How to Deal With Abusive, Narcissistic and Hostile Bosses

Some recent research on employees who deal with abusive bosses shows that studying workplace behavior in good faith can produce results that confound researchers’ expectations. The research found one unsurprising finding; but it was another part of the findings—which puzzled the researchers—that caught my attention.

To explain this, the research explored the ways employees behave when they work for abusive bosses. These are often people who are narcissistic, contemptuous, arrogant, and unsupportive of—or downright undermine—the employee’s learning and development.

The unsurprising part of the findings is that simply trying to avoid the abusive boss or plotting ways to get back at them didn’t work. It actually made things worse for the employee, according to the study, published in the Journal of Applied Psychology and summarized by Gina MacGregor in The Washington Post .

But it was the other set of findings that caught my attention. Here, the researchers expected that “acts of kindness and compassion—employees who help abusive bosses by doing their best, helping bosses with heavy workloads even when they’re not asked to”—would lead to less abusive bosses. And that “acts of kindness may help reduce future rude or abusive behavior.”

The researchers were surprised to find that this didn’t happen. Instead, according to study co-author Charles Hurst, “abusive supervisors did not respond to subordinates who were positive and compassionate, and did supportive and helpful things.” The researchers concluded that their findings seemed “contrary to common sense.”

Really? I think most people who have worked with abusive bosses would laugh at such “common sense” assumptions. No, trying to be “nice” or compassionate to a narcissistic, arrogant boss who often makes conflicting demands on employees won’t produce positive change.

What helps?

However, a hint of what might help comes from another study. The study found that employees who find ways to emotionally distance themselves from abusive bosses feel more empowered to manage their dilemma and its emotional impact.

This is consistent with what I have found in my work with men and women dealing with these situations. That is, if you reframe how you initially conceptualize your situation, it can open the door to taking positive, constructive action in the situation you feel trapped in. There are several ways you can do this. It can start with what one midlevel executive did, for example, when she was looking for an alternative to stagnation, depression, and helplessness.

She began with mindfulness meditation, focusing her attention on simply noticing the negative emotions that her boss’s behavior was eliciting in her. Simply “watching” her emotions pass through her reduced her tendency to wallow in anger or pursue unproductive actions. It led to a shift toward “going outside” herself—outside the narrow view of her ego—and toward seeing herself as a character in a movie.

With this expanded perspective, she was able to see her boss simply as the person he was, regardless of the psychological reasons for his being that way or how she judged him. Emotional detachment helped her not take his behavior personally, even though it affected her personally. In fact, she remained “indifferent” to her emotional reactions. However, she remained engaged in finding solutions to her situations.

For example, she began asking him directly about ways she could help him achieve his goals—rather than avoiding or circumventing him. She also decided to cede control in some areas that weren’t important to her, but that her boss seemed to enjoy micromanaging. Her detached perspective boosted her confidence in her expertise; that her boss’s abusive agenda or management didn’t diminish its importance.

In addition, however—and more importantly—she concluded that her career prospects under his leadership were probably a dead end for the foreseeable future. So she immediately updated her resume and began looking for a new job. This helped her focus on her career development goals while navigating the situation with as little friction as possible.

Of course, it’s important to examine yourself from the start when you find yourself in a bad situation. Look honestly, with outside help if necessary, at what you might be contributing to the problem. Ask yourself, “How much of me or the situation?” Without doing so, you may take actions that you later regret or that prove unhelpful.

However, the example I described above highlights some guidelines that help people deal with abusive, destructive, and unhealthy management style. These include:

Create an emotional buffer zone. Monitor your internal emotional responses to your situation, but realize that you are not obligated to act on them. Create a “space” between your feelings and how you choose to deal with them in your behavior. If you don’t, you are more likely to say or do something that is unhelpful or harmful to yourself. Be aware of the buttons your boss is pushing, but don’t be tempted to respond to your boss’s emotional issues. Realize that you always have a choice about what you do with your feelings in your behavior.

Broaden your perspective. The buffer zone around your aroused emotions broadens your perspective on the situation: what’s fueling them, and what might be driving your boss’s behavior. Seeing the problem in a much larger context involves considering many factors. For example, the role of other players or other organizational issues and policies, regardless of your opinion of them. This includes considering that your boss’s controlling or abusive behavior might reflect some fear about his or her security in office.

Act with “engaged indifference.” The buffer zone and broadened perspective help you become more proactive about managing your situation, “indifference” to your emotional responses that are triggered along the way. You’re less likely to be drawn into unproductive behavior fueled by anger, resentment, or self-pity. You might also decide to look for ways to help your boss feel more secure or supported, regardless of what you think about him or her, because doing so might reduce your boss’s anxiety and, in turn, make your life a little easier while you’re there.

Avoid another abusive situation. If you decide that you need to leave your job, do your research when considering a new job: Look for signs of a potentially negative situation, for example, by paying attention to what you hear during interviews; asking people within the organization how they feel about working for that company or that manager; paying attention to any red flags that what you hear raises; and don’t contribute to a repeat of history.