Accepting that you no longer love your partner is a very painful realization.
Not only are you struggling with feelings of guilt over the lack of love, but you also know that you are now taking on the terrible task of breaking their heart.
I’ve been there and I’m here to tell you – it sucks, but you will be okay (and so will your partner).
Here’s why:
As much as you may be afraid to have this conversation with them, the sooner you do it, the sooner you can move on with your lives and find happiness and love elsewhere.
To help you get through this, I’ve listed some honest advice on how to break up with someone you no longer love most easily and least painfully possible.
So, how do you break up with someone you no longer love?
To make it easier, I’ve broken down the breakup into three sections – before, during, and after. That way, you’ll be fully prepared, and as unexpected as the breakup may be, you’ll at least have a rough plan to help you along.
Before You Break Up
1) Be Clear About Your Needs
The painful truth is:
You need to be clear about why you no longer love your partner and what you want to do in the future.
This will make it easier for you to have a conversation with your partner and take responsibility for the choices you make.
2) Be Honest with Yourself
To be completely honest with your partner, you first need to be honest with yourself.
This is not a comfortable truth to face.
Losing love for your partner and feeling unhappy in the relationship are big realizations to come to.
However, being honest with yourself makes it easier, to be honest with your partner and facilitate the breakup process so you can stay calm and collected during this difficult time.
While the tips in this article will help you break up with someone you no longer love, it may be helpful to talk to a relationship coach about your situation.
With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice tailored to the specific issues you are facing in your love life.
Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people navigate complex and difficult love situations, such as wanting to break up with someone. They are popular because they help people work through issues.
Why do I recommend them?
Well, after going through a difficult time in my love life, I reached out to them a few months ago. After feeling helpless for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship, including practical advice on how to overcome the issues I was facing.
I was blown away by how honest, understanding, and professional they were.
In just a few minutes, you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get personalized advice for your situation.
3) You don’t love them anymore but don’t blame them
Whatever you do, don’t try to shift blame in any direction.
You are allowed to change your mind and you are allowed to make different decisions than you have in the past.
Keep your story and intentions and accept how difficult the situation is for everyone.
But:
You have to realize that you are going to hurt the other person and that hurting is part of the process.
Remember, you once loved this person, so just because your feelings have changed doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with them.
You can’t control how they react to your breakup, so don’t try to control them or throw their behavior or reaction in their face.
4) Don’t text
Whatever you decide for your relationship, don’t text or email them. Imagine receiving this type of notification while you’re at work or a family event.
Sure, this may seem like the easy solution. But in the long run, it will only hurt your partner more and that’s the last thing you want to do.
Instead, arrange a meeting and do it face-to-face.
5) Set a time and place for it
Before the actual breakup, make sure you “schedule” it with your partner. The biggest mistake you can make is to bring up the breakup out of nowhere.
Send your partner a message online or via text that you want to have a serious conversation.
It’s much better to say it directly. Do this a day or at least a few hours before you break up with your partner.
Providing this kind of reminder helps your partner know that something is going on. It’s a good idea to help them prepare emotionally for whatever they’re about to hear.
6) Don’t feel bad about it
I know you’re probably thinking, “That’s easy for you to say!” And I get it.
When I broke up with my ex who I no longer loved, I felt bad about it.
I had to constantly remind myself that we’re human, that our feelings aren’t fixed, and that it’s okay to end the relationship if there’s no love and care for each other.
Think about it this way:
Would it be better to stay with them, even if you couldn’t love them the way they deserved?
No.
So, every time you start to feel bad, remind yourself that you are doing both of you a favor by moving on and going your separate ways.
But I understand that letting go of these feelings can be difficult, especially if you’ve spent a lot of time trying to control them.
If that’s the case, I highly recommend watching this free-breathing video, created by shaman, Rhoda Yandi.
Roda is not just a self-proclaimed life coach. Through shamanism and his life journey, he has created a modern twist on ancient healing techniques.
The exercises in his energizing video combine years of breathing experience with ancient shamanic beliefs, designed to help you relax and validate your body and spirit.
After many years of suppressing my emotions, Rhoda’s dynamic breathing flow rekindled that connection.
Here’s what you need:
A spark that reconnects you with your feelings so you can start focusing on the most important relationship of all—the one with yourself.
So if you’re ready to take back control of your mind, body, and spirit, and if you’re ready to say goodbye to anxiety and stress, check out his real advice below.
During a Breakup
7) Make Sure You’re Alone
Breaking up in public may seem like a good idea, but it can make your partner feel even more uncomfortable, and prevent them from responding naturally.
When you’re surrounded by strangers, you lose your ability to have an intimate, meaningful conversation about your relationship.
So how should you break up with someone you no longer love?
It’s best to have this kind of conversation alone, preferably in your own home so you feel comfortable and no one feels left out or upset.
However, if you’re leaving an abusive relationship, a public conversation can be essential for your safety, and it can be a good idea to have a friend waiting nearby to support you afterward.
8) Don’t Make It All About Them
When you’re explaining why you want to end the relationship, you may naturally look for things they did wrong to explain why you no longer love them.
Avoid doing this at all costs.
