Have you ever been the “new guy” in a group that you know well?

You may have initially felt like you were out of step with the group. They seemed to be on the same wavelength. They had the same humor styles. They might even speak in a similar tone of voice, or use the same mannerisms.

This is an example of natural and healthy mirroring. It’s not that a group of very similar people found each other by chance. It’s that after spending a lot of time with people, we adapt our behavior in small ways, to match the other people in the group. When people like each other, they become like each other.

It’s a natural human behavior that helps us say, “I’m in your group, and you’re in my group.” In fact, some psychologists have argued that when children don’t get this healthy mirroring from their parents, it can be a catalyst for developing pathological narcissism (narcissistic personality disorder) in the first place.

But when does narcissistic mirroring become a weapon for the narcissist? When does natural mirroring turn into a dark mirror?

Why Does a Narcissist Mirror You?

The natural mirroring we just discussed happens slowly and gradually over time. In narcissistic mirroring, the narcissist takes this process and speeds it up.

They use the words you use, claim to like the things you like, and mimic your behaviors—even if they only met you 5 seconds ago.

The idea is to make you feel like you’re in the company of someone you’ve known for years. It makes you feel seen, like someone really gets you. When everything you love and value is validated by someone who seems so confident and successful, it’s easy to see why people fall for narcissists.

At the same time, narcissistic mirroring isn’t about real closeness (narcissists generally tend to avoid real intimacy). It’s a ploy to make you feel comfortable with them, to gain their trust—to lower your guard.

darkmirror

As I just mentioned, people who mirror others are usually people who have known each other for a long time—people who trust each other. By using mirroring early and aggressively, narcissists build trust more quickly.

When you feel seen and understood, you naturally begin to open up. You reveal deep, personal things about yourself. Narcissists sometimes know how to push people’s buttons—this is one way they learn which buttons to push.

Eventually, narcissistic mirroring becomes a weapon.

When they reach the stage of the relationship where the ridicule, abuse, and devaluation begin, the darker version of mirroring begins. Now the mirroring shifts from positive mirroring of the things you desire and value, to negative mirroring.

Examples of Narcissistic Mirroring

So, what does narcissistic mirroring look like in practice? It often starts with simple things, building a sense of similarity and shared interests.

You say you love jazz. “I love jazz! Jazz is amazing. It’s real music.”

You say your favorite color is purple. “My favorite color is purple, too!”

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If you say you love going out and partying to get your hair done, they love that too, but if you say you love nothing more than curling up with a good book, well, surprise surprise, they love that too.

You sit there thinking, “Oh my God, I have so much in common with this person!” But really, it’s just a facade.

Narcissistic mirroring often involves nonverbal communication as well. Whether you lean forward, backward, or to the side, they mirror it. If you talk fast and loud, they talk fast and loud. If you talk with your hands, they do too—and it might be an exact replica of the hand gesture you just made.

Sometimes mirroring can involve bigger, more outright lies. You went to Disneyland last year? They went to Disneyland last year! You work in finance? Guess what, they used to work in finance! Your family is from Ireland? No way, their family is Irish too!

What about dark mirroring, what might that look like?

Well, let’s say you reveal your fear of becoming like your mother, someone you didn’t get along with. They’ll store that information away for another day. Then, at the right moment, they’ll say the same thing to you

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“That thing you just said sounds like something your mother would say.”

In this instance, they might use this insult whenever they need to feel better at your expense, or to help win an argument.

Or they might say that you’ve revealed insecurities about work, and you don’t feel like you’re doing a good job. Later, you hear about a higher-level job opening, and you’re thinking about applying.

“Are you thinking about applying for a promotion? That sounds crazy, it seems like more than you can handle. Are you sure you’re up for it?”

In this case, the idea of ​​you getting a promotion makes them insecure (they’re the ones who are successful, remember?), so they use your vulnerabilities to convince you to back off.

Dealing with Narcissistic Mirroring

Sam Vankin, who we met at the beginning of this article, recommends a strategy for dealing with narcissists—you mirror the narcissist’s behavior.

In other words, you turn the mirroring against them. If they yell, you yell. If they leave, you leave.
If they act suspicious that you’re cheating, do the same to them. This advice pops up all over the internet, so I thought I’d address it here.

This approach may work in some situations and with some narcissists, but in general, I’d advise caution. Narcissists have been playing this game their entire lives, and you’re new to it. It’s like challenging a chess master to a game—they simply have more experience than you do, and a better idea of ​​what to do in certain situations.

Also, when narcissists feel threatened, they often respond with anger, abuse, or other dirty tactics. So, you’re leading the way to more of the very things you’re trying to avoid.

Instead, take the steps you should take when dealing with narcissists first:

Take care of yourself: through self-help, healthy habits, or seeing a therapist to increase your self-esteem and self-love

Set boundaries: Set clear rules for what you will and will not accept

Leave the narcissist: If their behavior crosses your boundaries, leave the narcissist

However, with mirroring, there is one more step you can take – be a better mirror for yourself. Don’t accept comments that reflect you back, if they are inaccurate. This applies to positive comments as well as negative ones. This means making a plan to build self-esteem and inner security – know who you are, and be comfortable with that.

That way, if someone mirrors you, you can make a realistic assessment of those statements. Not only in terms of whether they are true or not, but also, whether they are actually important.

Well, now that you’ve learned a little about narcissistic mirroring, I hope you’re better equipped to recognize and deal with it. And if you know anyone who lives with or deals with a narcissist, feel free to share this article with them too!