Key Points
Covert narcissists can be difficult to spot. They often hide behind a belief system, job, or other family members to continue hurting others.
Sometimes, cutting off contact with a narcissistic family member isn’t an option, especially if you have children involved.
Appearing detached and boring to the narcissistic family member and setting a time limit on interactions can help you get past the hang-ups.
There are generally two types of narcissists—overt narcissists and covert narcissists. Overt narcissists are the types you hear about most because they tend to be more vocal (both verbally and behaviorally) about their need for special attention and treatment.
Covert narcissists tend to play the “victim” role and often say that others don’t understand them or that they’ve tried to get along with others, but others haven’t given them a chance. Covert narcissists may also hide behind their belief system, job, or other family members to continue hurting others. Covert narcissists can be hard to spot. Their “Oh my God” behavior has fooled many people. But there’s a cauldron of anger underneath. A covert narcissist’s motto may be, “The world owes me, and I’ll hold you accountable.”
When you encounter a covert narcissist in your family, they may tell you that they’ve done nothing wrong, and that if you were “good” or “nice,” you wouldn’t be “difficult” with them. They may tell you that you’re too sensitive and that you’ve “always been this way.” They may say something hateful to you while wearing a smile on their face.
The tricky thing about covert narcissists is that the behavior may not be noticeable until someone tries to enforce boundaries. A covert narcissist may react with narcissistic rage. It can be extremely frustrating to have family members who don’t see (or don’t want to see) the covert narcissist’s damaging behavior.
You may have shared your concerns about a covert narcissist with a friend or family member, only to hear, “I don’t know, I’ve never seen them act that way before.” This may be because that person has never had to set or enforce boundaries with a covert narcissist. People can have different experiences with someone. Your feelings and concerns about a covert narcissist and their behavior are still valid.
While the best option is to not have contact with a narcissist, what can you do when that’s not an option? You may have healthy family members you want to see, but unfortunately, a covert narcissist will be part of the mix.
Set a Time Limit for Your Interactions
If you’re attending a family gathering, stay for a predetermined amount of time. Tell the host that you’ll be there for an hour or two at most. If a family member asks why you’re not staying longer, tell them it’s about how long you can visit. You don’t need to explain. Assume that anything you say to a family member could be passed on to the covert narcissist. Set an alarm on your phone or watch to let you know when to start saying goodbye.
KeepABlock
Take an emotionally healthy friend or family member with you to family gatherings where the covert narcissist may be present. Tell them that you will need some support, and you may want to go into some detail about what you need and why. You don’t need to go into great detail unless you find it helpful in your recovery. You need the person accompanying you to act as a “buffer,” distracting the covert narcissist if they come looking for you. You need someone to create distance between you and the narcissist so that you can leave if necessary. You can also come up with a nonverbal cue with a family member or friend to let them know when you are feeling tired and need to leave.
Appear Indifferent and Bored in Front of the Covert Narcissist
As you may have noticed, narcissists thrive on negative attention. They will pester you for a reaction. They will prey on your vulnerabilities. A covert narcissist may lure you into feeling like they have changed and that you can be vulnerable with them. But once they sense your vulnerability, they will strike back. This makes their words and actions hurt even more after you thought you might let your guard down. Use the “grey rock” approach when dealing with a narcissist. Show little expression or reaction to them. This means you don’t try to change them or confront them about their behavior—just walk away. If they block you from walking away, it’s considered physical abuse.
Beware of Appearing Rude
Sometimes we worry that we’ll be rude if we abruptly leave a toxic situation. Know that every second you spend in an unhealthy situation is causing you emotional and even physical harm.
Sometimes you may need to leave a meeting without warning because of the covert narcissist’s behavior. If there is a friend or family member you can reach out to after you leave, do so if it will help you process what happened. It is worth risking the appearance of being rude if it means you are taking care of yourself.
Don’t Expect Others to Understand You
Covert narcissists can be very good at appearing weak and even nice when dealing with others. They play the victim very well. They can fool people who don’t know the real person underground.
You may have people who think they have good intentions tell you that “blood is thicker than water” or “respect your mom and dad” or any variety of statements about how important it is to be close to your family. These people do not know the covert narcissist as well as you do. Do not accept guilt and shame from others. You have every right to decide whether you need to go without contact. You have decided to go without contact after careful thought and reflection. Do not let others define your relationship with a toxic person.
Reconsider Not Connecting With Others
There are times when not connecting with others is not an option, such as when you are a co-parent with a narcissist. However, your situation with a covert narcissist may not involve children. Reconsider not connecting with others. You do not need to subject yourself to an abusive person at any time, for any reason.
