In April 2020, trauma expert Shannon Thomas told Insider about the differences between healthy families and families with a parent with narcissistic personality disorder.

“In healthy families, you’re just yourself — your name, your talents, your strengths, your weaknesses. You’re the person,” she said. But in a narcissistic family, things are different: “Everyone has to find a place to be, a job to do within the family… either to support the narcissistic parent or to be the focus of the narcissistic parent’s wrath.”

What’s interesting is that the “jobs” or roles Thomas is talking about here are often quite similar across narcissistic families. And as more and more people report their experiences — whether with therapists or online — similar roles keep popping up again and again.

As a society, we really need to think about this – according to a 2008 study, rates of narcissism are on the rise, and the rate of increase has doubled since 2002. If this research is correct, many of these narcissists will have – or have already had – their own children.

Related : 6 Honest Ways to Make a Narcissist Tell the Truth

With more narcissistic families out there than ever before, it’s important to understand the dynamics of a narcissistic family – and the impact it has on other family members.

So, let’s get started…

NarcissisticFamilyDynamics: Why Do Narcissists Want Kids?

To understand narcissistic families, we first need to understand why narcissists want children at all.

WhyDoNarcissistsWantKids?

Typically, having children is a natural thing that happens when two people are committed to each other and want to share the rest of their lives together.

But there’s a word in this context that isn’t part of the narcissist’s vocabulary in general – “sharing”! People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder want everything to be about them.

But children may be the ultimate sacrifice. You have to put their needs, wants, and lives before yours. Why do narcissists care?

Well, as with most decisions narcissists make, it boils down to their need for narcissistic supply (adoration, praise, and flattery—essentially,

they want people around them to act as if they really are as great as they imagine they are), and their need to avoid narcissistic injury (the hurt feelings that arise when someone suggests that the narcissist is not as great as they think they are).

Do Narcissists See Children as a Tool to Protect Their Ego?

If you look at parenting through this lens, you can begin to understand how narcissists view children.

Although many narcissists lack self-awareness, they do have a good sense of how certain behaviors are perceived. Image is everything, and narcissists are very attuned to status symbols in society.

In other words, they know what others consider respectable.

Narcissistic parents understand that a person with a happy family life is seen as a better person, and so family is a way to enhance their image.

Now take this natural and healthy instinct to present yourself and your family in a positive light, and take it to the next level. Make it a very important obsession.

You don’t need to portray happy family members, you need to portray the best possible image of the family. The happiest, most functional, most successful family ever! Now you’re getting closer to how narcissists think about and act toward their families.

In addition to being a way to present a good image to the outside world, the family gives the narcissist another opportunity – a group of people who will be able to maneuver to give them the narcissistic supply they need.

A little world they can retreat to and be at the top of the social hierarchy – no matter what’s going on elsewhere in their lives, they will always have this safe space to return to.

Narcissistic Family Structure

As we learned earlier, achieving these goals involves pushing family members into some common narcissistic family roles.

Let’s break down the dynamics of a narcissistic family, and see what these common roles are.

Keep in mind that while these roles tend to be fixed—that is, a child tends to have only one role the vast majority of the time—they can be fluid.

Roles can change depending on the whims of the parent with NPD, or how people behave.

Scapegoat in a Narcissistic Family

The role of the scapegoat in a narcissistic family is exactly what it sounds like—the person in the family who gets blamed for everything.

The narcissistic parent can use the scapegoat to generate narcissistic supply, through insults, put-downs, and other forms of abuse, and often turns the rest of the family against them as well, commonly known as “family bullying.”

But the abuse isn’t always so blatant and direct. It can be subtle. For example, if the scapegoat causes a parent to suffer a narcissistic injury, they may be punished indirectly.

For example, the narcissistic parent may cancel karate lessons, but say it’s because they can’t afford it, when in reality, it’s because the scapegoat crossed the line in some way.

So why does a child become a scapegoat? Well, we know that narcissists abuse others as a form of control—it’s very important for them to manage the behavior of others so that they can get the narcissistic supply they need.

But it’s a little different with their children. Narcissists often see their children as extensions of themselves, and because of this, they project their own traits—both positive and negative—onto their children.

Since narcissists are often insecure (their ego and self-confidence are just a way to cover it up), they project this weaker side of themselves onto one of their children—the scapegoat.

GoldenChild

The golden child is pretty much the opposite of the scapegoat. Where the scapegoat is the target of anger and criticism, the golden child is the target of praise and admiration.

Most of the time, the golden child can do no wrong. Their successes are celebrated as if they were the narcissistic parent’s, and their failures are ignored (or blamed on the scapegoat).

But if the golden child tries to test the boundaries of the parent with NPD, they will soon learn that there is no real love or friendship behind the praise—it can be taken away as easily as it can be given.

And how is the golden child chosen? In some cases, this will be because they bring some status to the family in the eyes of the narcissistic parent.

For example, they may be the captain of the football team, an excellent student, or especially attractive.

In other cases, the child may be the one most attentive to the narcissist, who easily buys into their worldview.

Whatever the reason, it will be something that helps the narcissistic parent get their supply.

Either by helping them present an image of a happy family to the outside world or simply by making them feel more important within the small world of the narcissist’s family life.

GoldenChild vs. ScapegoatChild

In a way, the dynamic between the narcissistic parent, the scapegoat child, and the golden child is a form of triangulation.

So the abuse may not be directed at the scapegoat directly (such as bullying, insults, or humiliation), but it may be indirect, using the golden child as a surrogate.

For example, the scapegoat might want to take the violin, but will be told that they can’t because the family is already spending a lot of money on taekwondo lessons for the golden child.

Or the golden child will be served first at the dinner table, and if there isn’t much left for the scapegoat, well, that’s it. The narcissistic parent uses the golden child as a tool of abuse, by showing favoritism.

