Projection is a defense mechanism commonly used by abusers, including people with narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and addicts. Essentially, they are saying, “It’s not me, it’s you!” When we project, we are defending ourselves against unconscious impulses or traits, whether positive or negative, that we have denied about ourselves. Instead, we attribute them to others. Our thoughts or feelings about someone or something are so uncomfortable that we don’t acknowledge them. In our minds, we believe that the thought or emotion originates with that other person.

We may imagine, “She hates me,” when we actually do. We may think that someone else is angry or judgmental, but we don’t realize that we are. Projection is similar to externalization, where we blame others for our problems instead of taking responsibility for our role in causing them. It makes us feel like a victim. Addicts often blame their drinking or drug use on their spouse or boss.

Our coping strategies reflect our emotional maturity. Projection is a primitive defense because it distorts or ignores reality so that we can function and maintain our ego. It is a reaction, without forethought, and a defense used by children. When used by adults, it reveals less emotional maturity and indicates poor emotional development.

Boundaries

Psychoanalyst Melanie Klein once said that a mother should be able to love her child even when he bites her breast, meaning that a good mother, like a good therapist, with appropriate boundaries and self-esteem, will not react with anger and expected badness from her child. She will love her child in spite of it. A child’s boundaries are inherently porous. If we have a mother with weak boundaries who reacts to us with anger or withdrawal, we internalize our mother’s reaction, as if her reaction were a negative statement about our worth and love. We shame ourselves and develop weak boundaries as well. The mother-child bond may have become negative. The same can happen with father’s reactions, because a child needs to feel unconditional love and acceptance from both parents.

We may grow up holding shame-based beliefs about ourselves and become primed to be manipulated and abused. Furthermore, if our parent was narcissistic or abusive, their feelings and needs, especially emotional needs, come first. As a result of shame, we learn that our feelings and needs are not important. We adapt and become dependent on others.

Self-Judgement

It is common for codependents to have internalized or toxic shame and a strong inner critic. As a result, we find fault with others as we do with ourselves, often over the same characteristics. We may project our criticism onto others and believe they are criticizing us, when in reality our judgment is activated on ourselves. We assume that people will judge us and not accept us, because we judge and do not accept ourselves. The more we accept ourselves, the more comfortable we feel with others. We are not ashamed to think that they are judging us.

LowSelfEsteem

In an adult relationship with an abusive or addicted person, you may not believe that you have any rights. Naturally, you go along with or put your partner’s needs and feelings first, sometimes sacrificing yourself to the extreme to please them and avoid conflict. Your self-esteem and independence steadily decline. As your partner acts like a king or queen, you become increasingly dependent, even when your needs are not being met. This allows your partner to easily manipulate, abuse, and take advantage of you. Your self-doubt grows as your partner projects more shame and criticism onto you. At the same time, you accept blame and try to be more understanding in the relationship. In futile attempts to gain approval and stay connected, you walk on eggshells, fearing your partner’s disapproval and criticism. You worry about what they might think or do and become preoccupied with the relationship. You stay to prevent your greatest fears—abandonment and rejection. You lose hope of finding lasting love. Over time, you may believe that no one wants you or that it’s not the case. Your partner may even tell you the same thing in an attempt to project their own shame and fear onto you. Once your self-confidence is weakened, you become ready to believe that this is true.

Projective Identification

When we have a strong sense of self and self-esteem, we have healthy boundaries. When someone projects something onto us, it is projected back onto us. We don’t take it personally, because we know it’s not true or just a statement about the speaker. A good motto to remember is QTIP, “Stop taking it personally!”

However, when we have low self-esteem or are sensitive about a certain issue, such as our appearance or intelligence, we become susceptible to believing the projection as truth. We impose the projection. This is because we internally agree with it. It sticks like a magnet, and we believe it’s true. We then react with shame and compound our relationship problems. Doing so validates the abuser’s ideas about us and gives them power and control. We send the message that they have power over our self-esteem and the right to approve of us.

Responding to Projection

The projector can put tremendous pressure on you to accept the projection. If you are empathetic, you are more open and less defensive psychologically. If you also have weak boundaries, as described above, you may more easily internalize the projection and recognize it as your own trait.

Understanding how projective identification works is crucial to self-protection. Recognizing the defense can be a valuable tool, because it is a window into the unconscious mind of the offender. We can actually experience what he or she is feeling and thinking. Armed with this knowledge, if someone insults us, we recognize that he or she is projecting and reacting to his or her shame. It can give us empathy, which is helpful, provided we have good self-esteem and compassion for ourselves! Building self-esteem by disarming the inner critic is our first defense against projection.

However, you may feel confused about what to do. When someone is projecting on you, simply set boundaries. This returns the projection to the speaker. You are creating a force field—an invisible wall. Say something like:

• “I don’t see it that way.”
• “I disagree with you.”
• “I don’t take responsibility for that.”
• “That’s your opinion.”

It is important not to argue or defend yourself, as this gives credence to the false reality that the abuser is promoting. If the abuser insists on his or her opinion, you can say, “We simply disagree,” and then walk away from the conversation. The abuser will have to deal with his or her negative feelings.