you.

Try to sabotage your school or work.

ContinuousManipulation

You know I was just being sarcastic! I don’t know why you have to be so sensitive.

I never said that! You are imagining things.

I think you are overthinking things.

Narcissists often manipulate their victims to maintain power and control over them. Manipulation can be difficult to spot, leaving you questioning your own authenticity.

Do Narcissistic Mothers Hate Their Daughters?

Hate is an elusive and misleading term, and narcissists do not typically hate their children. Instead, they often view them as objects to be controlled or rivals to be overcome.

Unfortunately, narcissistic love is conditional, meaning it comes with strings attached.

When you act positively, they tend to internalize your positive behavior as an appreciation for their successful parenting. They enjoy your success and often take responsibility for it.

The opposite effect is also true. When you disrespect or embarrass them, there are dire consequences. They may become angry, possessive, or downright dismissive.

What are some common traits of daughters of narcissistic mothers?

Each child internalizes their childhood experiences differently. However, there are several traits that daughters may acquire because of their relationship with their mothers.

NoBoundaries

Daughters of narcissistic parents are not allowed to set personal boundaries. Their parents dictate everything, and the rules often change without warning.

As a result, they struggle to set or enforce boundaries in their adult lives.

First, they may not even realize the benefits of having boundaries. They may be so used to meeting the needs of others that they don’t understand the importance of respecting their own needs.

Furthermore, a lack of boundaries also tends to stem from an inherent desire to please others by pleasing others.

Daughters spend a lot of time trying to please their narcissistic mothers. It’s often easier to “give in” than to try to compromise or stand up for themselves.

LowSelfEsteem

Healthy parents believe their children and love them unconditionally. Healthy parents also know that mistakes are part of childhood. Even if their child misbehaves, they discipline the behavior without shaming them.

Narcissistic parents rarely believe their children. Instead, they try to control, change, or suppress behavior that doesn’t fit their belief system.

Rather than exploring their own identity, their children grow up trying to meet their parents’ wishes.

Hesitation

Daughters of narcissistic mothers don’t have a say in anything as children. They’re used to having someone else make all the executive decisions for them.

As an adult, you may struggle to even know what you want. You may have been criticized for having your own opinion or needs, so you’ve learned to automatically ignore your own needs.

Related : How To Make a Narcissist Miserable?

When you need to make a choice, you may require excessive approval from others before you can follow through.

Cautiousness or Paranoia

Children in narcissistic homes are often gifted at interpreting body language and other nonverbal communication.

After all, they had to grow up trying to understand their mother’s behavior and adapt to her needs—not the other way around.

As an adult, you may be overly prepared to anticipate danger. This can affect your personal relationships. Trusting others is often difficult because you fear being manipulated or hurt.

Narcissism

Some children of narcissists become narcissists themselves. Narcissistic mothers tend to be overly preoccupied with external accomplishments and status.

They lack empathy and can’t adapt to their children’s inherent needs. While many daughters suffer from low self-esteem due to their upbringing, others move in the opposite direction.

Their narcissism almost acts as an act of rebellion—after a whole childhood spent submissive to their mothers, they become narcissists as a way to secretly compete with them.

Why Do They Have Problems With Male Relationships?

As mentioned, many daughters struggle with issues related to low self-esteem, boundaries, and trust issues. Any of these variables can impact dating and intimacy.

Some daughters unconsciously seek out partners who are like their mothers.

They may find a partner who acts domineering and critical. While they may resent this person, he or she seems familiar and allows them to safely recreate what they know.

Other daughters take the opposite approach. They may unconsciously seek out partners who are submissive and weaker.

As a result, they tend to adopt a more narcissistic stance. This dynamic often responds to a daughter’s need for power and control. If you’ve spent your entire life feeling oppressed, it makes sense that you want to change the dynamic.

A narcissistic mother often has a front-seat ticket to her daughter’s adult life.

She may interfere in the relationship, try to turn both partners against each other, and seek endless attention. If you have children together, she often tries to control how you raise your child.

Finally, some women keep their guard up and avoid dating altogether. They may be so traumatized by their childhood relationships that they never want to trust anyone else again.

Why are narcissistic mothers so jealous of their daughters?

Narcissists thrive on power and control. They view anything that could compromise their power and control as an inherent threat. So, when people give you attention, your mother might react by:

Directly belittling you.

Making sarcastic comments about how lucky you are.

Claiming your successes or accomplishments as her own.
Trying to get even and repeating everything you do.
Validate your words in public and criticize you later.

Your mother can be jealous of anything—your appearance, your job, your accomplishments, or your relationships (especially if you have a good relationship with your father). Most jealousy stems from the conflicting message, Make me look good, but don’t do better than me.

Growing up, this jealousy can feel very confusing. Children naturally want to please their parents—when they’re young, they tend to idolize them as godlike figures.

They don’t feel like they’re on par with their mothers, so children can’t understand why their mothers want to compete.

Since low self-esteem is so synonymous with daughters of narcissistic mothers, there’s a good chance you don’t see your own self-worth.

So, you probably can’t imagine that your mother might actually be jealous of you. Instead, you might internalize that you’re not good enough.

HealingFromNarcissisticMom

Acknowledging that you had a narcissistic mother can be very helpful, especially if you grew up unable to figure out why you felt uneasy in your relationship.

At the same time, this realization can be upsetting and frustrating. You may feel angry or sad when you think about your childhood. You may also feel unsure about how to move forward.

Educate Yourself About Narcissism

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental illness. Symptoms are chronic and pervasive. Your mother didn’t choose to act this way — experts agree that genetics and neuroscience play a role in narcissistic traits.

Awareness is a key part of your recovery process. You should educate yourself about the signs and symptoms of narcissism and consider how your mother’s personality has affected you — both as a child and as an adult.

Set Appropriate Boundaries

Narcissists don’t change their ways easily. They do what they need to do to get their needs met — even if their behavior seems absolutely appalling to you.

That’s why boundaries are so important. You need to be mindful of your physical, emotional, and financial boundaries when it comes to your mother.

For example, let’s say your mother criticizes your home every time she comes over.

As a boundary, you might ask her to leave if she engages in this behavior again.

Or let’s say your mom bombards you with texts when she doesn’t hear from you after a few days.

As a boundary, you might simply respond, I’m busy right now, but I’ll call you later this week, and leave it at that.

Remember, your boundaries are only as strong as your ability to enforce them.

If you don’t reinforce what you say, you’re sending inconsistent messages about your intentions. As a result, your mom is more likely to continue manipulating you.

ConsiderTakingANoContact

If your mom doesn’t respect you and your boundaries, you may need to walk away from the relationship altogether. Of course, this is a personal decision, and you should think carefully about this option.

TakingANoContact means avoiding any interaction or engagement with your mom.

TakingANoContact means saying no more narcissistic abuse, no more enabling, and no more toxic energy.

This option is always available to you and might be necessary to preserve your mental health.