Hi Evie. My wife (36) and I have just had our first child (she turns 3 weeks tomorrow). Before we got pregnant, our 4-year relationship was going well. We got along and I thought this was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But when my partner got pregnant, everything seemed to change. She started to become more demanding. She treats me like a baby and won’t leave me alone with the baby, but she constantly complains that she’s exhausted. Since the baby was born, we’ve barely spoken without arguing, even when the baby is asleep, it feels like we can’t be in the same room together to eat or spend time together. I know it’s only 3 weeks (and 9 months pregnant) but I honestly feel like I’m no longer in love with my partner. I don’t feel any connection or intimacy with her and I know that sounds awful. But it’s true. I’ve tried talking to her but she says I’m being selfish and that all our attention should be on the baby now. I’m really confused and not sure what to do. – Al, UK.
Dear Al,
Thank you for writing – it sounds like you’re going through a difficult transition, which is common after the arrival of a new baby. The early stages of parenthood can be incredibly stressful, and it’s not uncommon for couples to experience stress during this time. Let’s break down some key aspects of what you’re going through.
First, understand that the early postpartum period is often filled with stress and exhaustion, which can have a significant impact on emotions and behavior. Your partner’s increased demands and protective nature towards the baby may be a reflection of the overwhelming responsibility and physical changes she’s going through. Her body and hormones are still adjusting, and her instinct to prioritize the baby’s needs is often intense.
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However, your feelings are valid too. The feelings of disconnection and frustration you’re feeling are not unusual, but it’s important to address these feelings constructively. Here are some steps to consider:
Acknowledge the stress: Acknowledge that you’re both under a lot of stress. It’s a period of adjustment where everything feels new and intense. Lack of sleep, constant baby care, and a sudden shift in responsibilities can be stressful.
Open communication: It’s important to have open and honest conversations with your partner. While you’ve expressed the need to focus all your attention on the baby, it’s important to communicate your feelings without placing blame. Try to find a time when you’re both calm and not overwhelmed by immediate responsibilities.
Seek support: Consider seeking support from a counselor or therapist. Sometimes, having a neutral party can help facilitate communication and provide the tools you need to navigate this new stage of life together.
Prioritize couple time: While the needs of the baby are paramount, your relationship is vital, too. Finding small moments to reconnect can be helpful. This can be as simple as a few minutes of uninterrupted conversation or planning a short time each week where you focus on each other, even if it’s brief.
Understand the bigger picture: The feelings of disconnect you’re feeling right now may not be permanent. The postpartum period is often described as a temporary “storm.” With time, support, and effort, many couples find their way back to a stronger, more understanding partnership.
You are adjusting to new roles and responsibilities. While this is a difficult time, it can also be an opportunity to grow together and build a deeper relationship. Take it one day at a time, and remember that it’s okay to ask for help and support when you need it.
