Key Points

A person who recognizes their partner’s preferred love language may be able to enhance or manipulate the relationship.
A narcissist may manipulate their partner’s love language to avoid accountability and inflict guilt.
Empathy and accountability are at the core of the relationship.

Acts of service, words of affirmation, giving and receiving gifts, physical touch, and quality time are five types of affection identified by Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages. Often, a person will prefer one style of affection over another. For example, words of affirmation may be more important to a partner than receiving a gift. A person who recognizes their partner’s preferred love language may be able to enhance the relationship. While this concept is useful, it can be easily manipulated by a narcissist.

A narcissistic partner may misuse this theory because they lack basic relational abilities. For example, let’s say that love languages ​​are like the beautiful iron on a bridge connecting two people. To be seen and admired, the bridge must be structurally sound to support the connection as well as the decorative bars. If the bridge is not stable, the ironwork may be irrelevant. Although love language theory aims to strengthen the romantic bond, a relationship without a healthy foundation may not be able to support the beautiful decorations.

Empathy and Accountability

Empathy and accountability are the essence of a relationship. A person who possesses these abilities is usually able to maintain closeness in a relationship. An empathetic partner cares about a person’s feelings and usually listens to understand. A partner who understands a person’s experience and perspective often prevents a person from feeling alone in their ordeal. A person also feels connected to a partner who “gets it.” A partner who consistently fails to acknowledge a person’s emotional experience in a relationship may lack empathy.

A lack of empathy in a partner may be evident when a person shares a feeling with a partner who is not interested in hearing it. Often, the partner becomes very defensive and responds with an unfair attack. The person is punished for expressing a feeling that the partner does not like and is unfairly accused of something unrelated to the current conflict.

For example, Jim’s mother, Ann, arrives for dinner. Jim’s partner, Pete, is making Ann’s favorite meal from scratch. During dinner, Ann complains about the wine and does not help clean up. When Ann leaves, she thanks Jim but does not acknowledge Pete’s efforts. Later that evening, Pete mentions the matter to Jim. Jim asks why he did not say anything to his mother. Jim is silent for a moment and then says, “Gosh, I can see how that might hurt your feelings. I should have said something. I’m sorry. Next time, I’ll be honest.”

Instead, Jim responds defensively, “What are you talking about? She said thank you! What’s the big deal? You didn’t invite her to your birthday party. She probably thinks you’re being rude.” This response shows Jim’s inability to consider Pete’s feelings. Instead, he feels upset and tries to shift the blame.

The first part of this scenario also demonstrates responsibility. Jim takes responsibility for a relationship mistake without justification or justification. He fully owns his insensitive moment and feels bad for neglecting Beth. He also conveys a desire to avoid the mistake in the future. His ability to take responsibility for himself maintains trust in the relationship.

Using Love Languages ​​to Exploit Someone

A partner who operates in a relationship without empathy and accountability may not be able to maintain emotional closeness. He often acts selfishly and manipulates his partner. Instead of using love language to strengthen the relationship, he may use love language to exploit.

For example, Shelly forgets to attend Tim’s awards ceremony. She also makes several large purchases without consulting Tim. When Tim tries to talk to Shelly, she escalates things and tells him that he deserves it because he got too drunk at their wedding five years ago. That evening, Shelly wants to be intimate, but Tim is upset. He rejects her advances. Shelly reminds him that physical touch is her love language. Tim feels compelled to agree because he wants to be a loving partner.

Another example involves Paul and Andrea. Paul enjoys working on cars. He also realizes that Andrea’s love language is an act of service. One day, he changes Andrea’s oil for her. Two weeks later, Paul forgets Andrea’s birthday for the second time. Instead of apologizing, Paul says, “Come on, honey, don’t be mad.” I changed your oil. Who helps you like this?” Paul uses service to escape accountability and justify abusive behavior.

While the concept of love languages ​​highlights ways to enhance a relationship, it can be useless in the absence of emotional closeness. Without empathy and accountability, love languages ​​can become irrelevant. Additionally, a selfish and manipulative partner may exploit the love language model to mask their inability to truly feel close.