Being in a relationship with a narcissist is painful and destroys your self-esteem. Getting rid of a narcissist is not easy, but it is necessary to survive the trauma and re-establish your sense of worth.
If you are thinking about getting rid of a narcissist in your life, you are probably worried about how they will react, and rightfully so.
Getting rid of a narcissist first will leave them feeling angry, rejected, and upset about the power dynamic they rely on to prop up their ego.
They will react to rejection by blaming you for all the problems in the relationship in order to prove themselves.
In this article, I will give you an idea of the behavior you can expect when you get rid of a narcissist first and help you prepare yourself for the inevitable consequences.
What Happens When You Get Rid of a Narcissist First?
Let’s start with a list of 12 things that will or might happen when you get rid of a narcissist first.
1 They’ll make you feel guilty to stay
A narcissist can’t stand losing their power or the victim they’re using as an emotional prop, so their first reaction will be to do anything they can to get you to stay.
They’re not afraid of losing you as much as they are of losing their power over you.
A few years ago, I met someone who had survived a narcissistic relationship. When he was dumped, his narcissistic partner used every past trauma and difficult situation he could find to make him feel guilty.
When he dumped his narcissistic ex, his partner angrily responded by saying, “Everyone else has left me, so you can go too.”
Other phrases a narcissist might use to make you feel guilty include:
“How could you leave me after everything I’ve done for you?”
“You know I get depressed when I’m alone – is that what you want?”
“If you leave me, I’ll have nothing left to live for, so I might as well die.”
“I paid for your car/school/holiday, and this is how you’re rewarding me!”
Beware of this type of behavior. It is a form of emotional blackmail and will only bring more abuse and unhappiness.
2 They will blame you
If you dump a narcissist first, they will blame you for everything that went wrong in the relationship, even though they were the guilty party.
They will accuse you of being selfish, cold, and uncaring while claiming that they were the ones working hard to keep the relationship afloat.
In addition to portraying you as emotionless, they will rewrite the narrative to make themselves look perfect and blameless.
They will try to convince you that no one else will love you the way they do and that no one else can make a relationship work with someone as cold and cruel as you.
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Stick to your truth and don’t let their narrative undermine yours. Your experiences in the relationship are valid, and you have every right to protect yourself by getting rid of the narcissist first.
3 They Will Refuse to Take Responsibility
Just as the narcissist will blame you for everything that went wrong, they will also refuse to take responsibility for any problems that arose.
No matter what you say about why the relationship broke down, they will deny responsibility for it.
Their sense of entitlement makes it impossible for them to see their own flaws and leads to the blame-shifting we explored above.
They will also deny any responsibility, claiming that they had no choice and that you pushed them to act the way they did.
We will discuss this in more detail in the bullying section, but in the meantime, you might benefit from reading my article on How to Ignore a Narcissist the Right Way?
4 They’ll Rage
Narcissists use anger to frighten, intimidate, and provoke a reaction. Like children throwing a tantrum, they can’t control their anger, and their anger is often disproportionate to the situation.
Sometimes, a narcissist will quietly rage, fuming, and ignoring until they provoke a reaction. I knew someone whose father did this—sometimes for weeks or months.
The best way to respond to a narcissist’s anger is to stay calm and try not to react. Remember, a narcissist is just using their anger to regain control.
If you’re concerned that anger might turn violent, make sure you have a safety net, whether it’s a support person or a phone number to call emergency services.
5 They’ll Try to Manipulate
Narcissists use manipulation a lot. One of my clients recently dumped a narcissist she’d been with for almost a year. His first reaction was to tell her she was crazy and that she had imagined all the problems she’d mentioned when she ended the relationship.
When that didn’t work, he started telling her that she needed so much care that she could never find another partner and that her bitterness was making her ugly.
He used all of her weaknesses against her, hoping to break her, but she held on, reminding herself that people who truly loved her would never say such hurtful things.
6 They will threaten to hurt or kill themselves
When you first dump a narcissist, they will do anything to get you back, including threatening to kill themselves. This can be very difficult to deal with because your natural response is to offer comfort and try to convince them to give up their murderous intent.
Remember, you are the narcissist’s primary source of power, and this tactic is used to retain that power.
Fortunately, most narcissists who threaten to hurt themselves or commit suicide are making empty threats. A person contemplating suicide will not shout it from the rooftops.
Remember, you are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness and you should not compromise your well-being for theirs.
7 They will love bombard you
Narcissists swing from one extreme to the other. If you dump a narcissist first, they will respond by devaluing you, then by love bombing you.
If your ex starts sending you gifts or taking you out to your favorite restaurant, remind yourself of everything they said when they devalued you.
Why would someone who thinks you’re cold, selfish, and emotionless want to have a relationship
with you?
As I said before, love bombing is designed to make you feel dependent on the other person. In many cases, this behavior is unconscious and will only last as long as it takes to get you back.
Once they’ve got a hold of you, they’ll quickly revert to being the manipulative, controlling person you’re desperately trying to escape.
