It was a sunny Thursday afternoon when I first realized that my mother was too dependent on me.
I had just finished talking to my therapist who had casually mentioned it (just as the session was winding down) and my mind was spinning…
“That’s right,” I thought, as memories of situations I once considered “normal” flashed back to me, and the ugly truth of our relationship stared me in the face.
I had researched a lot about codependency in couples, and even friends, but for some reason, the idea that a mother (or father) might be too dependent on their child had never occurred to me.
And yet, I was living this experience.
So what exactly were the behaviors and signs to watch out for? From the outside, our mother-daughter relationship seemed pretty normal.
But as I’ve learned by now, that’s far from the truth.
Let’s start with the most obvious sign:
1) You’re struggling to give yourself the freedom you need as an adult
At some point, we all need to leave the nest. Making our own decisions (and mistakes) is a very important part of growing up and finding our way in the world.
This is admittedly a difficult time for parents. They need to let us fly and trust that they have taught us well.
But if your mom seems to be tightening her grip instead of loosening it, this is a clear sign of codependency.
She may insist on taking you to places that you can go completely alone. She may feel like she has a say in who you can or can’t date.
For me, this comes in the form of a need for “check-ins” every day.
My mom often mentions that she won’t sleep if I don’t text her every night, completely ignoring the fact that I’m a 31-year-old married woman living abroad!
This, if you haven’t already guessed, is a sign of emotional manipulation, which brings me to my next point:
2) She’s emotionally manipulating you
Guilt. Emotional blackmail. Shame. Whatever your mom likes, if she makes you feel bad when you don’t get what you want, she’s unhealthily dependent on you.
I know this can be hard to accept, especially if you come from a culture where this kind of behavior is common, where it’s normal for parents to feel guilty for forcing their children into submission (I say this coming from a South Asian background).
But it’s not a sign to be taken lightly.
Let’s say you want to spend a night out with your friends. Your mom puts on her best grumpy face and casually remarks, “Go have fun. I’m used to being alone anyway.”
Of course, in this situation, it’s normal to feel bad.
But what’s happening here is toxic. There’s no getting around this fact.
Your mom knows the strings to pull, and she’s not afraid to manipulate your emotions to get what she ultimately wants.
3) She’s Overly Intrusive In Your Personal Life
It’s great to have a parent who cares about your personal life, even as an adult, and we all want that close bond and support that comes with sharing our ups and downs in life.
But what happens when your mom is overly intrusive?
This takes away your independence and effectively makes her controlling.
I remember when a family friend of mine split up with her husband.
Her mother (who happens to be my mother’s best friend, right?) intervened in the situation by calling all of her son-in-law’s friends and family to complain about his behavior toward her daughter.
This was extremely embarrassing for my friend who simply wanted to handle the divorce gracefully and with dignity.
Well, that went out the window!
As you can see, it’s natural for a mother to provide emotional support during difficult times, but if she’s interfering in your affairs or imposing her opinions on what you should do with your life, that’s not healthy.
Often, this is demonstrated by how well boundaries are (or aren’t) set…
4) She doesn’t respect your boundaries
Here’s the scenario:
You’re visiting your mom, and she barges into your room without knocking. You’ve asked her repeatedly to knock or call your name before entering, but she refuses…
“I’m your mom! Why do I need to knock first?”
The same goes for checking your messages on your phone or email or refusing to broach a topic you’ve repeatedly told her you don’t want to discuss.
No matter how close the relationship between two people is, we need to set boundaries.
When someone consistently crosses those boundaries, it’s a sign of disrespect.
It also shows that she doesn’t take your feelings or thoughts into account, and is only focused on what she wants.
This can be very difficult to deal with. If you are currently setting boundaries with your mom, remember that consistency is key.
If she continues to push boundaries, it may be best to have some separate space and time.
5) Your mom constantly needs your approval
Another behavior that indicates that your mom may be clinging to you is if she relies heavily on your approval.
She may frequently ask you if you think she is a good mom, or if she is making good decisions in life.
If you dare say “no,” she will quickly become upset.
I was in this exact situation a few weeks ago when my family came to visit. I decided to have a gentle conversation with my mom about how her behavior made me feel.
Instead of listening to and accepting my feelings, she immediately became defensive and then broke down, and was too emotional to continue the conversation.
And hey, I get it. It’s not easy to have these conversations, but at the same time, I felt that my perspective as a mother was crucial to her happiness.
The fact that I said something so negative threw her off balance.
Which brings me to the following behavior:
6) She can’t handle disagreements or rejection
In a healthy relationship, disagreements happen.
It’s perfectly okay to have different opinions, and even if the conversation gets lively, it shouldn’t make one person feel unhappy or shut down.
The same goes for saying “no” to someone.
“No, I don’t want to go to the movies, maybe another time.”
If your mom wasn’t codependent, she would say something like, “Sure honey, we can go another time.”
What she wouldn’t do is cause a problem, accuse you of being difficult, or abandon her entire plan to go to the movies just because you didn’t want to.
Being passive-aggressive is common in codependent relationships.
It’s much easier to make a sarcastic comment that will undoubtedly make you feel guilty than it is to openly express the pain or rejection you’re feeling.
7) She feels responsible for her feelings (and expects you to feel the same way)
This is a hard one to explain because, to some extent, we all feel bad when someone we love is hurting.
But the difference is how intertwined your feelings are.
For example, when I went through a difficult breakup or the death of a loved one, my mother suffered too, as if she had gone through the same thing.
It’s not just about empathy at this point, she can’t separate her feelings from mine.
What’s worse is that she expects me to do the same for her.
If my dad upsets her, she expects me to get angry with him with the same intensity that she does.
If she’s having a bad day, I take responsibility for making her feel better (rather than just offering a sympathetic ear and moving on with my day).
The bottom line is that we are all responsible for our feelings. It’s no one else’s responsibility to constantly make us feel better (because that means we can’t regulate our own emotions).
8) She Sacrifices Her Own Needs for Yours (No Matter What)
Finally, if your mom often neglects her well-being, such as engaging in hobbies or meeting friends, just to be with you or make you happy, that’s not a good sign.
In this case, parental responsibility turns into martyrdom—because often, a mom who sacrifices everything for her kids assumes the role of the martyr.
She’ll often remind her kids… “I couldn’t do such-and-such because someone had to be home with you guys.” Or worse, “I gave up everything for you.”
But despite her sadness at taking on this role, she’ll continue to put the needs of others before her own.
In her mind, she’s doing what any “good” mom would do.
But she doesn’t realize the pressure and burden this puts on her kids, let alone herself.
So, here are 8 signs that your mom might be clinging to you without you even realizing it.
I know some of this can be hard to swallow, but take a moment to take it in.
Once you do, you can now think about how to make positive changes and, one day, get to a healthy place where independence, boundaries, and emotions are respected.
