Dear Evie,
I recently met my boyfriend’s family, and I’m not sure I want to continue the relationship after seeing how it is. We’ve been together for over two years but I’ve never visited his family before because they live quite far away. He invited me to spend the weekend with them and told me that today was his brother’s birthday and that the immediate family would be invited to celebrate the day and lunch. I’m usually a little nervous when meeting new people, but by no means so nervous that I couldn’t cope. However, I wasn’t prepared to meet over 40 people (family, relatives, family friends – pretty much anyone!), but I did my best to talk to everyone and make a good impression. I spent most of the day with my boyfriend so he could introduce me, but I don’t think I got too attached to him.
I may have been wrong, as his mother kept giving me disapproving looks and commenting that he needed to catch up with more of his extended family and how my following him was getting in the way of that. I tried not to defend myself at all, but still said it was a mutual decision, but was quickly silenced not only by my friend but also by his mother and some extended family members. I immediately felt so ashamed that I had to go to lunch feeling embarrassed and angry, with a bunch of disapproving looks around the table all directed in my direction. I spent most of the rest of the day in silence, trying not to upset anyone else, and later spoke to my friend. I said I was very disappointed that he hadn’t said anything to defend me, even siding with his mother, but he quickly closed the subject again and said I was being disrespectful. I never thought of him as a mother’s boy, but now I get the impression that he is, that he may not defend me to her, and that his entire family immediately dislikes me – what can I do!
First, let me say how sorry I am that you had such a stressful and frustrating experience meeting your friend’s family. It sounds so stressful, and the fact that he wasn’t there for you makes it even more painful. I’ve been there, not with 40+ people at a birthday lunch (yikes!), but certainly in situations where my partner’s family has made it clear that they’re not my biggest fans. Feeling unwanted, unappreciated, and inadequate is a feeling that can throw you off balance.
But here’s the thing: you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. You’ve walked into a situation where people outnumbered you and probably judged you before you even opened your mouth, and yet you’ve tried your best to be friendly and make a good impression. That takes courage and grace. So before you do anything else, give yourself some credit and allow yourself to feel hurt and disappointed. It’s okay to not be okay sometimes.
Once you’ve taken some time for yourself, it’s important to have a deeper conversation with your boyfriend. I know he shut you down the first time, but that can’t be ignored. Find a quiet moment – away from his family – and explain once again how their behavior and lack of support have made you feel. Be honest and vulnerable, but try to avoid accusations. Instead, focus on how their actions affected you and what you need from them in the future. Try to figure out their responses:
- Do they understand your perspective?
- Are they willing to discuss the issue with their family?
- Would they willingly support you if this happened again?
His response will likely tell you a lot about his personality and priorities.
In addition to an honest conversation, if future interactions with his family are unavoidable, talk to your boyfriend about setting boundaries. This might mean limiting the time you spend with them, opting out of large gatherings, or even having a conversation with his mom about her comments. This isn’t about being difficult or causing drama; it’s about protecting your emotional well-being. Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect.
This experience has given you some valuable insights into your boyfriend’s relationship with his family, and perhaps even a side of him that you haven’t seen before. It’s important to think about the bigger picture here. Does he prioritize your feelings and overall well-being? Is he willing to advocate for you, even when it’s hard? These are very important questions to ask yourself as you consider the future of your relationship. If he has a history of leaving you in the lurch when the going gets tough, you should think carefully about whether or not you want a partner who is not willing to stand by you (let alone stand by you!) at all. Finally, trust your gut. You mentioned that you’ve never seen him as a “momma’s boy” before. Pay attention to that instinct. Has this experience revealed something new? Do you feel safe and valued in the relationship? Your gut is often a powerful guide, so listen to it carefully.
You deserve to be loved and appreciated, both by your partner and by the people around them. If this relationship doesn’t give you that, it’s okay to walk away. It’s not your job to win a family that doesn’t want to accept you. You deserve love and happiness, and there are people out there who will see and appreciate you for the amazing woman you are.
Sending you lots of love and strength,
Evie
