There’s something most people don’t know. After spending over 40 years listening to my clients talk about their love lives, I’ve learned an interesting fact:
Most people choose romantic partners who are roughly on par with them in terms of understanding how to maintain intimacy.
It’s similar to when we were in elementary school. Our teachers would group us into reading groups. For example, everyone in the “Chickadees” was able to read at roughly the same level. Not everyone in the group had the same reading problems, but everyone was at roughly the same level in terms of their reading skills.
Intimacy Skill Groups: Relationships also require skills, such as learning how to negotiate differences, communicate, forgive each other after a fight, etc. I think this is our “intimacy skill group.” I’ve found that people tend to subconsciously group themselves into groups based on their level of intimacy skills. Very few people choose partners who are a half-step above or below them in terms of their ability to maintain a successful relationship. If someone is too high on our level of intimacy skills, they are likely to find us boring and difficult. If they are too low on our level, we are likely to disinterest them for the same reasons.
Borderline and narcissistic disorders share some of the same intimacy problems
People in both groups lack what therapists call “whole object relations” and “object constancy.”
Whole object relations: “Whole object relations” is the ability to see both good and bad qualities of a person simultaneously and to accept the presence of both. This ability typically develops during early childhood through imitating your parents and, more importantly, through being seen realistically and accepted and loved as you are by your parents, despite your flaws. This ability can be acquired later if the person is motivated enough and receives appropriate psychotherapy.
In the absence of “whole object relations,” people alternate between two extreme and unrealistic views of themselves and others: either “completely good” or “completely evil.” Instead of integrating these two visions when they see something that shows the other person is not entirely good, they simply switch to seeing the person as entirely evil—and vice versa.
In both cases, they also temporarily forget all of the history associated with the now-out-of-consciousness aspect. So, if they see you as “all good,” they only remember things that support that vision. And when they see you as “all evil,” they only remember things that support that vision. Because these two visions are so extreme and inaccurate, they are inherently unstable and can sometimes shift back and forth rapidly in the space of a day.
Object Constancy: “Object constancy” has two main parts:
The ability to maintain positive feelings toward someone while feeling hurt, disappointed, frustrated, or angry toward that person.
The ability to maintain a sense of emotional attachment to someone who is no longer there. This includes the ability to remember their face and other important features that you associate with that person. Without it, the person is literally: out of sight and out of mind.
The lack of “object constancy” is a result of the lack of “full relationships with objects.”
Full relationships and object constancy can be considered intimate skills
According to the object relations school of thought about personality disorders, the lack of “full relationships and object constancy” is the hallmark of all personality disorders. This means that the lack of both is a hallmark of the existing intimate skill set of people with personality disorders. This mutual lack of “complete relationships and objective constancy” actually increases the likelihood that two people with a personality disorder (including someone with narcissistic adjustment and someone with borderline adjustment) will fall in love with each other, and decreases the likelihood that either of them will fall in love with someone who does not have a personality disorder—all other things being equal.
Note: In this article, I use the terms “borderline” and “narcissistic” as shorthand for people who have made certain types of adaptations to their early home environments that have persisted into adulthood as a series of thought patterns, behaviors, and life strategies that are commonly referred to as Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. No offense intended. In my opinion, people do not have Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissism; that is the name given to their current relationship style and approach to life.
Narcissists and people with borderline personality disorder form intense and rapid romantic relationships
Narcissists and people with borderline personality disorder also have something else in common that makes them tend to choose each other: They can form intense romantic relationships quickly based on very little information about the other person. Most people who do not have borderline personality disorder or narcissism tend to take their time when deciding whether their new lover is “the one.” My clients with borderline personality disorder and narcissism often bond immediately when they barely know each other.
They tend to do this for a variety of reasons:
Borderline reason: Many people with borderline personality disorder live for love. They use the connection with someone as a remedy for feelings of emptiness, anxiety, and loneliness. They are what I consider “clingers.” They form intense and rapid romantic relationships and resist any information that suggests they should break up because this person is the wrong partner. The idea of breaking up triggers their underlying fears of abandonment, so they find reasons not to leave.
When things go wrong, as they often do when someone with BPD marries someone with NPD, it’s their BPD partner who usually has the most trouble leaving the relationship. This is because they’re so conflicted: one side is completely rational and knows the relationship isn’t working and they need to leave, while the other side is too afraid to take the step of leaving because it means they’ll be alone again. Many people with BPD feel unable to cope with everyday adult life, and being with someone—almost anyone—can make them feel safer than being alone.
Example: Maria, Benny, and the Bridge
Maria is a somewhat submissive woman with BPD who suffers from severe anxiety. She tends to develop a phobia that limits how far away her home is from her husband, Benny. Benny is a verbally abusive, controlling narcissist who loves Maria to rely on him a lot.
