Key Points
Narcissism is often difficult to recognize in people we know well.
A narcissistic parent is preoccupied with his “privacy,” expecting admiration and obedience.
Protect yourself from the ongoing toll of having a narcissistic parent.
John was overwhelmed when he came to me for therapy. He had just been elected president of the family business after his father had been fired for erratic behavior and numerous serious missteps. Now he was dealing not only with the demands of his new position but with his father’s constant demands for control.
The more John shared, the clearer it became that his father was probably a narcissist. When I showed John the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, he immediately knew that the label was appropriate. It was comforting to know that there was a well-established syndrome that encapsulated many of the challenging behaviors John experienced.
Related : 5 Steps To Finally Heal (And Move On) From Your Narcissist Parent
While having a name for the pattern of behaviors did not change his father, it made it easier for John to deal with it. Instead of feeling confused by his own domineering and entitlement, John could understand that these behaviors were part of his father’s narcissism.
Narcissism seems to be on everyone’s mind lately, with countless books and blog posts devoted to the topic. But it can be harder to recognize the hallmarks of narcissism in the people closest to us, including our parents. We may think of them as “annoying” or “difficult,” without realizing that we grew up with a narcissist.
Narcissism is defined in different ways; the signs below are based on the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder in the latest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, DSM-5.
- They exaggerate their abilities or accomplishments.
Their actual abilities don’t come close to their self-image as someone who is truly exceptionally talented. Part of their self-aggrandizement may involve putting you down.
- They constantly chase dreams of unlimited success, power, beauty, or brilliance.
Your parent craves the recognition that they feel is long overdue, and is busy achieving their own grandiose goals. They don’t just want average success—they want to be the next Elon Musk or Oprah Winfrey.
- They see themselves as so special that they should only be around other high-status people.
They may believe that only other “talented” people can truly have them. Interestingly, they may describe people they associate with, including their children, as “perfect” or “geniuses” to make themselves feel even more special. They also want to be associated with high-status or elite institutions and organizations (Harvard, Mensa).
- They seek admiration.
Despite or because of their inflated sense of self-importance, they have a very fragile ego, which becomes apparent whenever they feel slighted. For example, they may become upset and angry if their arrival at a party is not treated as the most important event of the evening. If others (including family members) do not like them enough, they may become sullen or angry.
- They feel entitled to obedience and special treatment.
A narcissistic parent acts as if the rules do not apply to them, and they constantly push people to make exceptions for them. They may become angry whenever someone does not comply with their wishes. Even now that you are a full adult, they may expect you to do what they say without question.
- They take advantage of others, even family members.
They are adept at getting others to serve their needs, and they ignore the impact of their demands on others. For example, they may expect you to help them with a project they are working on, even if it interferes with your work or plans.
- They lack empathy.
They cannot recognize other people’s needs, desires, priorities, or even their full personality. They focus all their energy and attention on their well-being. Even the smallest request to respect your needs is dismissed as “selfish.” They may talk endlessly about themselves, but they have no interest in hearing from you.
Even if they call you to talk about something good that happened in your life, they end up talking about themselves the entire time. Anything you tell them about your life they use as a springboard to launch into their next self-centered monologue. It is exhausting to interact with them.
- They envy others or think others envy them.
Your parent wants what others have, especially anything that indicates wealth, fame, or status. Their envy may extend to their children. They also assume that others are envious of their good fortune.
- They act arrogantly or haughtily.
It can be embarrassing to be around a narcissistic parent in public, where they talk down to waiters, criticize nurses, or show contempt for others. They see their special status as a license to be mean and condescending. You may often find yourself doing “damage control” in their wake, trying to be more considerate to make up for their behavior.
Related : Narcissist Parents Leave You Too Little — And Too Much Space
If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, it may be helpful to simply label their behavior patterns as narcissism, John found. Seeing their actions through the lens of narcissism can help you understand many of the things your mom or dad has done since you can remember.
While it’s good to show empathy for others, including your narcissistic parent, it’s also good to take care of yourself. You may need to limit contact with your parent, though there’s a good chance you’re already doing that.
It’s not a benign experience to grow up with a narcissist. Beware of your own self-critical thoughts, which are common among those who grew up with a narcissistic parent. Start to question the stories your mind is telling when you’re being too hard on yourself, as I describe in Mindful Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
