Empathy is one of the core qualities that enables human connection. It allows us to understand and share the feelings of others, fostering deeper relationships and emotional bonds. For most people, empathy is a natural response, but for individuals with narcissistic tendencies—especially those who fall into the category of malignant narcissism—empathy is either absent or manipulated for personal gain. What happens, then, when a malignant narcissist attempts to define empathy? The result is often a twisted, self-serving version of the concept, distorted to fit their own agenda.
In this article, we’ll explore the nature of malignant narcissism, how such individuals perceive (or fail to perceive) empathy, and what to expect when a malignant narcissist attempts to define or display this vital emotional skill. By understanding their mindset, we can better protect ourselves from their manipulations and recognize the hollow facade behind their words.
Understanding Malignant Narcissism
Malignant narcissism is a severe form of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), blending the grandiosity, lack of empathy, and need for admiration seen in standard narcissism with antisocial behavior, aggression, and often a sadistic streak. Unlike more benign narcissists, who may seek admiration and validation through charm and superficial relationships, malignant narcissists go a step further—they take pleasure in manipulating, exploiting, and hurting others. They often have a desire for control and dominance, and they enjoy causing emotional harm or distress.
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Malignant narcissists are particularly dangerous because they combine the worst traits of narcissism with characteristics of sociopathy. This toxic mix makes them skilled at manipulation, prone to aggression, and devoid of remorse or guilt. In their relationships, they often cycle between charming and destructive behaviors, all while maintaining an inflated view of themselves. This makes their attempts to define or display empathy deeply flawed and self-centered.
How a Malignant Narcissist Views Empathy
For most people, empathy is about understanding and feeling the emotions of others. It’s an outward-looking emotion, focused on how someone else is experiencing the world. However, for a malignant narcissist, empathy—if they acknowledge it at all—is entirely self-referential. Their definition of empathy often revolves around how they believe they understand others’ feelings, but this “understanding” is usually twisted to serve their own purposes.
Rather than using empathy to connect with others, a malignant narcissist may:
- Use Empathy as a Tool for Manipulation: Malignant narcissists are astute observers of human behavior. While they may lack genuine empathy, they are often skilled at faking it. They can mimic emotional understanding when it serves their goals, especially if they want to manipulate someone into trusting or admiring them. They may feign concern, compassion, or understanding, only to later use the information they gather against their target.
- Twist Empathy to Fit Their Own Narrative: When attempting to define empathy, a malignant narcissist may turn the concept on its head. Instead of showing concern for others, they may claim that people need to understand their feelings more. They might accuse others of lacking empathy for them, despite their own behavior being cold, calculated, or cruel. This inversion allows them to position themselves as the victim, demanding attention and sympathy.
- Weaponize Empathy: A malignant narcissist might weaponize empathy by using your emotional sensitivity against you. They may define empathy in a way that implies you owe them something—more forgiveness, more understanding, or more leeway—while simultaneously showing no real empathy for your struggles or feelings. This tactic keeps the narcissist in control, as they can guilt you into compliance by accusing you of not being empathetic enough.
- Distort Empathy as Weakness: In some cases, malignant narcissists outright reject the concept of empathy, viewing it as a sign of weakness or inferiority. They may mock or belittle those who display genuine empathy, seeing such behavior as evidence of vulnerability. For them, empathy is something to be exploited in others rather than an emotional skill to develop within themselves.
What Happens When a Malignant Narcissist Tries to Define Empathy
Watching a malignant narcissist attempt to define empathy is a masterclass in psychological manipulation. Because their understanding of empathy is distorted and self-serving, their definition often reveals more about their own motivations than it does about the concept itself. Here are some common patterns you might observe when a malignant narcissist talks about empathy:
1. They Center Themselves in the Definition
For a malignant narcissist, everything is about them. Even when discussing something as outward-focused as empathy, they will likely center the conversation around their own experiences and needs. For example, instead of explaining empathy in terms of understanding others, they might say something like, “Empathy is when people understand what I’m going through,” or “People should be more empathetic to my struggles.”
In this version of empathy, the narcissist becomes the focal point, with no regard for the feelings or experiences of others. They may completely disregard the other person’s emotions, only caring about how they are perceived and whether their needs are being met.
2. They Deflect Responsibility
When asked about empathy, a malignant narcissist may deflect responsibility for their actions. Instead of acknowledging the impact of their behavior on others, they might say, “I have empathy, but no one understands me,” or “I’m empathetic, but people push me too far.”
This deflection shifts the blame onto others, framing the narcissist as a victim. They may also accuse others of lacking empathy, turning the conversation away from their own emotional deficits. This tactic is designed to avoid accountability while maintaining control over the narrative.
3. They Use Empathy as a Way to Manipulate
A malignant narcissist might describe empathy in a way that serves their manipulative agenda. For instance, they might say something like, “I can feel what others are feeling, and that’s why I know how to help them,” or “I understand emotions better than anyone else.” While this may sound convincing on the surface, what they are really saying is that they use this understanding to manipulate and control others. They
