Hi Evie. My girlfriend of 2 years (29) and I have been having a lot of trouble with other women. The first year everything was great but then I started noticing that she has problems whenever I meet a friend or even talk to another woman in front of her (like a waitress or a staff member at a store). She says I’m being too friendly and that it comes off as flirty. But I’m not flirting, I think I act the same way with guys. I’ve tried asking my girlfriend where this jealousy comes from because I’ve never done anything to break her trust but she refuses to see it as “her problem”. She says I’m just like any other guy and will end up cheating on me eventually. Last week my cousin came to stay with me from out of town. Mind you I grew up with this cousin and consider her my little sister. We were having fun and ended up wrestling in the park, my older sister joined in and everyone was laughing except my girlfriend. She freaked out when we got home and accused me of having a crush on my cousin. I felt sick and tried to defend myself but she wouldn’t listen. How can I reach out to her? – Andy, UK
Dear Andy,
Thank you for writing. You’re stuck in a difficult and emotionally draining situation. Your friend’s jealousy and accusations are creating a rift that could irreparably damage your relationship. Let’s dig into what’s going on and how you can navigate this tricky area.
First, let’s acknowledge the truth about your friend’s feelings. Her jealousy and mistrust likely stem from deep-seated insecurities and perhaps past experiences where trust has been broken. While these feelings are valid, it’s important to remember that it’s her responsibility to manage them, not yours to fix them.
You mentioned that your friend refuses to see this as “her problem.” This is a major warning sign. A healthy relationship requires both partners to take responsibility for their feelings and work together to find solutions. If she continues to project her concerns onto you without addressing the root cause, it’s going to be an uphill battle.
You’ve already tried to reassure her and communicate openly, which is commendable. However, her accusations against your cousin are a clear sign that her jealousy is escalating to an irrational level. It’s not just that you’re “too friendly” anymore; it’s that she has a deep-seated lack of trust in her.
Here’s a hard truth: You can’t “get along” with her if she’s unwilling to confront her issues. You need to recognize that her behavior is toxic and take steps to address it, perhaps with the help of a therapist. You can support her, but you can’t do the work for her.
At the same time, you need to set clear boundaries. Let her know that you won’t accept being unfairly accused or constantly scrutinized in normal social interactions. It’s important to protect your mental health and self-esteem.
Consider having a frank conversation about how her jealousy is affecting you and the relationship. Make it clear to her that while you understand that she may be struggling with insecurities, the current situation is unsustainable. Suggest that she seek professional help to address her trust issues.
If she refuses to acknowledge the problem or take steps to improve it, you need to seriously evaluate whether this relationship is right for you. Love alone isn’t enough to sustain a relationship; Mutual trust and respect are paramount.
Remember that you deserve to be with someone who trusts you and respects your interactions with others. Don’t let her insecurities dictate your behavior or isolate you from friends and family. Stay true to yourself and don’t compromise your integrity to assuage her fears.
Ultimately, it’s up to her to do the work to overcome her jealousy. If she’s not willing to do that, you may need to make the difficult decision to move on for the sake of your well-being.
Stay strong and prioritize your mental health and happiness.
Evie
