Hi Evie, I recently found messages from my boyfriend’s best friend that were making me feel uncomfortable. In context, they have been best friends for years. That’s why I’ve never had a problem with them hanging out or texting each other frequently. She was in a relationship until earlier this year and has now been single for a while. At first, their friendship continued normally, but recently I’ve noticed that she’s been texting me more and wanting to see my boyfriend more often. Then I found messages telling him that he’s the best thing in her life and she doesn’t know what she’d do without him. He pretty much said the same thing in return. I’ve also noticed that they’ve been texting each other late at night with lots of heart emojis (my boyfriend told me he finds it childish to use emojis but not with her!). I confronted him about these conversations and he got defensive. He doesn’t see anything wrong with it and tells me I’m feeling insecure. Am I? My gut tells me that they’re falling in love with each other, but neither of them is admitting it. I’m confused and hurt. We’ve been together for 5 years and I thought he was the one until all of this happened. – Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
From woman to woman – Your gut feeling is probably right! However, romantic relationships intertwined with close friendships can be very difficult, especially when the boundaries become blurred. Your feelings of discomfort and betrayal are valid, and it’s important to address those feelings head-on.
First, let’s acknowledge the red flags in your situation. Late-night text messages, heart emojis, and declarations of being “the best thing in her life,” are not typical of a platonic friendship, especially given your friend’s refusal to use emojis with you. This shift in behavior suggests that their dynamic may be changing in a way that’s impacting your relationship.
Your friend’s defensiveness when confronted is another red flag. When someone is truly innocent and their intentions are pure, they will usually respond with understanding and a willingness to reassure their partner. Dismissing your feelings as insecurity without addressing the root cause is not a supportive or empathetic response.
Here’s what you need to do:
Trust your gut: Your gut is telling you something important. It’s easy to dismiss these feelings as mere jealousy, but often our instincts pick up on subtle signals that our conscious mind might miss.
Set boundaries: Communicate clearly about your boundaries and expectations in the relationship. It’s important to have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about what makes you uncomfortable and why. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without sounding accusatory, such as, “I feel hurt and disrespected when I see heart emojis and late-night text messages.”
Seek clarity: Ask your boyfriend to explain the nature of his relationship with his best friend. If he values your relationship, he should be willing to discuss this openly and make adjustments to reassure you.
Watch actions: Words can be deceiving, but actions are often revealing. Pay attention to how he responds to your concerns. Does he make an effort to set boundaries with his boyfriend? Does he consider your feelings, or does he continue to ignore them?
Self-esteem: Remember, your emotional health is paramount. If your boyfriend continues to invalidate your feelings and prioritize his friendship over your relationship, it’s time to reevaluate your partnership. A healthy relationship shouldn’t make you feel insecure and marginalized.
Think about the bigger picture: After discussing your feelings and observing his actions, consider whether this relationship aligns with your values and long-term happiness. Being with someone who truly respects and supports you is crucial to a satisfying relationship.
Ultimately, you deserve a partner who values your feelings and is willing to make you a priority. If you still feel uncomfortable and hurt after honest communication and effort, it’s time to consider whether this relationship is right for you.
Best wishes,
Evie
