Narcissists are known for their manipulative tactics, and one of the most confounding behaviors is the so-called “hoovering” technique. Named after the vacuum brand, hoovering describes how narcissists try to “suck” people back into their lives, often after long periods of no contact. Understanding why narcissists engage in this behavior can help protect yourself and maintain your emotional well-being.
What Is Hoovering?
Hoovering refers to a narcissist’s attempts to reestablish contact and pull someone back into their orbit after a period of separation or no contact. It often follows a pattern of silence or disappearance, during which the narcissist has seemingly moved on, leaving the victim to think the relationship is over. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, the narcissist reappears, often acting as though nothing has happened or offering apologies and promises of change.
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This tactic is rooted in the narcissist’s need for control, attention, and validation, which are often referred to as “narcissistic supply.”
Reasons Why Narcissists Hoover After Long Periods of No Contact
Loss of Narcissistic Supply
Narcissists thrive on attention, admiration, and control—what’s known as narcissistic supply. When they lose contact with someone who once provided them with that validation, they can experience a sense of emptiness or boredom. Even if they have found new sources of supply, those may not be enough to satisfy their constant need for attention. By hoovering, they attempt to regain the familiar supply that they once controlled, regardless of how much time has passed.
Need for Control
Narcissists view people as extensions of themselves, not as independent individuals with their own autonomy. When someone goes no contact, it represents a loss of control for the narcissist, which they deeply resent. By hoovering, they aim to regain control over the person and reassert their dominance, proving to themselves that they still hold power over their former victim.
Fear of Being Forgotten
Although narcissists may seem self-assured, many harbor deep insecurities. A period of no contact can lead them to fear that they are being forgotten or losing their significance in someone’s life. Hoovering is a way for them to reestablish their importance, ensuring that they still matter to the person they once manipulated.
Desire for Revenge or Punishment
Some narcissists hoover not out of a genuine desire to reconnect but as a form of revenge. They may feel slighted by the person’s decision to go no contact, and their return is an attempt to inflict emotional damage or regain the upper hand. They may initially come across as apologetic or kind, only to re-engage in manipulative or harmful behaviors once trust has been reestablished.
Boredom or Lack of Other Sources
Narcissists often cycle through relationships, seeking new sources of supply to satisfy their emotional needs. If they are between relationships or if their current sources aren’t fulfilling, they may hoover past partners or acquaintances to fill the void. Even if the narcissist has been gone for a long time, they may return simply because they are bored or looking for a distraction.
Testing Boundaries
Narcissists often test the boundaries of the people around them to see how far they can push without consequences. By hoovering after long periods of no contact, they may be checking whether the person has truly moved on or if they can still manipulate and control them. If the hoovering attempt is successful, it can embolden the narcissist to continue their toxic behavior.
How Narcissists Hoover
The tactics narcissists use when hoovering vary, but they often include:
Love-bombing: Sending messages filled with compliments, affection, or promises of change to lure the person back into the relationship.
Playing the victim: Claiming they are lonely, misunderstood, or going through a hard time to evoke sympathy.
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Guilt-tripping: Trying to make the person feel guilty for ending the relationship or going no contact, often accusing them of being selfish or heartless.
Reminiscing: Bringing up positive memories or good times shared in the past to reignite a sense of nostalgia and emotional connection.
Anger or aggression: Using intimidation or anger to force the person to respond or engage, sometimes resorting to threats or harassment.
Why It’s Important to Maintain No Contact
While a narcissist’s hoovering attempts may seem sincere or tempting, it’s crucial to recognize them for what they are—manipulative tactics to regain control. Allowing the narcissist back into your life, even after a long period of no contact, can reignite the toxic cycle of abuse and manipulation. Here are some reasons why maintaining no contact is essential:
Protect Your Emotional Health
Narcissistic abuse can cause long-lasting emotional harm, including low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. By maintaining no contact, you give yourself the space to heal from these effects and rebuild your sense of self-worth without the narcissist’s influence.
Break the Cycle
Narcissistic relationships often follow a pattern of idealization, devaluation, and discard. After a period of no contact, hoovering can restart this cycle, leading to further emotional damage. By refusing to engage, you break the cycle and regain control of your life.
Prevent Future Manipulation
Responding to hoovering can signal to the narcissist that they still have power over you, encouraging them to continue their manipulative behaviors. Maintaining no contact sends a clear message that you are no longer willing to be manipulated.
Focus on Your Own Growth
The period of no contact offers an opportunity for self-reflection, growth, and healing. It allows you to develop healthier relationships and focus on your own needs, rather than being consumed by the narcissist’s demands.
Conclusion
Narcissists hoover after long periods of no contact because they need validation, control, and attention. Whether driven by boredom, a desire for revenge, or a need to test boundaries, their hoovering attempts are manipulative and self-serving. Understanding these tactics can help you resist the urge to reengage and protect yourself from further emotional harm. By maintaining no contact and prioritizing your own well-being, you can break free from the toxic cycle of narcissistic abuse.
