Key Points

Expecting the narcissist to not change makes it less likely that you will fall into that person’s trap.

Communication with a narcissistic parent should be brief, limited, and action-oriented, with only the facts.

The most important advice for those targeted by a narcissistic parent is to get support.

Parental alienation is the process of psychologically manipulating a child into showing unwarranted fear, rejection, disrespect, or hostility toward a parent targeted by the “favorite” parent.

What Makes a Child Reject a Parent?

“Almost all childhood emotional and behavioral problems are layered, and parent-child conflicts are no exception. The negative influence of the favored parent is the most obvious element in cases where children unreasonably reject a parent. Other factors include aspects of the current and past family situation, the child’s personality, and the rejected parent’s response to rejection. In some families, children tend to align with a parent who has historically been less available or whose love is seen as more fragile and dependent on undiluted loyalty (defined as sharing the parent’s negative view of the other parent).” —Richard Warshak

Guiding clients through the toxic consequences of high-conflict divorce and co-parenting is the toughest job a therapist can do. Here are four things to know to soften the blow and the psychological toll of alienation.

Narcissists are predictable. As much as the sun rises tomorrow, you can bet that your ex’s vicious behavior will surely follow. Expect a lull here and there, but then it’s back to bad-mouthing business as usual. Giving up unrealistic hopes for change means you won’t be surprised when they threaten you with court or contact the authorities.

Narcissists are psychologically lazy. Narcissists believe they can easily deceive people. An unhealthy dose of distortion of thought, contempt for authority, and a bully-like disrespect for vulnerable individuals are the culprits. But look closely and see how the narcissist puts in minimal effort with little or no credible documentation when making false claims. Like an impulsive child, he or she gets angry and makes bizarre threats, rarely based on reality. The narcissist believes that not only are the lies and threats justified, but that the world should be just as well. Unfortunately, some family court attorneys aid and encourage this belief. An experienced attorney recognizes the alienation and exercises professional control by advising his or her client to stop emotionally abusive behavior. Sometimes you have to challenge their deception. The good news is that law enforcement and Child Protective Services (CPS) are becoming increasingly adept at understanding and detecting emotional abuse. Narcissists don’t change. But you can. One of the most effective tactics for influencing healthy change is to establish a parent-child communication schedule. Warning: Raising a toddler or a child with special needs requires more communication, but as a general rule, limit your communication to issues that matter to the parents. All too often, well-intentioned co-parents get sucked into a whirlwind of dramatic, dysfunctional correspondence. Instead, keep your communication brief, limited, practical, and boring. Just the facts, no emotional language or long explanations. For example: “To minimize conflict and save time, except for emergencies, I will respond to your emails every Monday from 5:00 to 5:30 p.m. from this point forward.” Check your worldview mirror. Because a narcissist can make you feel like you’re crazy, a healthy worldview is essential. When you believe that the universe is essentially a safe place where most people are well-intentioned, you trust the inherent order of life. You realize that while the divorce and court process is stressful and overwhelming, you trust your ability to solve problems.

Perhaps the most important piece of advice for targeted parents is to get support. If you are not in therapy, I recommend a qualified professional to guide you through the maze of divorce and parental separation. Ask people in your inner circle for references, or visit a directory of therapists like the one here on Psychology Today. Narrow your search terms to include clinicians who specialize in “personality disorders,” “separation,” “divorce,” and “co-parenting.”

Co-parenting is a vicious form of child abuse. The hope is that targeted parents will educate themselves and arm themselves with the tools to resist it. Please help spread the word by sharing this post on social media. For more information, I invite you to read “Forget Co-Parenting with a Narcissist. Do This Instead.”