Divorce is already emotionally draining, but getting custody of a child from a narcissist can be even harder. The process is often tedious, drawn-out, and full of headaches.

As a parent, you obviously want the best for your child. You want to make sure they are loved and protected.

Unfortunately, you probably also know that the narcissist will do everything they can to punish you during these custody battles.

However, getting custody is entirely possible. It just takes creativity, effort, and careful planning. Let’s find out what you need to know.

How to Win a Custody Case Against a Narcissist? Follow These 9 Steps

So, you’re in a custody battle with a narcissist. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed and scared, but take a deep breath.

You can get through this and increase your chances of winning with self-awareness and proper brainstorming.

Suggested Reading: Who Is the Narcissist in Your Family?

1 Remember You’re Dealing with a Narcissist

You probably know that a battle with a narcissist is not a typical custody battle. Divorce can hurt anyone, but you’re also dealing with someone who is vindictive, spiteful, and manipulative.

Narcissistic personality disorder involves an inflated ego and a need for control.

Narcissists lack empathy and insight into other people’s feelings. So, when they feel threatened, they often react with extreme manipulation. As a result, they’re likely to push you to the limit throughout the process.

However, knowledge can help you feel empowered. Remember that you don’t have to let them control you anymore.

You can seek appropriate support and affirm that you are making the right choice. Most importantly, you can navigate this difficult time with the right mindset.

2 Write down everything that happens

The moment the breakup happens, you need to start documenting. Write down any instances of abuse or suspicious behavior. Include as much detail as possible and get testimonies from witnesses.

Don’t worry about overdoing your notes. The more information you can gather, the better. Select Law Partners explains how to keep detailed child custody records.

Keep all evidence of texts, email exchanges, and social media posts, and take screenshots that clearly show the times and dates.

Keep them in a secure, password-protected folder. Then print the evidence and store it somewhere accessible.

Some people prefer to use chronologically organized folders. Whatever method you use, keep in mind that organization is vital. You don’t want to be sloppy with your record keeping.

Don’t share your documentation with the narcissist. If they find out, they may try to find anything you’ve stored.

Or they may try to cover their tracks by acting better in front of others (in an attempt to prove that you’re “acting crazy”).

Remember, it’s easy for a narcissist to delete what they’ve shared or posted. However, the proof is in the evidence you keep.

3 Stop or Limit Communication

According to attorney Janet McCullar, you should avoid any additional, unnecessary contact. If you have children, keep your interactions with them short and to the point.

Don’t engage in any emotional discussion, no matter how tempting it may be. Narcissists love attention, even when it’s negative, and you don’t want to create that opportunity for them.

If you can, consider taking a no-contact approach. This way, you need to avoid all contact. You also need to delete them from social media and ignore any attempts they make to reach out to you.

It’s also a good idea to temporarily avoid or severely limit contact with any of their immediate friends or family. You never know if they’re using other people to try to get you back into their drama.

4 Contact Law Enforcement

Narcissists often act erratically and explosively when they feel threatened. This risk is heightened if you’re the one leaving. They may do everything they can to punish you or try to get you to return.

You should contact law enforcement if the narcissist commits any of the following acts:

Harassment
Stalking
Sexual Assault
Robbery
Criminal Restraint
Criminal Trespass
Kidnapping
Obscenity
Emotional Threats
Threats of Child Abuse
Physical Assault

Act quickly and seek a restraining order. A restraining order prohibits the narcissist from contacting you at all. There are different types of restraining orders, but the most common are:

Emergency: Lasts for a few days and serves as a temporary sign of a permanent order.
Residence Exclusion: Requires the narcissist to leave the home until a court hearing.
Temporary: Protects the victim during the time it takes for the court to hear the case.
No Contact: Protects the victim after the case has been heard and there is evidence that the narcissist committed a crime.
Domestic Violence: Protects the victim after a judge deems the narcissist a continuing danger to the victim.

Filing a restraining order serves several purposes. First, it starts a paper trail that documents your concerns for your safety. It also adds a layer of protection for you and your children.

You can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

5 Use Witness Evidence

Has your nanny noticed you two fighting? Has your child’s teacher raised concerns about your ex-spouse’s behavior?

Has there been a problem with your next-door neighbor? Witnesses in a child custody hearing can have a huge impact on the outcome.

Now is a good time to reach out to them and ask for their information. This information can help build your case against the narcissist in court.

When asking for this information, tell them it’s not about you. It’s about your children and their well-being.

6 Ensure Your Physical Safety

If you don’t have a place to live—or if your home is unsafe—it’s worth visiting a local domestic violence center or homeless shelter. These places provide safety and confidentiality, and they can also help you secure the right legal resources.

In addition to providing necessities like food and shelter, these places also provide valuable services, such as:

Support for ongoing food assistance (food stamps, free school breakfast and lunch programs)

Affordable housing assistance

Advocacy for benefits (eligibility for child care assistance, Medicaid, Social Security disability insurance)

Case management to secure other resources

7 Maintain a healthy lifestyle

Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Avoid any substance abuse. If you drink, drink only in moderation.

