Can a narcissist love their children? It’s a painful question, isn’t it? It’s especially painful if you’re a child of a narcissist or if you have children with a narcissist.
After all, are they truly capable of providing the nurturing, compassionate, and unconditional positive regard that a child needs to thrive?
Despite their troubling personalities, can they still be decent parents? Do narcissists love their children the way most parents do? Let’s dig in.
UnderstandingTheEffectsOfNarcissisticParentsOnTheirChildren
A narcissistic parent can impact every area of a child’s development. The problems often start before the child is born.
The parent likely has unrealistic expectations about how their child will act in the world. Even in infancy, the narcissist often acts angry, surprised, or confused by the child’s needs.
As the child grows, narcissistic parents struggle to validate or even understand their feelings. Often, they simply expect the child to follow in their footsteps.
Once they realize that the child is forming their own identity (separate from their own), they often engage in toxic behaviors to manipulate this development.
- Overly critical of your performance
I expect you to get A’s. Why are you bringing home B’s?
Why didn’t you succeed in college?
Why aren’t you trying hard?
From an early age, narcissistic parents may judge and care about their child’s performance. No matter how hard you try, effort alone doesn’t earn love.
A child often only feels loved when they succeed, which can lead to a lifelong pattern of self-doubt and perfectionism.
- Shaming your preferences
Why would you want to wear something like that?
That food tastes disgusting. Why are you eating that?
It’s weird that you like that show.
Narcissists can’t understand why people’s preferences are different from theirs.
After all, they truly believe that their opinion is the best, and they tend to show it through subtle and obvious mockery.
- Banning You from Doing Certain Activities
Because narcissists expect their children to act and think like them, they may have strict rules about what you can and can’t do.
These rules may apply to everything from extracurricular activities to having relationships with certain friends.
- Giving Inappropriate Ultimatums
I’m banning you from doing anything for the rest of your life!
If you decide to do this, I will never forgive you.
Narcissists often rely on intimidation to scare people into giving them what they want. A young child will take these damaging statements literally.
Over time, they may learn that they can’t trust the parent (if the parent never follows through on their warnings).
Or they may become secretive and deceitful because they don’t want their parent to know what they’re doing.
- Dumping Their Emotional Baggage on You
Many narcissistic parents use their children as friends, doctors, or therapists. They may praise the child for being a “good listener” to reinforce this behavior.
Related : How Do Narcissists End Relationships? 5 Dirty Ways They Use
However, children are not emotionally equipped to deal with adult problems even if they are mature.
They should focus on their own needs and development – not their parents’ feelings.
- Trying to control every action
Narcissists love to be dependent on people. It makes them feel special, important, and irreplaceable, all of which feeds their insatiable ego.
This is why a developing child can be such a threat to narcissists. They are afraid that you will have independent thoughts and actions. It’s not because they care about you making a mistake – they care about their ego being slapped!
To try to prolong or even stunt your development, narcissists may try to manage your finances, apply for jobs on your behalf, control your relationships, and even invade your privacy.
- Constantly seeking approval
You love me, don’t you?
You wouldn’t want to be so-and-so’s parent, would you?
Do you think I’m a bad person?
Although they appear to be extremely arrogant, narcissistic personality disorder is a cover-up for deep feelings of inadequacy. Narcissists feel painfully insecure, although this feeling may only be apparent to close family members.
How do children internalize narcissism?
Many children feel confused by the behavior of the narcissist. On the one hand, it is about their parents. They want to please them and earn their love. They often idolize this parent, especially if the parent appears attractive, loving, and charming to others.
On the other hand, earning their love can seem like a never-ending task. Even if they seem to be doing everything right, it may not be good enough. This pattern can undoubtedly be frustrating and upsetting.
As a result, many children of narcissistic parents blame themselves for their parents’ behavior and assume that it is their fault.
Some will go to great lengths to please their parents, even if it means sacrificing their sense of self. These children may become the golden children, the ones who are coveted and appreciated.
Others rebel completely. They feel helpless in the face of the narcissist’s control and angry that they cannot secure their love.
So, they seem to stop trying altogether. Of course, narcissists reinforce this message by perpetuating blame and criticism.
In some cases, children of narcissistic parents will become extremely competitive with their siblings or the other parent.
Desperate for the narcissist’s approval, they will work hard to be the favorite child. If they are seen as the favorite, they may become harsh or controlling toward their siblings.
Can a Narcissist Be a Good Parent?
There is no universal definition of a good parent. But most people agree that good parents tend to be loving, compassionate, and kind to their family.
When their child makes a mistake, they may impose consequences, but they don’t try to shame the child for being a bad person.
Thus, good parents also tend to be reflective, curious, and humble.
They recognize that they are not perfect in their roles, but they strive to provide a good life for their children. They know that they cannot control their child’s actions, but they work hard to set boundaries and goals to ensure their success.
Good parents want what is best for their children. Even if they don’t always agree with their child’s decisions, they respect them for who they are.
In most cases, narcissists are not even remotely aware of how they are affecting their children. They tend to overestimate their competence.
In fact, they often think they are experts at parenting! In their view, if everyone raised their children like them, the world would be an infinitely better place!
Unfortunately, narcissists are unable to take personal responsibility when they make mistakes. This happens because they don’t record their mistakes as real mistakes.
Instead, it’s always someone else’s fault—the other parent, the child, the teacher, the day of the week, the next-door neighbor’s dog, etc. are automatically blamed.
Furthermore, narcissists are inherently disrespectful of their children. They often feel disappointed, angry, or embarrassed by them. If a child’s behavior consistently deviates from their expectations, they may cut off the relationship altogether.
How do narcissists treat their children?
Narcissists often view children as accessories rather than as whole people with unique personalities.
So, a child can be whatever the narcissist needs at that moment—a best friend, a punching bag, or a success story. Additionally, these needs often change, and can change without notice.
Many children find themselves in constant power struggles with the narcissistic parent.
The parent views the child as an inferior extension of themselves.
Related : What Happens When You Reject a Narcissist?
Any shift that challenges this mindset feels dangerous. The narcissist does not want to lose their sense of power or control over the relationship.
In addition, most narcissists struggle with anger management. They may abuse their children physically, sexually, or emotionally.
If a child reveals this abuse, the narcissist often goes to great lengths to hide it, manipulate it, or lie about it.
It is no surprise that many children of narcissists grow up feeling terrified of the narcissist.
They may suffer from low self-esteem, negativity, indecisiveness, impulse control, and poor emotional regulation in their adult lives. They may also find themselves in unhealthy relationships that mirror those they shared with their parents.
Do narcissists love their family?
If you ask a narcissist this question, they may react defensively. Of course I love my family! My family means everything to me.
In fact, narcissists love the idea of family. They love knowing that they have a reliable support system. They love knowing that they have people who will enable and even embrace their selfish behavior.
But narcissists don’t view love as an abstract experience of connection, empathy, and warmth.
They don’t see love as a mutual give and take. Instead, love is purely transactional. It’s about what others give to them, not the other way around.
For example, a spouse provides them with reassurance, security, or reliability.
Children provide them with feelings of power and importance. The idealized image of a family provides them with satisfaction and a sense of superiority.
