Key Points
Self-defense is an instinctive response to protect broken self-esteem, while self-defense is a response to the essence of criticism.
Sadistic narcissists accuse you of self-defense and re-accuse you when you deny it.
Self-defense becomes easier when you stop thinking of behaviors as good or bad, and instead remember that all behaviors have their place.
The question becomes whether you used the right behavior for the situation, not whether you used good or bad behavior.
Self-defense looks good. Self-defense looks bad. What’s the difference, and how can we stop appearing defensive while still being able to defend ourselves?
Self-defense is a defensive impulse of the self in response to something insulting. Someone shatters our self-esteem. We rush to correct it before it hits the ground.
Self-defense, by contrast, is a response to the content. Evaluating the criticism.
I make a distinction between absorbing criticism and digesting it. To eat is to eat it. Digesting it means absorbing what’s good and rejecting what’s not, which takes time.
When someone you respect criticizes you, show them that you’ve eaten, even if it tastes bitter. Then meditate. Let your digestive fluids separate the nutrients from the waste. For this, you need to trust your ability to sort the food. Without that trust, you’ll want to spit it out instead of eating it.
But that’s not the whole story. Narcissists love to undermine people’s self-esteem. I call this sadistic narcissism, although that’s a cliché. Narcissism is sadistic because putting others down elevates the narcissist.
Narcissists know that self-defense looks bad, so they accuse you of it. If you say, “I’m not being defensive!” they’ll say, “There you go again, self-defense.” This is one of the easiest traps they can set.
What should you do about this kind of trap?
There is a way around this trap if you remember something basic that almost no one remembers.
Words that sound bad or good aren’t always so. Every supposedly good or bad behavior in the human repertoire has its place. Show me some supposedly indefensible behaviors and I’ll show you a defensible position.
Defending yourself sounds good, but it’s stupid to do it with narcissists. The idea that we should always be open to everyone’s feedback is how we end up enabling these people. Enabling isn’t always bad. We want to empower decent people, not narcissists.
The reception sounds good. It isn’t always. Obviously. Being open to the scammer isn’t good for you or anyone other than the scammer. But people forget that when narcissists call you a sarcastic monkey, they’re imitating the voice of morality to throw you off the game.
They’ll throw anything at you if they can destabilize you. Why listen to their stern speeches when they don’t listen to them for anything other than the gratification of their narcissistic sadism?
In general, stop caring so much about what sounds good or bad. If someone accuses you of being closed-minded, unaccepting, indifferent, or whatever, feel free to say, “Me? No way! I’m a good person. I wouldn’t do that. It’s always bad, and I’m always good.”
Most people go through life evading bad labels and hiding themselves under good labels. They treat morality like a scent. If it smells good, they want to absorb it. If it smells bad, they avoid it, just an instinctive response to morally loaded positive and negative terms.
This instinctive response makes it easy for narcissists to shame and manipulate people. Meanwhile, what’s truly right or wrong in a situation becomes irrelevant. It’s just a pointless cat-and-mouse game where defensive mice get eaten.
Don’t do it, or at least try to do it less, which can be hard if you’ve been doing it for a long time.
It’s easier to stop doing it if you know what to do instead. Here’s my suggestion:
When someone accuses you of always doing those bad things, like not being accepting, acknowledge that you do it sometimes. It’s in your repertoire, as it is in everyone’s repertoire. Ask yourself whether it’s appropriate or inappropriate in the given context. Don’t let yourself be distracted by positive and negative connotations. Focus on whether you’ve applied the right behavior for the situation.
This simple thing is not just a trick to deflect criticism without sounding defensive. To apply it convincingly, you have to feel it in your bones. So, make it your perspective on life in general.
We all have similar repertoires. Even the same polarities—receptive/unreceptive, interested/indifferent, honest/unhonest, tolerant/unforgiving. You’re trying to figure out how to use your repertoire correctly. It’s guesswork, so you learn from mistakes, which we all make. When you do, you correct and adjust.
Respectable people are always learning how to use their repertoire better. Narcissistic sadists don’t. Don’t let yourself be distracted by loaded moralistic terms. They stunt growth, especially those thrown at you from the arsenal of a fool.