These habits are essential to your self-care, but they also demonstrate a sense of emotional maturity and personal responsibility.

8 Continue to be dependable

Pick up your children from school on time. If you leave your children with the other parent, avoid any cancellations or rescheduling. Return phone calls and respond to emails promptly.

Reliability is an essential part of parenting. It shows that you are actively involved in your child’s life, and that others can depend on you. A judge will certainly take this factor into account when making his or her final decisions.

9 Secure the Right Attorney

When it comes to figuring out how to get child custody from a narcissist, hiring the right attorney can make a big difference.

You need someone who understands the nuances of narcissistic personality disorder.

Be prepared to interview several different attorneys. Ideally, you want to choose someone who has the best track record in the legal community.

Look for someone who is active in state and national family law bar associations. Most states have specialized programs designed to certify attorneys in specific areas of practice.

Ask potential candidates how much experience they have handling divorce cases. You can also inquire about their experience with narcissism.

Of course, hiring an attorney can be expensive. Fortunately, many legal aid programs provide inexpensive or free services to those in financial need. These programs typically have specific eligibility rules based on your location and income.

How to Spot a Narcissist in Court?

Custody disputes can be extremely painful. But no matter how you feel in the courtroom, try to remain calm and composed. This mood is important – it shows that you are emotionally stable under pressure.

Be Prepared for All Outcomes

Narcissists will pull all the tricks in the courtroom.

They will work hard to charm the judge. They will make themselves look like the perfect parent.

They will lie and manipulate reality to make themselves look good, and they will likely try to discredit you in front of everyone they know. They know your triggers, and they know exactly how to raise your blood pressure!

Be prepared for these outcomes. You have your cards. You know your reality. You need to be confident that the narcissist will not get away with their ridiculous behavior.

Stay Calm

Narcissists often thrive on the emotional chaos associated with divorce and custody battles. Don’t give in to their wishes. Let your attorney speak. If you do speak, stick to the facts.

Be careful about sharing your feelings with mutual friends or family. The narcissist may be pressuring them for information.

If you need support, reach out to trusted people who are not related to your ex. You may also want to consider seeing a therapist for confidential support.

What Do Judges Look For in Child Custody Cases?

Judges determine custody by considering factors that are in the best interests of the child. This rule applies to all states, although such a ruling can be subjective in nature.

Judges will examine variables, including a person’s financial, health, and emotional status, when deciding how to proceed.

They will also look into issues related to domestic violence, child abuse, or drug abuse.

Child’s Age

Although this approach is closer to the old-fashioned approach, some judges still prefer that the mother care for younger children, especially if she is the primary caregiver.

Judges often choose the primary caregiver when choosing custody of young children. However, this rule certainly does not apply if the primary caregiver is deemed unfit to raise the children.

Consistency

Structure and routine are important to a child’s development. For this reason, judges want to make sure that the child’s schedule remains as consistent as possible.

They tend to award custody to the parent who can keep their children in the same school and on the same schedules. This factor should be taken into account if you plan to move.

Living situation

Judges want to see that children will live in safe, clean, and stable homes.

You should be able to prove that your child has his or her own bed, clothing, room for his or her own belongings, and enough space for play and mealtimes.

Some judges prefer to award custody to the parent who stays in the family home.

But they will also consider your proximity to your spouse. For example, if you choose to live in the same city, the judge will likely consider splitting custody.

Child preferences

Depending on the state, some teens and preteens can share their preferences with the judge directly. In other cases, the assigned custody evaluator can discuss the child’s wishes.

Don’t try to convince your child to live with you. Instead, maintain open communication, and be empathetic to your child’s needs.

Avoid badmouthing the other parent. It’s helpful to express your concerns with older children, but you shouldn’t try to manipulate them into thinking a certain way.

Financial Stability

Judges want to see that you are able to provide for your child’s basic needs. You must prove that you can afford housing, food, medical care, clothing, and educational resources.

Sibling Considerations

Judges typically want to keep siblings together to ensure stability. It’s rare for siblings to be separated, especially if they are biologically related.

This rule can get more complicated in cases involving stepchildren, stepchildren, foster children, or adopted children.

Abuse

Abuse is one of the most important considerations a judge looks at when assessing custody. As you know, narcissistic abuse isn’t always blatant.

That’s why documentation, restraining orders, and staying calm and objective will help your case.

Judges want to make sure that the parent is not an emotional or physical danger.

They will be looking at different parental characteristics, home environments, and parenting skills.

FinalThoughts

There’s no doubt that dealing with a narcissist in court can be extremely frustrating.

Being proactive in building your case can help you win this custody battle.

In the meantime, avoid giving the narcissist any attention. It’s time to focus on you and your children, and move on from the pain of the past.