It’s an old story: Someone falls for a narcissist based on the love bombing that happened early in the relationship, only to feel confused when the narcissist starts to show his or her true colors.
The narcissist may exhibit cruel behavior toward you, withdrawing affection and hurling insults your way once they don’t get what they want from you.
Or they may disappear for days, giving you the silent treatment while they pursue other love interests.
No matter the exact behavior, the narcissist is sure to disappoint you very quickly, and you’ll realize that they’re not the romantic, charismatic person you fell in love with.
This leaves you with a burning question: Can a narcissist change if they want to? Let’s explore the answer below.
4 Reasons Why Narcissists Are Unable to Change
First, let’s take a look at the core traits of a narcissist. These traits can make it difficult for a narcissist to change their behavior.
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1 Fragile Ego
Narcissists create a false image for the rest of the world. They portray themselves as overly confident and superior to others.
They even exaggerate their own accomplishments to appear superior to others while displaying arrogant and selfish behavior.
This behavior is extremely difficult for narcissists to change. Change will require them to change patterns that have supported their self-esteem since they can remember. Their ego will be completely shattered if they go so far as to face the truth.
Admitting that they have a problem and need to change means admitting that the narcissist is not perfect.
In many cases, they simply cannot do this. It will cause them a lot of shame and trigger feelings of inadequacy.
2 Lack of Insight
If you are dealing with an adult narcissist, you can be pretty sure that they have been playing narcissistic games for some time.
At this point, they see nothing wrong with their behavior and have little insight into their problems.
The narcissist has to convince themselves that everyone around them is the problem. They cannot take an honest look at themselves and therefore do not see the need to change.
In fact, they believe that others must change to suit their needs! Narcissists’ lack of insight allows them to perpetuate delusions of grandeur and superiority.
3 Projection Patterns
Another reason why a narcissist struggles to change is that they tend to project their flaws onto others.
Instead of accepting that they may be capable of making some changes, narcissists unconsciously attribute their flaws to the people around them.
For example, if narcissists feel they are falling short in their household duties, they may accuse their spouse or partner of being lazy.
Or if they are manipulative, they will accuse their partner of manipulation at any opportunity they get.
This projection prevents narcissists from taking responsibility for their flaws. Since they don’t take responsibility, they are unlikely to see any need to change.
4 Constant Blaming
From a rational perspective, a narcissist seems to realize that they need to change based on their ongoing conflict with others. However, the narcissist is not thinking rationally.
A narcissist uses immature defense mechanisms, including blaming, to protect themselves from feelings of guilt or shame.
Because they blame you for their problems, they don’t believe they need to make any changes.
As hard as it may be to accept, the narcissist doesn’t recognize their role in the ongoing conflict in their life.
They never stop to think that if they changed their behavior patterns, life might be easier for them. Instead, they blame you; if you were better, they might be kinder!
All of this makes it less likely that the narcissist will change.
3 Ways to Make Change Possible
As we noted above, there are many barriers to change for the narcissist. This doesn’t mean that change is impossible; it just means that it is highly unlikely.
In rare circumstances, a narcissist may be willing to change, but it won’t be easy. It will take time and a lot of effort, but a narcissist can change under the following circumstances.
1 There’s an underlying motivation
Narcissists continue to act the way they do because it serves them. Their behavior will continue as long as the people around them tolerate it.
On the other hand, once you become aware of the narcissist’s tactics, you may refuse to tolerate their behavior any longer.
You may start criticizing them for their lies and hurtful behavior, or you may distance yourself from them.
When a narcissist realizes that they are losing you, they may be willing to change. Faced with the loss of a significant relationship, they may realize that their usual patterns no longer serve them.
Change may be possible, but you’re also likely to anger the narcissist if you stand up to them.
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They may be confused when they realize that you’re no longer falling for their games. Instead of changing, they may lash out in anger or simply dump you in favor of a more vulnerable target.
2 It’s Allowed to Happen Gradually
On the rare occasions when a narcissist makes a genuine effort to change, it’s important to realize that change won’t happen overnight.
Real change requires the narcissist to unlearn behaviors that have been a part of their life for some time.
Narcissists are used to using deception, exploitation, and manipulative tactics to get what they want from people. They also compensate for an underlying fragile ego and low self-esteem.
It will take time and perhaps a great deal of effort for them to make changes. Furthermore, as they work to change, relapse is likely to be common. They may take a few steps forward and then take a few steps back along the way.
3 Professional Intervention Needed
Even with motivation, a narcissist is unlikely to ever change without professional intervention.
Remember, you are asking the narcissist to change the way he or she sees the world. Change also requires shedding defense mechanisms that may have protected them for years.
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Beneath the narcissist’s imposing exterior, there is a deeply wounded self-esteem, perhaps stemming from childhood trauma, neglect, or rejection. This means that he or she will need to undergo extensive therapeutic work to make real changes.
This work will require the help of a skilled therapist who is willing to break down the narcissist’s defense mechanisms and address behaviors like projection, blame shifting, and manipulation.
Unfortunately, many narcissists don’t even go to a therapist’s office. Most of the time, narcissists believe they don’t need therapy. They also don’t like being vulnerable, so going to therapy is unlikely to be at the top of their to-do list.
However, Change Is Unlikely!
The truth is, narcissists must change if they are to have any chance of having healthy, long-lasting relationships. Change also benefits the narcissist’s partner, who is likely to be the victim of continued abuse unless the narcissist commits to change.
While change is clearly needed, the narcissist is likely not aware of this fact.
It is much easier for them to continue blaming others for their problems and avoid facing their own flaws. Admitting that they have flaws that require change is extremely painful for the narcissist.
So, narcissists can change; however, they are much less likely to make changes than non-narcissists. The traits that make a narcissist so desperate to change are the same reasons they are unable to change.
Giving up their manipulative and exploitative tactics means they will have to confront their own fragile and fragile self-esteem. This can be a disastrous task for the narcissist.
