My client Brian, 32, tells me, “Growing up, I never felt like I could count on my parents for what you might call emotional support. That feeling that other people get, that their mom or dad is there for them no matter what? I didn’t understand that. I didn’t feel it. It wasn’t there. And there was no way I could trust them to hear how I really felt about anything. Now, as an adult, I still can’t really open up to the people closest to me. Even with friends and my girlfriend, I don’t feel comfortable being vulnerable with them, so it hinders true intimacy and creates loneliness.”

Brian’s inability to trust in his adult relationships, and thus experience emotional intimacy and allow himself to be vulnerable, can be traced back to his family of origin. When a child grows up in a narcissistic household, he learns early on that he can’t rely on, depend on, or expect consistency from his narcissistic parent.

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In a healthy household, a child learns that when he cries, a parental figure will be there to nurture, comfort, and care for him. Every psychologist is well aware of the importance of early bonding and attachment in childhood and the effects this has on a person’s psychological and emotional development. The ability to trust is key. It must be maintained consistently throughout a child’s life, so that they feel safe and that someone is there for them physically and emotionally.
What it means to trust

When a child grows up in a narcissistic household, their sense of security is shaky at best. The narcissistic parent can be unpredictable and inconsistent in the way they respond to the child, leaving the child feeling vulnerable and insecure. Consequently, the child’s ability to trust that others will consistently see, hear, and care for them becomes weak, and this core of mistrust can be difficult to repair. One meme posted by an internet user named “Anonymous” puts it clearly: “Breaking someone’s trust is like crumpling a perfect piece of paper. You can smooth it out, but it will never be the same again.” Trust between a child and a narcissistic parent weakens over time, but it is difficult to pinpoint exactly how and when this happens because it is likely the result of a series of events.

In Stephanie Donaldson Pressman and Robert Pressman’s book on narcissism, one client described how she couldn’t rely on her narcissistic mother for emotional support: “I worshiped my mother and knew she loved me, but it was like trying to catch smoke: you see it, but you can’t get it in your hand. I still feel that way.”

When we observe a narcissist interacting with other people, we often see these core behaviors: lack of empathy, exploitation of others to meet their own needs, and an inflated belief that they are always right, which leaves them lacking accountability and a sense of entitlement. Such behavior speaks poorly of the person’s character and can only prevent a child from trusting a parent who acts this way. Children learn more from what they see than from what they are told.

Being assured of someone’s emotional strength means knowing that this person will not be destroyed by our difficulties or personalize our problems. We feel safe and dependable, and they are able to handle this with strength and maturity.

PoorTrust Can Affect Adult Relationships

For children of narcissistic families, trust issues can’t help but affect their relationships with adults. Regardless of the specific dynamics within our family of origin, our relationships with family members tend to influence how we relate to future partners. Some experts say that we are more likely to gravitate toward familiarity until we engage in recovery, which I have certainly seen in my practice.

Adult children of narcissistic families often find that they have anxious and avoidant attachment issues that they resolve in therapy and in their relationships. Fortunately, developing secure attachments in one’s adult relationships can be learned and worked on in therapy.

PoorTrust Can Affect Self-Confidence

Not only is one’s ability to trust others affected by growing up in a narcissistic family, so is one’s self-confidence. Self-doubt arises when one’s feelings are not heard, acknowledged, or invalidated, wreaking havoc on one’s sense of reality and sense of self. The key to trusting others is learning to trust ourselves and our feelings. The more confident we are in our ability to handle situations and feelings, the less fear we have. When I work with clients, I often ask them to write the word “trust” without the “u.” The result is: tr st, because you can’t trust without the u. And you can’t trust others without trusting yourself. Learning to trust others and ourselves is a great gift to recovery. Understanding the source of broken trust is half the battle, and then addressing the trauma to find resolution is the path to many blessings in the future.