Key Points
Cognitive dissonance, or having two very different beliefs about something at the same time, is common in relationships with narcissists.
Signs of cognitive dissonance include paralysis from self-doubt, second-guessing your decisions, constant apologizing, and more.
Learning to trust yourself and your experiences is key to breaking free from cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance can occur in a variety of different situations. Simply put, cognitive dissonance is having two very different thoughts or beliefs about something at the same time. It is very common in emotionally abusive situations and in relationships with narcissists.
The emotionally abused individual experiences cognitive dissonance through the narcissist’s systematic strategic manipulation. She is told one thing one day, then the entire conversation is dismissed the next. She is swept up in a flood of affection and attention, only to be ignored or abandoned the next day.
The result is a deep and profound sense of confusion about the relationship. Is the wonderful, charismatic, loving person the real partner, or is the emotionally unavailable, abusive, and cold person? Is the truth what has been discussed in detail over the past few days, or is it the denial of conversations, promises, and agreements we’ve heard today?
It’s not uncommon for narcissists to use this pattern in all aspects of their lives. It’s also possible for a narcissist to create more than two different thoughts or “realities” around a given issue, which only leads to more confusion, self-doubt, and loss of self-confidence on the part of the emotionally abused partner.
Cognitive dissonance is a feeling of constant self-doubt and a struggle to keep up with the whirlwind of changes and challenges to reality. The behavior of a narcissist that causes cognitive dissonance is called “emotional manipulation.”
Cognitive Dissonance Signs
Realizing that you’re experiencing cognitive dissonance isn’t always a simple process. The narcissist gradually works to drain your self-awareness and self-confidence, leaving you vulnerable to their manipulation.
The most common signs of cognitive dissonance include:
Doubting your memory or recall of events, conversations, and experiences
Doubting your decisions and choices
Being paralyzed by indecision
Unable to trust your own decision-making process
Feeling like there’s something wrong with you
Withdrawing from social interactions
Constantly apologizing for things the other person does or says
Recognizing your partner’s lies but defending their actions, words, and behaviors
Overcoming Cognitive Dissonance
Recognizing the emotional and mental confusion you’re experiencing is an important step in moving beyond self-doubt. Working with a therapist using talk therapy can be effective in making changes to how you see yourself and learning to trust your experiences, thoughts, and beliefs.
Other ways to help reduce the cognitive dissonance caused by narcissism include:
Learning mindfulness to stay grounded and present in the moment
Journaling to record and document your feelings, experiences, and memories
Sharing your story with trusted individuals
Setting healthy boundaries
Practicing self-care and self-love
Learning to trust yourself and your experiences isn’t always easy. Professionals can provide the safe space for this emotional healing that is vital to your recovery.
