I think this has happened gradually over the years. We’ve been together for about 4 years and everything has been pretty much flawless, but my girlfriend has always had a bad habit of putting me down.
It started with little comments about how I could be taller or how I’m so skinny, but a few weeks ago she exploded out of nowhere on what was supposed to be a fun date night. She said her coworkers were making fun of her about my appearance, said she felt really out of place, and then stayed upset with me for the rest of the evening, even though I hadn’t done anything to upset her.
I’m not the most confident guy in the world, but I’m not the most insecure either. However, after her comments, I feel more self-conscious and awkward around her and myself. I don’t understand why she says these things. I’m always very reserved, even when we argue, and I rarely say anything hurtful to her. Is there any way to salvage this given how long we’ve been together or have I reached a dead end? – Sam, Utah
Dear Sam,
Thank you for reaching out and sharing what you’re going through. Your friend’s “jokes” aren’t going over well, and they’re starting to sound more like low blows than lighthearted banter. You sound like you’re in a tough spot, and I can understand why you feel hurt and uncertain about the future of your relationship.
The fact that this major red flag in behavior came so slowly over four years is a bit puzzling. Perhaps she’s always had “fixing” tendencies, or perhaps her insecurities have been festering under the surface all this time. Either way, no one deserves to be insulted or made to feel insecure, especially by someone they love and trust. Her comments about your appearance are beyond disrespectful and hurtful, and, understandably, you feel embarrassed and ashamed as a result.
Secondly, to address the “why are you saying these nasty things” aspect, it’s important to realize that this isn’t about your appearance or your worth at all. Your friend’s insecurities are her issue to deal with; she’s currently getting back at you, and it’s not your responsibility to fix them. The sad truth is that hurt people hurt others. There’s no justification for the hurtful and hurtful things she said, but there’s likely something inside her that’s triggering the comments, and she’s chosen not to be transparent about them. However, the way you choose to handle them is negatively affecting you, and that’s something you have every right to address.
Now, as to whether or not there’s hope for your relationship, it’s ultimately up to you and your girlfriend to decide. You’ve been together for four years, which suggests there’s a foundation of love and connection there. But that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate disrespectful behavior, especially if you can’t see her changing.
Here’s what I suggest:
Communicate: Sit down with her and tell her honestly that her comments hurt you. Explain how her words make you feel and that it’s not okay for her to be the object of her attention. Be prepared for some defensiveness, but if she truly values you, she’ll listen and make an effort to change.
Set boundaries: If a heart-to-heart conversation doesn’t work, it’s time to lay down the law. Tell her that you won’t tolerate any more insults or snarky comments. Explain to her that if she continues this behavior, it will seriously damage your relationship. It’s a tough conversation, but sometimes tough love is what’s needed.
Evaluate the situation: If she’s not willing to change or even acknowledge your feelings, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship. Four years is a long time, but it’s not worth sacrificing your self-esteem. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel confident and loved, not someone who constantly belittles your self-worth.
Ultimately, the decision is yours. But remember, you’re not responsible for her insecurities, and you shouldn’t have to deal with being treated like a second-class appendage. You deserve love and respect, so don’t settle for less.
Sending you positive vibes and a real shout-out for having the courage to speak up!
Evie
