When dealing with a narcissist, you may find yourself constantly repeating the same points, explaining your feelings, or defending your actions, only to feel unheard or misunderstood. This frustrating cycle is not uncommon and can leave you feeling drained and defeated. But why do people feel the need to repeat themselves with narcissists, even when it seems fruitless? Here are some key reasons why this happens:
1. The Desire for Understanding
One of the primary reasons people repeat themselves to narcissists is the basic human desire to be understood. In a healthy relationship, both parties listen, empathize, and seek to resolve conflicts through open communication. With narcissists, however, this dynamic is absent. Narcissists typically lack empathy and are often unable (or unwilling) to see things from another person’s perspective. As a result, you may keep repeating yourself, hoping that somehow, they will finally understand your point of view. This need for validation fuels the repetition, even though the narcissist is unlikely to truly listen.
2. Narcissistic Listening Style
Narcissists have a very particular way of listening: they often only listen for information they can use to benefit themselves, and they ignore or dismiss anything that doesn’t serve their needs. They may feign interest when it’s useful or seem engaged to manipulate you, but in reality, they’re rarely paying attention to your feelings or needs. This leads to repeated conversations because the narcissist selectively listens, leaving you feeling like you have to keep explaining yourself just to get basic acknowledgment.
3. Gaslighting and Emotional Manipulation
Narcissists often employ gaslighting—a tactic where they manipulate you into doubting your own reality or perceptions. This can make you feel like you need to explain yourself over and over because you start to question your own thoughts and feelings. Gaslighting makes you feel confused, and in your attempt to regain clarity, you may keep revisiting the same issues, hoping for some kind of resolution or confirmation from the narcissist that your feelings are valid. Unfortunately, narcissists rarely provide this validation, perpetuating the cycle.
Related : Why is it Important to Know They Are a Narcissist?
4. The Need for Closure
Narcissists are experts at leaving conversations unfinished, unresolved, or deflected back onto you. They rarely take accountability for their actions and often shift the blame, leaving you with lingering feelings of frustration. Without closure, you may find yourself stuck in a loop, rehashing the same issues in an attempt to resolve them. The narcissist, however, thrives on leaving you hanging, knowing that this keeps you emotionally engaged and seeking answers that they’ll never give.
5. The Fear of Being Misunderstood
Because narcissists often twist words, misinterpret intentions, or intentionally misrepresent facts, you may feel like you constantly have to clarify or correct misunderstandings. You may repeat yourself in an effort to prevent the narcissist from using your words against you or distorting the truth. This can lead to an exhausting pattern of trying to control the narrative, even though the narcissist is not engaging in good faith communication.
6. Seeking Empathy That Isn’t There
Many people repeat themselves to narcissists because they’re seeking an emotional response or empathy. Narcissists, however, are generally emotionally detached from others’ feelings. They are more concerned with protecting their ego than with connecting on an emotional level. You may keep hoping that if you explain your feelings clearly enough, the narcissist will finally empathize or show compassion. Sadly, narcissists typically lack the emotional depth to respond in this way, leaving you stuck in a pattern of unmet emotional needs.
7. Hoping for Change
Repeating yourself to a narcissist can also stem from a hope that, over time, they’ll change. You may think that if you explain things the right way, or enough times, the narcissist will eventually see your perspective and alter their behavior. Unfortunately, narcissists are resistant to change, especially when it comes to addressing their own shortcomings. The belief that they will somehow change if you just try harder keeps you in the loop of repetition.
8. Being Conditioned by the Narcissist
Narcissists are skilled at conditioning the people around them to meet their needs. Over time, you may become conditioned to over-explain yourself because the narcissist has repeatedly dismissed, ignored, or belittled your concerns. They create an environment where you feel like your thoughts and feelings aren’t valid unless you justify them again and again. This conditioning is a form of control, keeping you in a subservient role in the relationship.
9. The Illusion of Fairness
In healthy relationships, discussions are two-sided and both individuals aim to reach an understanding. You may repeat yourself to a narcissist because you’re operating under the assumption that the conversation will eventually lead to fairness or resolution. However, narcissists rarely engage in fair discussions. They are more interested in winning, maintaining control, or preserving their inflated sense of self-worth. This makes it nearly impossible to reach a fair outcome, but you may continue repeating yourself, driven by the mistaken belief that fairness is achievable.
10. Emotional Investment
If you’ve invested a lot of time, energy, and emotions into the relationship, you may feel compelled to repeat yourself to the narcissist in hopes of salvaging the relationship. You might believe that, with enough communication, things can improve. This emotional investment makes it hard to walk away, and repeating yourself feels like a way to make the relationship work. The reality, however, is that narcissists rarely change, and all the repetition in the world won’t make them more emotionally available or empathetic.
Conclusion
The pattern of repeating yourself to a narcissist is often driven by a combination of emotional need, manipulation, and the desire for understanding or closure. Unfortunately, narcissists are unlikely to give you the resolution you seek because their primary concern is themselves. Recognizing this dynamic is the first step toward breaking free from the cycle. Instead of seeking validation or change from the narcissist, focus on establishing boundaries, protecting your own emotional well-being, and finding closure within yourself.