8 They’ll Devalue You
When you dump a narcissist first, you’re cutting off their source of love and admiration.
They’ll feel hurt by this and try to undermine you and devalue you in order to reignite that source and reassure themselves of their importance and superiority.
No one finds devaluing you easy, especially when it involves undermining everything about you.
The narcissist will tear you off the pedestal they’ve placed you on while bombarding you with love and telling you that you’re worthless, unlovable, or just plain crazy.
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A qualified therapist like myself can help you counter these accusations by reminding you that you’re worthy of love and respect and that you don’t need others, especially narcissists, to define your self-worth.
9 They’ll Threaten You
By getting rid of a narcissist first, you’re declaring war on their self-esteem, which will cause them to attack. They may threaten to withhold certain possessions or, in my friend’s case, prevent her from participating in a joint project.
They will try to convince you that you don’t deserve anything because you dumped them first and that they deserve the lion’s share because of the poor service you gave them.
They may threaten to destroy your reputation by spreading lies about you or even threatening to hurt you.
The best way to protect yourself from this narcissistic behavior is to surround yourself with friends and loved ones and remember that there is nothing you can do to control someone else’s behavior.
10 They Will Obsess Over You
A rejected or ostracized narcissist will try to get you back into the relationship. Devaluation and love bombing are both part of this cycle of narcissistic behavior.
Narcissists may use your friends or family to lure you back into the relationship, inventing problems that would be better solved if you both worked together.
They may use your possessions to get in touch with you, or even use your religious beliefs to sneak back into your life, saying things like “God wants us to try again.”
As I mentioned in my article on 15 Deceptive Examples of Narcissists Using a Vacuum Cleaner , the best way to combat narcissism is to recognize it for what it is and “cut off as quickly as possible.”
11 They’ll Try to Control the Narrative
When you break up with a narcissist, you’re tearing off their mask, exposing their true nature and leaving them exposed and insecure.
To undermine this, they’ll try to reframe the narrative to make you look like the bad guy. This means convincing others that you’re the abusive person whose behavior led to the relationship’s downfall.
Some narcissists will spread this story far and wide, even going so far as to launch a smear campaign against you.
It may be tempting to launch your own counter-campaign, but that’s the worst thing you can do—it only plays into the narcissist’s hands.
The best response is to not respond at all and ignore them completely. Hopefully, your family and friends know you well enough not to believe this narcissistic narrative, but if they need proof—provide it.
Any documentation you have, whether it’s text messages or handwritten notes, can help, especially if you want to pursue the matter in court.
12 They’ll replace you
A narcissist can’t live long without a source of attention, admiration, respect, or adoration. When you first get rid of a narcissist, you cut off that source, which will cause them to seek it back or find another source.
My friend’s narcissistic partner didn’t waste much time looking for a new source, and quickly turned his attention to the legal representative handling his case.
Even people who have survived 20 years in a relationship with a narcissist find themselves replaced within a few short months or weeks.
This shows that they never loved you in the first place—they were in love with the energy, admiration, and attention you gave them.
While it may be tempting to act vindictively by finding a new partner, this is not a good idea.
A narcissistic relationship is painful, and you need to give yourself some time to heal. Practice self-love instead, and find a therapist to help you work through your feelings before embarking on a new relationship.
How Does a Narcissist Feel If You Dump Them First?
A narcissist will always feel like a victim, and this will be their typical response if you dump them first.
They will also feel exposed because you’ve seen through their narcissistic tactics and revealed the real person underneath. They will feel insecure, abandoned, and humiliated.
How Does a Narcissist React When You Abandon Them?
No one likes to be abandoned, but for narcissists, it’s devastating. Not only have they lost their source, but they’ve been exposed for who they really are.
They will react by using every manipulation tactic in the book to get you back. This includes threats, manipulation, smear campaigns, and love bombing.
Letting go of a narcissist is a long and arduous journey during which you need to hold on tight to your sense of self-worth and ignore their efforts to undermine it.
Do Narcissists Chase You After You’ve Been Abandoned?
A narcissist will refuse to accept your rejection and will often resort to stalking as a means of getting you back or at least maintaining power over you.
Related : How To Make a Narcissist Jealous?
Their low self-esteem means they need control, and they will use every trick in the book to re-establish it.
Signs of a Narcissist Stalking
Watch out for these signs that your narcissistic ex is stalking you:
He shows up at your favorite hangouts, suddenly joins the gym so he can meet you or hits the local coffee shop to get his daily caffeine fix.
He posts pictures of himself with new friends or potential partners, hoping to make you jealous.
He calls or texts you repeatedly, asking for another chance or making up reasons to meet up.
He claims he wants to stay friends and asks you to meet up so you can chat about what went wrong in your relationship.
He starts hanging out with your family members.
He texts your friends, asking for updates on your status.
He responds to all your social media posts.
He starts sending you gifts or sending love letters through your inbox.
