How does a narcissistic mother affect her daughter? Will the daughter end up with narcissistic traits or become a people pleaser?
As with all human interactions, the answer is complex. Narcissism affects parenting traits and this can impact the mental health of children. In this article, I will identify 10 symptoms of daughters of narcissistic mothers and examine the characteristics of narcissistic mothers.
10 Symptoms of Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
- You often change your identity to fit in with others
Narcissistic mothers are constantly changing the rules, shifting boundaries in a split second. You never knew what to expect, but you learned how to deal with your mother’s demands and become the person who makes her life easier.
As an adult, you are highly sensitive to changing moods and environments. You adopt specific roles within your family or friends to accommodate the stronger personalities around you. You know that it’s not who you are, but how you are perceived that matters.
- You Are a People-Pleaser
“…children of narcissistic parents tend to satisfy their parent’s needs in order to avoid relational conflict and maintain the attachment relationship.” (F, Dentale, et al., 2015)
Daughters of narcissistic mothers quickly learn to suppress their own needs in favor of their mothers. They may hide their opinions or sacrifice their dreams to protect the relationship.
Narcissistic mothers make their daughters feel worthless and unworthy. You are worthless unless you raise your mother’s value. Love is a transaction for you. If you please your mother, she may notice you.
- Love is Conditional
Meeting the needs of an unstable mother is very difficult, but the positive feedback you receive is a powerful substitute for love and affection. You grow up learning that love depends on you doing something for your mother.
The idea of unconditional love, someone who loves you for you, not what you can do, is foreign to you. There is always some trade-off when it comes to love. Do this for me, and I will love you.
- You are anxious and depressed
“Experiencing scapegoating by family members in childhood significantly predicted increased anxiety and depression symptoms in young adulthood, and greater anxiety symptoms were additional potential consequences of scapegoating.” (M, Vignando, et al., 2022)
If your mother scapegoated you as a child, you are more likely to experience anxiety and depression. Studies show a direct link between childhood scapegoating and increased anxiety in adulthood.
- You need external validation
Healthy parenting builds a strong sense of identity and self-esteem. A narcissistic mother is not interested in raising well-adjusted children. Her children are a means to an end, and they are there only for her benefit.
Children need to know that their parents love them unconditionally. Love is not based on behavior. Narcissistic mothers reward behavior that benefits them. This is confusing for children and can lead to a need for constant external validation in adult relationships.
- You Don’t Think You’re Good Enough
Narcissistic mothers love only conditionally, setting impossible standards for a child. You quickly learn that your true self is not good enough. Your only value is what you can do for your mother.
Pleasing your mother is tied to your self-image. This is your value, not as a separate person in your own right, but as a mirror for others. If you’re not good enough, it reflects poorly on the person you need to impress the most.
- You End Up in Controlling or Abusive Relationships
Studies show that victims of early childhood abuse report lower levels of relationship satisfaction. This includes worse marital outcomes. You learn that abuse is normal and become desensitized to it.
Narcissistic mothers can cause long-term emotional abuse, leading to codependency or neglect of your own needs in relationships. Victims develop a fear of abandonment, making it difficult to leave abusive relationships. Low self-esteem, self-doubt, and shame facilitate this failure to leave a toxic situation.
- You’re Clingy or Hostile in Relationships
Daughters of narcissistic mothers form insecure attachments that affect their future relationships. A daughter with an avoidant attachment style will shut people out of her life because she doesn’t want to get too close. As a child, she learned not to trust. As an adult, she finds emotional closeness difficult and pushes people away.
Daughters with an anxious attachment style desperately seek out the love they didn’t receive growing up. They can become clingy and may tolerate abusive partners because they fear abandonment.
- You Have Narcissistic Tendencies
Narcissists focus on their own needs and use their children as props to boost their value. As a child grows older, they see the attention their mother gets and how easily they can manipulate others. People are only useful if you can get something out of them.
Neglecting a daughter’s emotional well-being can lead to a lack of empathy or compassion in a child. Dysfunction, drama, conflict, guilt, and blaming others are normal. People are just pawns to be used.
- You Have Poor Mental and Physical Health
It’s no surprise to learn that negative childhood experiences affect us long into adulthood. Studies show a link between childhood adversity, such as parental neglect, and poor overall health. Researchers have linked conditions such as:
Obsessive-compulsive disorder
Anxiety
Depression
Addictive behavior
Eating disorders
Aggressive behavior
Increased violence
Risk-taking
Relationship difficulties
So, these are the symptoms of daughters of narcissistic mothers, but how can you recognize a narcissistic mother?
Understanding the Narcissistic Mother
There are two types of narcissists; grandiose and weak.
The Grandiose Narcissistic Mother
The grandiose narcissistic mother cares only about herself and how the world sees her. She has an inflated sense of self-worth and entitlement, is superior to everyone around her, and we all need to cater to her desires.
The grandiose narcissist builds a positive self-image that they wholeheartedly believe in.
The Vulnerable Narcissistic Mother
The vulnerable narcissistic mother is also very self-centered but has a fragile ego. This mother needs constant reassurance and validation. Vulnerable narcissists, who are highly sensitive to criticism, feel ashamed of their negative self-image.
Vulnerable narcissists are prone to narcissistic rage when confronted with their true selves.
Parenting Styles of Narcissistic Mothers
Parenting Styles of Grandiose Narcissistic Mothers
Unresponsive Parenting: Grandiose narcissists only think about themselves. They lack empathy and exploit their children for their own self-esteem. They deny their children’s needs, seeing them as mere tools to make them look good.
Favoritism or Blaming Others: This is a manipulative tactic used by narcissistic mothers. Favoring a different child or blaming their daughter is a form of control that elevates their status within the family.
Extremely competitive: Narcissistic mothers want to be the center of attention. They may see their daughter competing for this attention and become jealous of them. Or they may force their daughter into situations that make the mother look good.
Vulnerable Narcissistic Mother Parenting Style
Under-nurturing but over-protective: Vulnerable narcissists fear abandonment, so they become overly protective and clingy toward their children. This “emotionless control” manifests itself in belittling or shaming by the mother, making the children more dependent on her affection.
Need for constant validation: The need for validation is so strong that it overpowers the care of the parents. The mother becomes the child because she uses them as tools to boost her self-esteem.
Guilt and Self-Sacrifice: Narcissistic mothers guilt-trip their children by highlighting the sacrifices they made while raising them. They blame them for their lack of job opportunities or problems with their partners.
FinalThoughts
Do you recognize any of these 10 symptoms of daughters of narcissistic mothers? If so, don’t let it discourage you. Understanding the roots of your behavior is the first step to dealing with it.
