Triangulation with Children and the Narcissist’s New Supply

When dealing with a narcissist, one of the most painful dynamics that can emerge is triangulation. This tactic is particularly harmful when children are involved and a narcissist introduces a new romantic partner, also referred to as the “new supply.” In this context, triangulation is used as a tool to manipulate, control, and create emotional chaos. Understanding how triangulation works and how it affects children is crucial for protecting yourself and your family from its toxic effects.

What Is Triangulation?

Triangulation is a form of manipulation where the narcissist involves a third party—often their new partner or your children—in conflicts or emotional games. This strategy allows the narcissist to maintain control, create competition, and shift blame away from themselves. It’s a way to destabilize relationships and keep others on edge, unsure of where they stand.

In relationships with narcissists, triangulation can manifest in various ways, including:

Pitting people against each other: The narcissist may create jealousy or rivalry between the new partner and the ex-partner or between siblings.
Emotional manipulation: They may tell the children or the new partner different versions of the truth to paint themselves as the victim or the hero.
Using children as messengers: Narcissists often avoid direct communication and use the children to deliver messages, manipulate emotions, or spy on the other parent.

The Role of Children in Narcissistic Triangulation

When children are caught in the middle of a narcissist’s manipulation tactics, they often become pawns in the narcissist’s emotional games. The narcissist may try to align the children with their new supply to create division, or use the children to send subtle (or not-so-subtle) messages to the ex-partner. This can lead to confusion, insecurity, and emotional damage for the children.

Common Tactics Involving Children:

Favoritism and Devaluation: Narcissists might show preferential treatment to the children who praise or support their new partner, while emotionally punishing those who remain loyal to the ex-partner.
Love Bombing the Children: Narcissists may shower their children with gifts, attention, and praise, especially when the new supply is present, to gain favor and make the children feel indebted to them.
Alienation and Badmouthing: The narcissist may badmouth the other parent in front of the children, positioning the new supply as the “better” or “preferred” parent figure, which can lead to parental alienation.
Creating Jealousy: By praising the new partner in front of the children, the narcissist may intentionally try to create feelings of jealousy and competition between the ex-partner and the new supply, often making the children feel like they need to “choose sides.”

The Narcissist’s New Supply: The Triangulation Tool

The narcissist’s new partner, often referred to as the “new supply,” is also a key component in the triangulation dynamic. In the narcissist’s world, new supply serves multiple purposes—providing the narcissist with validation, admiration, and an opportunity to inflict emotional harm on the ex-partner.

Here’s how the narcissist might use their new supply in triangulation with children:

New Supply as the “Ideal Parent”: The narcissist may present their new partner as the “perfect” parent figure, encouraging the children to form a close bond with them, while diminishing the role of the biological parent.
Manipulating the New Supply: The narcissist may use the new partner to unknowingly (or sometimes knowingly) participate in the manipulation of the ex-partner and the children. The new partner may be encouraged to show off their relationship with the children, creating jealousy or insecurity for the ex.
Competition Between Partners: The narcissist enjoys creating a competition between the ex-partner and the new supply. This dynamic feeds their ego, as they remain the center of attention and control.

The Impact on Children

Children who are involved in narcissistic triangulation often suffer emotionally and psychologically. The emotional rollercoaster created by the narcissist’s manipulation can lead to confusion, anxiety, and loyalty conflicts. Children may feel torn between their parents or pressured to pick sides, which can have long-lasting effects on their self-esteem and sense of security.

Some of the potential impacts on children include:

Emotional Confusion: Children may struggle to understand the manipulation, feeling caught between the conflicting narratives of their parents. This can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, or anxiety.
Insecurity and Anxiety: The instability created by the narcissist’s triangulation can make children feel insecure about their relationships, unsure of where they stand with their parents and even their new step-parent.
Loyalty Conflicts: Children may feel pressured to choose between their parents or show allegiance to the new partner. This can damage their relationships with both parents and create emotional distress.
Trust Issues: Over time, being caught in the middle of a narcissist’s games can erode a child’s ability to trust others, as they grow wary of manipulation and dishonesty in relationships.

How to Protect Your Children from Narcissistic Triangulation

Dealing with a narcissist’s manipulation is challenging, but there are ways to minimize its impact on your children. Here are some strategies:

Open Communication with Your Children: Ensure that your children feel heard and understood. Encourage them to express their feelings and reassure them that they are not responsible for the tension between the parents.
Avoid Engaging in the Narcissist’s Games: Don’t fall into the trap of competing with the narcissist or their new supply. Maintain healthy boundaries and focus on providing stability and emotional security for your children.
Provide Emotional Stability: Be a consistent source of emotional support for your children. Narcissists thrive on creating chaos, so providing a stable, nurturing environment can help counteract their manipulation.
Educate Your Children (Age-Appropriately): Depending on their age, it may be helpful to educate your children about manipulation tactics without demonizing the other parent. Teach them how to identify when they are being used as pawns in a conflict and empower them to speak up.
Seek Professional Help: In some cases, the damage caused by narcissistic triangulation may require the intervention of a family therapist or counselor. Therapy can provide a safe space for children to process their emotions and learn coping strategies.

Conclusion

Triangulation with children, especially when a narcissist’s new supply is involved, is a toxic dynamic that can cause significant harm to both the ex-partner and the children. Recognizing the signs of triangulation and taking steps to protect your family is crucial. By fostering open communication, providing emotional stability, and avoiding the narcissist’s manipulative games, you can help shield your children from the emotional fallout of this destructive behavior.