I have something to confess. My girlfriend and I (both 18) are currently living in Singapore and finishing up at an international school.
Up until now, I’ve been lying to my girlfriend and saying I’m 100% interested in staying with her long distance when we go to different universities together in the fall, but my heart isn’t really in it.
She’s great — sweet, funny, athletic, playful, really family-oriented — but the idea of seeing her every few months, having to live on FaceTime when we’re so far apart, and not being able to truly enjoy the start of a new school and a new place is making me feel really uncomfortable.
Obviously, I think I really love her, but part of me worries that if I was completely in love with her, I wouldn’t even think about breaking up (or taking a break?) to study separately.
Should I tell her how I feel? I feel guilty for doubting it. Or should I just stick with it for a few months and see how I feel in a long distance relationship?
Hi, thanks for reaching out.
First, the fact that you’re thinking about your feelings regarding your relationship is definitely a good thing. In many cases, I would advise people to worry less about what the future holds, but in your case, I’ll be honest—you’re still young, and this transition from leaving home and going out into the world is a big step toward becoming an adult.
I’ll let you in on a little secret. I don’t share much of my history with readers (perhaps a huge mistake), but I was in a very similar situation to you when I was 18. Having started a long-distance relationship with my high school sweetheart, I tried to push aside all the fears I had about many of the same factors you’re feeling; living in an online relationship while juggling a new city and new friends seemed too daunting.
But I didn’t have the courage to tell him or end the relationship, so I gradually became more distant and colder until we accepted that it wasn’t working out.
Now, I have few regrets, but I wish I had acted on my instincts and ended the relationship before we both left for our separate colleges. Instead, I ruined the end of a relationship that was so good, when I think we could have parted ways in a more painful but healthy way…
And maybe we could have picked things up again at some point in our future.
While your situation is undoubtedly different from mine, perhaps you can learn something from the lesson I learned. Likewise, I think we need to make these mistakes ourselves sometimes in order to learn from them.
While I can pick things up again when it suits me, I would not advise you to try to put your girlfriend on hiatus until she decides you are interested in continuing things with her in the future. This is a very difficult mindset to have as you find yourself stuck in a kind of limbo, wondering how much you are talking about in the present, getting annoyed that the other person is moving on (if they are), and preventing true and independent growth.
Long-term relationships are very hard. For some, they work. But since you are already having concerns, I would strongly advise you to sit down and have an honest conversation with your girlfriend. Be kind but be honest, and tell her that you value your time together greatly but be clear about your doubts. This will give you the opportunity to step in and make an informed decision (hopefully on the same page) about what the future holds.
And who knows — maybe your paths will align at some point in the future.
But don’t cling to that possibility; commit to the present, and see what happens.
If you’re meant to be together, you’ll find a way to overcome these challenges together. If not, it’s imperative that you give each other the space to commit to your individual paths.
Sending love!
Evie
