When it comes to relationships, it’s not always men who act badly.
Relationships are a two-way street, after all. Both partners—regardless of gender—deserve respect.
But we’re talking about men specifically on this blog, so here are five behaviors men shouldn’t put up with, according to psychology.
1) Constant Criticism Isn’t Cool
Some people may think that occasionally criticizing their partners is healthy and that it’s a nudge—or a direct push—to get them to improve.
You might ask your husband to tuck his shirt in better, sit up straighter, or do something about that protruding belly.
On the one hand, you’re not his mother, and on the other hand, your partner isn’t his child.
What might happen is that he ends up moving in with another partner.
Relationship therapist and researcher John Gottman says that constant criticism can be so damaging that it can predict an impending divorce.
Experts also say it can be disastrous for unmarried couples.
“Criticism is when a complaint is expressed as a character flaw,” says Zach Brittle, a Seattle-based therapist and host of the Marriage Therapy Radio podcast.
But if we’re constantly pointing out our partner’s flaws, it says a lot more about us than it does about them, says relationship coach Kyle Benson.
“It’s much easier to lash out at your partner by telling them they’re the one with the problem than it is to drop your shield or criticize and say, ‘My needs aren’t being met, help me,’” Benson writes in his blog, Criticism Kills Relationships: Why It’s Toxic.
If you have a habit of attacking and criticizing your partner no matter what they do — whether it’s the way they dress, their sexuality, their job, their family and friends, an aspect of their personality, or their sensitivity — it could be a form of emotional abuse, experts say.
2) Disrespect is a surefire way to end a relationship
Many years ago, I was working with someone who was having a hard time adjusting to marriage.
Melanie (not her real name) was newly married and had left her friends and family in Oklahoma to be with her husband, who lived a thousand miles outside of Toronto.
Her husband, Matt, was a docile man who was often willing to please her. Whenever Melanie complained about her new job in education and how different the Canadian system was from the United States, Matt would listen. Patience and support.
The stress of moving, being newly married, and missing her family and friends back home manifested itself in complaints about her new life. It seemed like everything in her new life was bothering her. Matt included.
Suddenly, nothing he did was good enough.
The more patient he was with her, the more problematic her behavior toward him became.
Finally, Matt had had enough.
I remember Melanie telling me Matt’s words as if they were yesterday.
“My name may be Matt, but that doesn’t mean I’m just a mat,” he said in a businesslike tone. “Something has to change or this marriage will be over before it even begins.”
It was a turning point. Melanie began to take responsibility for her behavior and began to find ways to better adapt to her new life.
She didn’t want to destroy her relationship with Matt.
Matt’s advocacy and expressing what he refused to tolerate in their relationship helped the couple start over on a better footing.
3) A relationship shouldn’t be based on coercive control
In 2015, a survey called the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey found that 36.6 million women and 33.1 million men in the United States will experience some form of coercive control by an intimate partner during their lifetime.
Coercive control can be anything from monitoring a partner’s activities, such as who they communicate with and even what they wear.
It can also be demanding access to their phones, computers, and email accounts.
“They may also try to convince their partner that they want to check in on them because they love them,” says Louise Morales-Brown of Medical News Today. “However, this behavior is not part of a healthy or loving relationship.”
Coercive control can also involve isolating the other person, adds Morales-Brown.
“Insults undermine a person’s self-esteem,” she says. “This can include name-calling, highlighting a person’s insecurities, or belittling them.”
4) Controlling jealousy is also “can’t-do-it-yourself jealousy”
There’s jealousy and there’s controlling jealousy.
So what’s the difference?
Jealousy—while it has a negative connotation—is very human.
For example, it can be easy to feel a twinge of jealousy if you catch your man talking to an attractive woman across the room at a party.
You know nothing’s going on. But you can’t help but feel a wave of jealousy wash over you like, well, mud.
Controlling jealousy, on the other hand, is the act of controlling someone because of feelings of jealousy.
“If your partner is so jealous that they try to stop you from doing certain things, that’s not okay,” says Emily Brady of Family Share. “It’s understandable if your partner doesn’t like you sitting down to lunch with an ex, but if they won’t let you go to lunch with friends, that’s a big red flag,” Brady says.
Your partner should trust you and your relationship enough to let you be your person, even when they’re not around.
5) Always Being Accused of Cheating
Many men in dysfunctional relationships are routinely accused of cheating — even when they’ve done nothing of the sort and there’s no reason to suspect them.
It’s a different story if certain aspects of your relationships with other people make your partner uncomfortable (which is when you should listen to their concerns and assess how hurtful your behavior is).
But experts say that if your partner is acting out their insecurities alone, it’s crucial.
“Projection is a very low-level coping skill,” says clinical psychologist Paul DePompo, PsyD, ABPP. “People who do things like cheat, think about cheating, or have cheated in the past, project these thoughts of desire onto their partners. They end up creating a reality that their partner is cheating on them, too.”