There’s no need to harbor more hurt and pain, so focus on why your feelings have changed without dwelling on them too much.
Of course, some personal issues will come up, and there may be a reason why you don’t love them anymore. If you’re going to be completely honest, do so with tact and consideration.
9) Be kind to each other
All you can do during this stage is be kind. You’re both going to feel emotional and even if you’re the one ending the relationship, it’s still a tough process to go through.
So how do you “gently” break up with someone?
Research by Sprecher and colleagues suggests that the following strategies led to a more positive and compassionate end to the relationship:
- Telling your partner that you don’t regret the time you spent together
- Telling your partner honestly about your future desires
- Explaining verbally in person why you want to break up
- Emphasizing the good things you gained from the relationship in the past
- Trying to prevent the breakup in a sad tone
- Avoiding blaming or hurting your partner’s feelings
- Convincing your partner that the breakup was best for both parties
The study concluded that if you have to end the relationship, doing so positively and openly seems to be the best approach.
10) Talk about how it worked out
If you can start the conversation and your partner is friendly throughout the situation, you’ll want to talk about how the breakup worked out.
Who will move out? When will it happen?
If you have children, you will need to spend some time thinking about how you will raise your children together, or whether that is an option.
Yes, you are breaking up with someone you no longer love.
Yes, it is a bad situation.
But you have to keep moving forward and the best way to do that is to work out a plan of action with your partner.
11) Stick to your guns
The truth is:
There is no doubt that this can be one of the most difficult conversations you will ever have. When you find yourself in the middle of the discussion, you will likely also find yourself beginning to question your decision.
You should decide ahead of time that you are not going to back down. You may lack conviction about whether you should break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend.
Remember why you wanted to end the relationship in the first place and continue to be kind while ensuring that you have the opportunity to live your life the way you want to.
12) Let them ask questions
You may want to end the entire conversation as quickly as possible, but be mindful of the fact that your partner will undoubtedly have questions.
This is where being clear with yourself first will help.
Instead of giving them lame excuses, you’ll be able to explain exactly what happened and when you stopped loving them.
Lauren Suero says in Psychology Today that it’s important to “listen to the other person, without getting defensive. Listen to your partner. Answer any questions as honestly as possible.”
This will save any questions from popping up in the future and may give your partner the clarity they need to move on, too.
13) Don’t be mean
Whether you’re impatient to start your new life, or you’re just moody and upset because your relationship didn’t work out, that’s no excuse to be mean.
Most importantly:
Your partner doesn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of your frustration, especially when their heart is so badly hurt right now.
“While it’s important to express the reasons for ending a relationship, this is a license to release all your pent-up grievances and complaints,” Jay Winch, a New York City psychologist and author of How to Mend a Broken Heart, tells TIME.
After all, listing every grievance isn’t helpful and will only prolong an already painful conversation.
14) Clarify every ongoing issue between you
So while you don’t want to blame every grievance or annoyance you’ve had in the relationship, you should clarify the big issues.
Identify areas where you may have let go due to misunderstandings or where something particularly hurtful happened during your relationship, and take this time to apologize (or explain your pain).
This will save any questions from popping up in the future and may give your partner the clarity they need to move on, too.
16) Take some time apart
Time apart is essential after a breakup.
You’re both feeling emotionally unstable, you’re likely feeling vulnerable and hurt, and tensions may be running high.
Explain that if you don’t communicate much, it’s not because you don’t care about them anymore, but to help with the healing process.
After all, you need time to heal your wounds and pick yourself up again.
17) Ask if friendship is still possible
Just because you broke up doesn’t mean you can’t be friends in the future. Just because you no longer love them as partners doesn’t mean you can’t love them as friends.
You may still love them but you don’t love them.
But because being best friends from the beginning can get in the way of moving on, it’s always a good idea to give it some time before heading down the friendship route.
When you’ve both gotten over it and can communicate amicably, you can start rebuilding your friendship.
18) Be optimistic about the future
Even if ending the relationship was your choice, it’s okay to feel sad and depressed afterward.
You’ve broken up with someone you no longer love, but that doesn’t mean you no longer care about them or worry about their feelings.
The important thing is:
You still need to maintain a positive attitude about the future.
They will continue to live their lives over time, and you will start over and rebuild your life, and as with anything, new opportunities will arise.
19) Keep the door open for communication
As we mentioned about staying friends (or suggesting the idea of it), you may want to tell your partner that just because you broke up doesn’t mean you can’t stay in touch.
Sometimes, the worst part of a breakup is feeling like you’ve lost someone so important in your life.
But who said it has to be a total loss?
The romantic love you had for them is gone, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be there for each other.
But—and this is important—you’re not responsible for them.
You are not their therapist, you are not there to answer their calls 24/7, and you are not obligated to treat them as a priority in your life anymore.
So, this point is best made once you both have had some time to move on and get closure.
20) Surround yourself with good friends
Regardless of why you broke up with your partner, you will need the support of your friends and family.
You know you are no longer in love, yet you may still miss them, feel lonely, or even lost in life.
After all, you have spent the past few years building a life with someone and now it is time to step out and redefine who you are as an individual.
Friends and family can serve as a great reminder of who you were before and who you want to be now with your new life path ahead of you.