Of course, favoritism is not unique to narcissistic parents, so we shouldn’t assume that just because favoritism persists, it’s because of narcissism.

In fact, one 2010 study found that 70% of mothers in families with multiple siblings could name a child they felt closest to, and 92% of children could name a sibling who argued with their parents most often.

This study also found negative mental health effects from this “normal” favoritism. Again, we see a pattern where narcissistic behavior is an extreme, exaggerated version of behaviors found in non-narcissists.

The golden child may be encouraged to engage in scapegoat abuse, either directly or indirectly, by the parent with NPD. Unfortunately, they often do this – and this can be for a number of reasons, including:

Trying to please their parents – to live up to their expectations

Trying to maintain their high status in the eyes of their parents
Because they have inherited or adopted a tendency toward NPD (we’ll come back to this idea shortly)

Fear – they fear being put in the role of scapegoat if they don’t comply

Although this may not happen in all cases, if the golden child adopts these behaviors, life can be very difficult for the scapegoat.

The golden child may begin to abuse the scapegoat in the same ways that the narcissistic parent does – such as blaming them for the golden child’s mistakes and shortcomings.

SupportiveParent

Because people with NPD rely heavily on others for their narcissistic supply. They usually have a supporter in their life, often their romantic partner (although the supporter role can also be played by other siblings).

A supporter is simply someone who supports or encourages a particular behavior in another person.

The enabling parent will usually buy into the narcissist’s view of reality, and will generally not question it. In fact, they may make excuses for the narcissist’s behavior, or try to minimize the negative aspects of it.

This is especially true in public, where they may act as a kind of reputational clean-up crew, but also within the narcissistic family structure itself—for example, they may downplay abuse aimed at the scapegoat,

“Oh, come on, it’s your dad, you know he loves you deep down, can’t you forgive him?”

Although the enabling parent may not be directly involved in child abuse or manipulation, they are sometimes referred to as “secondary abusers,” because they create the conditions that allow or encourage the continuation of the primary abuse.

Growing Up in a Narcissistic Family

Unfortunately, narcissistic parents do not tend to raise healthy, well-adjusted children. In some families, where the second parent is not empowered, they are able to provide a protective influence on their children.

They will do this by limiting the abuse and harm that the narcissistic parent can inflict, and by providing the unconditional love and affection that the narcissist does not.

In these cases, children of narcissists may grow up to be able to function relatively well, psychologically.

However, most of the time, the second parent falls under the narcissist’s spell and is therefore unable or unwilling to act as a buffer against their negative influences.

Of course, the impact of a narcissistic family on children depends largely on the child we are talking about. Let’s take a look at these two main roles in turn.

ScapegoatEffect

The scapegoat family child is probably the worst in his outlook. Low self-esteem, depression, lack of belonging, and difficulty negotiating relationships with adults.

He often suffers from trust issues, which is normal when people you should feel safe around turn against you.

Related : How Are Sons of Narcissistic Mothers Affected in Life?

Also, after years of such abuse, the scapegoat may internalize the criticism he believes. Paige Streep, in Psychology Today, recounts the experience of a girl who was scapegoated by her family:

“I believed everything my mother and siblings said about me… I blamed myself for everything and couldn’t take credit or take any pride in anything… When something good happened, I thought it was just an accident… When something bad happened, I knew I caused it because I was flawed and incomplete.”

TheGoldenChildEffect

While the scapegoat may seem like the worst situation, it’s not all fun and games for the golden child either—and in many ways the impact is less pronounced.

Yes, they get more attention and praise from the narcissistic parent, which is what any child wants. And yes, they’re not an emotional punching bag for the entire family, which is preferable, of course.

However, keep in mind that the golden child is also a pawn in the narcissist’s game—if they’re pushed into that role, they’re also subject to abuse and manipulation.

The golden child’s purpose is to support, care for, and provide for the narcissistic parent—often to the complete exclusion of their own needs and desires.

Julie L. Hall, a trauma counselor and Huffington Post writer, tells the story of Lynn, a woman who was thrust into the role of golden child:

“It was so difficult for me to manage relationships other than my mother. My only friends were the people I hung out with at school when my mother wasn’t expecting me to be home… [It was] terribly suffocating… I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It was like being in prison.”

The golden child is more likely to fall into the narcissist’s trap, and may be brainwashed by undeserved praise.

As Lenora Thompson points out at Psych Central, scapegoating abuse is blatant and obvious, and is likely to lead to them leaving the family, where they are at least a little bit away from the source of the abuse.

For the golden child, however, the abuse is more covert, confusing, and harder to escape.

NarcissistFamilyTree

I mentioned above that a golden child might develop NPD if they internalized the expectations of their narcissistic parent. Could this be true? Does narcissism run in families?

The research on this isn’t entirely clear, but it seems that there is a genetic aspect to narcissism. However, just because someone has a narcissistic parent, it doesn’t necessarily mean they will develop NPD.

It’s thought that to develop NPD, you need a combination of genetic and environmental factors. One environmental factor is being overvalued by a narcissistic parent—which is exactly the kind of thing a golden child experiences.

So it seems that a golden child would be more likely to develop NPD than a scapegoat child.

Furthermore, we know that narcissists tend to lack empathy. Well, one 2008 study found that siblings of children who were abused by their parents often lacked empathy, too.

Researchers believe this is a kind of defense mechanism—in order to avoid the deep guilt they typically feel for behaving in abusive ways toward their scapegoat, the golden child simply disengages—learning not to care about other people’s feelings.

However, this may not always be the case, and many former golden children find themselves struggling with guilt later in life because of the way they behaved as children.

Did you grow up in a family with a narcissistic parent? Do any of these roles sound familiar to you? Tell me about your experiences in the comments section below!