Maria entered therapy with the specific goal of finding the strength within herself to leave Benny. Maria complained that Benny was cruel, controlling, and emotionally unavailable. They had little in common except the jobs they did for each other. Benny tolerated her fears and weaknesses because he enjoyed being the strong one. It fed his self-esteem. Maria tolerated Benny’s controlling ways because she felt incapable of shaping her own life. As long as Benny made all the decisions, she was free to be as helpless and dependent as she pleased. Maria said in their first session that she no longer wanted that kind of relationship. She could imagine something better for herself with a kinder, less critical man.
Things went well for a few sessions. Then, as Maria was making a realistic plan to leave, she suddenly developed a fear of driving across bridges without someone in the car with her. The more afraid she became, the more attached she became to Benny. Her fear of crossing bridges alone was a metaphor for Maria’s entire life. Activating the self and deciding to leave Benny was the equivalent of crossing the bridge alone. As Maria’s plan to leave became more realistic, her latent feelings of inadequacy, hidden memories of early abandonment, and deep-seated need for attachment began to surface and manifest as this phobia. The phobia made her more dependent on Benny than ever before because he was the “driver” in her life. Maria and I quickly realized that she would need therapy to refocus on these old emerging issues now if she ever wanted to be able to stand on her own and take charge of her life.
The Narcissistic Reason: Narcissists choose their lovers based on whether the person will boost their self-esteem. Because they still need to boost their self-esteem, they have no incentive to wait to get to know the person better. The things that attract narcissists are not the other person’s enduring personality traits or even compatibility. As long as the person is highly regarded in their eyes and they find the person attractive, they are usually willing to move forward with the relationship at full speed. Unfortunately, because their genuine interest in the person is so superficial, they often leave the relationship as abruptly as they started it.
Narcissists and People with Borderline Personality Disorder Want Different Things from a Relationship
Narcissists and people with borderline personality disorder can fall in love, but they are likely to expect very different things from the relationship to the point that the relationship is unlikely to be successful in the long term.
Narcissists Want Constant Self-Esteem Boosting – People with borderline personality disorder want constant, unconditional love
Narcissists want their partner to boost their sense of self-esteem, while people with borderline personality disorder want constant reassurance that they are loved. Both sets of needs may be met in the early honeymoon phase of a relationship, but they are less likely to be met as they become more accustomed to being with each other.
Example – Artie and Jane
Artie, an exhibitionist narcissist from a working-class background, was immediately drawn to Jane, a very sexy, high-functioning woman from a wealthy family. He considered Jane to be perfect and thought that being in a relationship with someone so perfect would be heaven.
He pursued Jane for months, showering her with gifts and romantic dinners, and constantly professing his devotion and complete love for her.
Jane was less confident than she seemed and loved that Artie was upfront and clear about his love for her. The sex was great because he was eager to please her and seemed to be able to anticipate exactly what she might enjoy without her having to say a word.
The two of them were very happy for the first few months of their time together. Then, as time went on, they got to know each other better.
Now that Artie felt he had “owned” Jane, he began to be less concerned with proving his devotion. He also began to notice that Jane was not the flawless, perfect woman he had initially assumed. Since Artie was a narcissist, seeing Jane’s flaws made him stop idealizing her. This led to him becoming more neglectful of her, less overtly loving, and starting to mention things he wanted her to do for him—like do his laundry and grocery shopping.
Jane began to feel angry, insecure and unloved as Artie’s overt displays of love for her decreased and his demands increased. She alternated between clinging to Artie, demanding hugs and reassurance of his love, and angrily withdrawing. She began flirting with other men in Artie’s presence in the hopes of making him jealous and more loving.
Artie felt annoyed when Jane became clingy and insecure, and became angry when she flirted with other men. Neither of them had the relationship skills to calmly talk about this. Instead, mutual disappointment caused each other to treat each other poorly and their fights escalated. Needless to say, the relationship soon came to an ugly end with each blaming the other for everything that went wrong.
Bottom line: Borderline and narcissistic individuals often fall in love because they are on roughly the same level when it comes to “intimacy skills.” Both are likely to be in the early stages of learning how to successfully maintain intimate relationships. At first, everything may seem blissful because they both share the ability to have quick and intense romantic relationships without looking closely at the other person’s true character. They are likely to both believe that they will get exactly what they have been craving from their new romantic partner. They see each other as a dream come true. Unfortunately, as the relationship progresses, their fundamental differences in how they approach life and what they want from each other, and their lack of “complete objective relationships” and “objective constancy,” make their relationship inherently unstable and unlikely to last. There is an old saying that applies here: A bird and a fish can fall in love, but how will they be able to build a life together?
