There is a trend I have noticed where people confuse the ideas of undiagnosed people with narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, sociopathy, psychopathy, abusive villains, etc. Assuming someone does have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), it can be very helpful to understand why they are reacting the way they do. For example, when someone asks why a narcissist is “so good at psychological torture” or how they “only know how to hurt others,” it is important to clarify some information about this complex diagnosis to answer these difficult questions.
Why Are Narcissists So Good at Psychological Torture?
As a therapist who specializes in diagnosing and treating personality disorders, I can tell you that most narcissists are not particularly gifted in any aspect of interpersonal relationships, whether positive or negative. They are not inherently better at torturing you than someone else, nor are they better at seducing you. For a person to torture, seduce, or otherwise manipulate another person, they must have a keen awareness of the other person, be able to read their emotions, accurately predict how they will respond, plan how to act regardless of their feelings at that moment and remain grounded in the emotional state of another person, putting them before their own.
Most narcissists are so focused on their feelings that they are not very concerned with the feelings of another person. However, I often see narcissists who feel narcissistically injured and want to get back at another person when they feel threatened, embarrassed, humiliated, or disrespected in some way. Because of their frequent dichotomy (seeing another person as either completely good or completely bad based on their feelings at that moment), they can swing between extremes of emotion with very little warning, which can feel quite emotionally torturing to someone they are emotionally attached to.
This pattern is often more painful than being with someone who is consistently terrible because if they are consistently terrible, the other person is likely to end the relationship. When a narcissist experiences you as special and wonderful (because they feel special and wonderful in your presence), it can be very intoxicating. However, the moment you do something they find annoying, hurtful, embarrassing, etc., they are likely to suddenly treat you horribly with very little regard for your feelings. This emotional rollercoaster tends to be the part of the relationship that others find the most torturous.
How do they know how to hurt you?
A person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder usually doesn’t know “how to hurt you.” People with this disorder are extremely sensitive to feelings of humiliation, worthlessness, insecurity, and shame. When they feel this way, they often blame others for their feelings, so “it’s all your fault.” This often leads them to narcissistically express their negative feelings toward the person who hurt them, who they now see as the cause. Additionally, they don’t recognize their role in the situation, don’t empathize emotionally when they’re angry with you, and struggle to think through their strong feelings without immediately expressing them. This unfortunate combination often leads to a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder being more callous than someone without the disorder who has greater empathy and is better able to remember their previous positive feelings toward someone, even when they’re hurt or angry in the moment.
If someone acts this way, does that mean they’re a narcissist?
No. It’s important to remember that just because someone is emotionally abusive to you doesn’t necessarily mean they are a narcissist. They may have another personality disorder such as borderline personality disorder, no disorder, simply be an abusive person or any number of other explanations. Whether or not they have a personality disorder doesn’t excuse emotionally abusive behavior. However, understanding the diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be helpful for people who are confused about “how someone could act this way,” or are experiencing the emotional pain of being involved with a narcissist who is acting out in the moment. For those who want to continue a relationship with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it can be extremely helpful to understand why the person acts the way they do, how to set appropriate boundaries, and how to avoid feeling deeply hurt by their abusive behavior every time.
ThePointIs…
Narcissists aren’t necessarily experts at hurting others, but that doesn’t mean that others don’t feel hurt. People with narcissistic personality disorder constantly feel hurt by their narcissistic personality, lack emotional empathy for others, and have difficulty maintaining any positive feelings toward someone when they are hurt or angry at them in the moment. So it’s not that narcissists are inherently more gifted at hurting others, it’s just that they’re usually more determined.
