The term “narcissism” often conjures up images of cold, emotionless CEOs or even serial killers, as depicted in popular Netflix documentaries.
They seem easy to spot.
However, when narcissistic traits emerge in someone close to us, the situation becomes more personal and complex.
This year, through numerous therapy sessions, I came to understand that my mother exhibits these narcissistic tendencies.
Acknowledging this truth was painful but necessary for my well-being.
Like many families, we often excuse or ignore her behaviors, unwilling to acknowledge that someone we love can negatively impact us.
But recognizing these signs is the first step in addressing the challenges they bring.
In this article, we’ll explore ten subtle signs of narcissism, which can help you identify and deal with similar dynamics in your relationships.
Let’s get started:
1) The Constant Need for Admiration
One of the most obvious signs of narcissistic tendencies in a person is the constant need for admiration.
You may notice that this person, whether it’s your mother, your partner, or your best friend, is often looking for compliments.
If they don’t get the attention they crave, they often complain or act out in a bad way so that people will notice them.
For example, I now realize that when my mother complained, it was usually because she wasn’t getting attention.
When I was growing up, I couldn’t quite understand why she often seemed angry, but as an adult, I can now step back and look at it with fresh eyes.
I suggest you try the same thing if you suspect that someone you love has narcissistic tendencies—watch their reactions in different situations and pay close attention to them.
2) Lack of Empathy
Another sign to look out for is whether your loved one lacks empathy.
Now, this can be difficult to spot, because people with narcissistic tendencies can do a good job of pretending to be empathetic.
For example, if you’ve had a bad day at work, they might say something like:
“Poor me! That must have been bad. I know, why don’t you take care of that by picking up that package I didn’t have time to pick up earlier?”
In theory, they seem empathetic, but in reality, they’ve just ignored your potential need to talk, take a relaxing bath, or do whatever helps you de-stress after a hard day.
Unfortunately, people who lack empathy struggle to put themselves in someone else’s shoes.
They often ignore issues, downplay the importance of others’ feelings, or dismiss them outright.
Don’t be fooled by a sympathetic smile or someone saying all the right words. Look at their actions instead.
3) Feeling Entitled
One thing that struck me after my mom’s recent visit was that her needs came before everything else.
One day in particular, the whole family and I were out and about watching two kittens play on the street.
It was a beautiful moment as we all got caught up in watching the little furballs roll around. But suddenly, a loud voice interrupted the silence…
“You can stand here all day. I need a cup of tea. Let’s move.”
At that moment, I realized that my mother felt right in putting her needs above everyone else who was happily enjoying the moment.
I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal, but when this behavior is repeated several times a day, it shows that this person doesn’t care about anyone else.
Their needs come first. Period.
4) Manipulative Behaviors
The Therapy Choice lists some of the main manipulative behaviors to watch out for in narcissists.
However, if someone you love has narcissistic tendencies, you may find that they fall into certain behaviors and not others.
Here’s a quick overview:
Emotional Manipulation – They’re never wrong. When confronted about their behavior, they often deny their reality with statements like, “You’re imagining things,” or “It didn’t happen that way.”
Love Bombing – They shower you with excessive attention and affection to ensure they have control over you.
Triangulation – This is when the narcissist lures other people into their side and distracts them from their mistakes.
Playing the victim – This is pretty obvious, but you’ll notice that they never take responsibility for their actions – the blame always falls on someone else.
Guilt – Using guilt and shame to get people to do what the narcissist wants.
These manipulative behaviors may seem obvious, but they can be very difficult to spot in someone you love.
As I’ve learned, we often ignore or make excuses for these behaviors because it’s easier than accepting that someone we love could be manipulative and controlling.
5) Low Self-Esteem
When someone we love has low self-esteem, we may often feel it’s our responsibility to lift their spirits and offer words of encouragement or constructive feedback.
But what happens when we’re met with defensive or angry behavior?
This is usually a sign that someone has narcissistic tendencies (especially if they’ve fallen into some of the other behaviors mentioned in this article).
6) Jealousy and Envy
There are two ways that jealousy and envy may manifest in someone with narcissistic tendencies:
- They may feel threatened and insecure by the successes of others
- They may feel that others are jealous of their successes
In either case, it’s not good for someone you love to often show their bitterness about good luck to others.
But this comes down to a fragile sense of self-esteem. People with narcissistic tendencies often rely on their “outside” image to succeed in life.
They care about how the rest of the world sees them.
So, if someone is better than them, seems happier than them, has a younger, more attractive partner, whatever, they are seen as a threat.
On the other hand, if someone feels like everyone around them is jealous of their “success,” it’s a reflection of how they perceive themselves.
Either way, it’s a pretty unhealthy mindset.
7) Superficial Relationships
Finally, you’ll notice that no matter how much you love this person, getting close to them (emotionally) doesn’t come naturally.
Samir Kadri notes in an article on MentalHealth.com:
“Narcissistic friends often keep conversations superficial. This is because they hate the feeling of vulnerability that comes with talking about intimate details with others.”
But the truth is, it’s not just conversations that stay superficial—entire relationships end up that way, too.
You, on the other hand, you may often feel frustrated. You love this person, and you want to feel a deep connection with them.
But more often than not, you’ll be met with resistance.
Remember the conversation I tried to have with my mom?
This type of reaction (shut down, defensiveness, rejection) shows that the other person can’t handle vulnerability—they can’t open up and dig deeper.
So, now we’ve covered 7 subtle signs that your loved one has narcissistic tendencies.
I know this may not have been easy to read, and that’s normal.
If someone has crossed your mind, there’s no need to abruptly end the relationship right now. Take these points as a reminder, and if you feel the need to, use them to inform you of setting strong boundaries.
To learn more about boundaries, check out this great breakdown.
